The Great PerformancesVideo

On The Art Of Seduction, Underwater

An AquaNox actor explores the highest registers of sultriness.

By John Teti • May 22, 2012

Until there is a Video Game Voice Acting Hall Of Fame, we will have to make do with The Great Performances, an ongoing celebration of those thespian moments that could not be found in any other art form. Mostly because those other art forms have bigger talent budgets.

If Social Security is the “third rail” of national politics, sex is the third rail of video games. A few years ago, some nice folks at a little outfit called BioWare put a rather well-executed sex scene in their game, Mass Effect. It made sense, it wasn’t exploitive, and it could have gotten away with showing much more skin than it did. But the presence of blue alien sideboob proved too controversial, so in Mass Effect 2, the sex scenes were replaced with “fully clothed people wobbling atop each other” scenes.

Yet as Arthur Gameological pointed out to me during a recent cribbage match, there’s more than one way to be sexy in a video game. Take AquaNox, he said before I had a chance to change the subject. It pulses with sensuality, from the virile, bored monotone of hero Emerald “Dead-Eye” Flint to the lilting dog-whistle soprano of the subaquatic information trader Frog. “I should pay tribute to these masters of seduction with another of my documentary films,” he said, and so he did, and here it is.

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114 Responses to “On The Art Of Seduction, Underwater”

  1. LimeadeYouth says:

    I’m pretty sure that supergas is helium.

  2. trilobiter says:

    “I’ll right, we want you to it again, just like that.  But much, much higher.”

  3. ImANarc says:

    Even Slippy is less of an annoying frog than her.

  4. Fyodor Douchetoevsky says:

    Totally not relevant to the article/video, but what’s with the links in the “From Around the Web” thing at up there? I guess it’s ads, but it’s like cosmo/maxim level shit.

    • John Teti says:

      Basic explanation is it’s ads. Part of the fun of writing the headlines now is seeing what the content-recommendation engine behind that widget spits out in response.

      • HobbesMkii says:

        It’s giving me conflicting advice. I’ve got a link to “5 ways to turn HIm [sic] ON” and one to “How to Lose Your Man’s Interest in 5 Simple Moves”

        I guess those are both related to seduction?

        • Merve says:

          Weirdly enough, they’re the same 5 moves. Try to wrap your mind grapes around that one!

        • Fyodor Douchetoevsky says:

          Those are the exact ones i’m referring to! I clicked the 5 ways to turn him on for lord knows what reason, and the first was “have sex in the morning then cook him breakfast before he goes to work.” How is that even advice!? Having sex and then conforming to gender roles is totally probably your man’s biggest turn on. Fuck whoever wrote that, but not in the morning, and certainly don’t cook for them after the fact. 

        • HobbesMkii says:

           @Douchetoevsky:disqus Are you saying my new “adult” novella Morning Breath and Pancakes isn’t going to do well?

        • Merve says:

          @HobbesMkii:disqus: If it’s morning breath followed by pancakes, then no. If it’s morning breath and pancakes simultaneously, however, then you’re in business.

        • Fyodor Douchetoevsky says:

          Morning pancake breath is the sexiest of all mouthsmells.

        • Enkidum says:

          @Douchetoevsky:disqus Would you really object to nookie in the morning followed by a cooked breakfast? Because I’d be all over that.

        • LimeadeYouth says:

          I’m getting a link to “7 Things Men Just Don’t Get About The Female Body (MadameNoire)” which turns out to be a coupon for laundry detergent. Seduction, indeed!

        • Merve says:

          @LimeadeYouth:disqus: “Hey babe. I did the laundry this week.” *wink*

        • Limeade Youth says:

          NOW I’m getting “5 Worst Mistakes Women Make in Bed” and “Shadow Puppet Presidents”. My center for rational thought has now officially turned off leaving only a sense of WTF???

        • Djur says:

          “5 Worst Mistakes Women Make In Bed”

          1) Bite it off.
          2) Call him by his father’s name.
          3) Call him by your father’s name.
          4) Call him by your mother’s name.
          5) “Baby? Will you put… this on tonight?” *pulls out Dick Cheney mask*

        • ToddG says:

          I look forward to reading about this thread again on Friday.

      • Fyodor Douchetoevsky says:

        I hope this means we’ll get to see more and more ridiculous headlines resulting in entertaining adbot hijinks.

      • Destroy Him My Robots says:

        Could you write an article about, I don’t know, applying Cooking Mama knowledge in real life and use the words “oven” and “fish smell” in the headline? Cause I really need some advice on that.

  5. Merve says:

    That sounds like my fourteen-year-old self trying to imitate a girl.

    • nummymuffincookoobutter says:

      Sounds like the large black lady from Police Academy. Or rather a full grown man doing an impression of her.

  6. eggbuerto says:

    Random aside: I’m reading David Copperfield right now and every time Mr. Dick shows up in the book I picture him as Mr. Gameological.

  7. Staggering Stew Bum says:

    Ah, blue alien sideboob. I really should play through the first Mass Effect again.

  8. Shain Eighmey says:

    That’s impressive! It takes quite a bit to try my patience in less than a single line. 

  9. Swadian Knight says:

    Good god, it sounds like they took a single person and made him voice all of the characters. 

  10. caspiancomic says:

    Well, now I’m deaf. Thanks a lot, Gameological!

  11. “The horrific effects of underwater voice-acting…”


  12. Chivo Classic says:

    My two year old son (who is still getting used to his new baby brother) heard Frog speaking and said “Baby?” He has a lot to learn.

  13. Colonel Mustard says:

    So she looks like a young Edna Garrett, and sounds like the Teen Girl Squad announcer run through an Alvin and the Chipmunks synthesizer.  Sign me up!

  14. Guybrush Threepwood says:

    I have to admit her voice does sound like a siren. Tie me to the mast, or I may drown myself.