Murder ReportVideo

The E3 2012 Murder Report: Microsoft

Microsoft boosts its body count into the triple digits with room to spare.

By John Teti • June 5, 2012

Check out the Sony Murder Report and the Nintendo Murder Report.

Everybody knows the old saying about E3 press conferences: Come for the wholesale murder, stay for the continued wholesale murder. In celebration of the expo’s kill-riffic qualities, we’re crunching the numbers this week on the Microsoft, Sony, and Nintendo press conferences. Who racks up the highest body count? And what about the stories behind the deaths?

In the first edition of the Murder Report, Microsoft sets a high bar that will be tough for its competitors to beat. Leave some death for everyone else, Microsoft! Sheesh.

(Warning: Graphic imagery, as you might expect.)

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627 Responses to “The E3 2012 Murder Report: Microsoft”

  1. RidleyFGJ says:

    Well, at least John Teti made the most of his stay at the MS press conference. Imagine the poor schmucks at websites like IGN that had to try and make lemonade out of the sack of rotten lemons they were given.

  2. Effigy_Power says:

    Thanks to the internet I am sick of porn.
    Thanks to 90% of all games I am sick of violence.
    How the hell am I supposed to let off steam now, huh? Because I am not picking up knitting!

    • stakkalee says:

      Cultivate some chemical addictions.

    • Merve says:

      I don’t know what particular pastime would be best for allowing you to let off steam. But now, with the help of Smart Glass, you can let off steam on multiple platforms simultaneously, whatever pastime you choose!

    • Swadian Knight says:

      Just pick up a Sony Playstation 3 Wonderbook™! It will help you relax and learn, with the innovation and technological wonder that only the Sony Playstation 3 Move™ can provide. Experience new and exciting stories set in The Wizarding World Of Harry Potter™ and written by world-renowned author J. K. Rowling!

      Immerse yourself in stories in ways you never thought possible with the Sony Playstation 3 Wonderbook™. Books will never be the same again.

      Coming soon.

    • AHyperkineticLagomorph says:

       I was going to go with a joke about combining them so you can enjoy violent porn, then I remembered that was already a thing. Then I felt sad.

    • Xtracurlyfries says:

      You need to take up EXTREME pornographic knitting, clearly.

    • HobbesMkii says:

       I will say that I actually enjoy knitting. It’s incredibly relaxing.

    • Mookalakai says:

      Sounds like Tracy Jordan’s porn video game would be the refresher you need!

    • Vervack says:

       Hmm…no porn, no violence…have you considered the time-honored profession of writing threatening letters to complete strangers?

  3. X_the_Anonymous_Man_or_Woman says:

    I like this murder report.

    I also like that I have less competition in my button collecting.

  4. Mookalakai says:

    I have a murder-erection for Assassin’s Creed 3, and I don’t care who knows about it.

    • Vervack says:

       I believe I may have one of those for Dishonored, though that game seems to be taking a page from classic Hitman and let you be a professional about it. In the blood-soaked world of vengeance and choked-off death rattles, standards are what separates us from the animals.

  5. info says:

    You could do exactly the same to Television and form one day compress all the footage from all the different channels  to add up to 1000 people killed, if not more.

    The fact is Mature games are only a small portion of games sold, but these anti gaming people do not get any facts or try to give an objective view.

    The other problem is that these mature games are intended for MATURE people but they portray it as though they are intended for kids.
    It is the parents responsibility to ensure their kids do not watch any mature content TV, Music, Movies, Theater, Books even Video Games.
    I as a mature adult have the right to watch what ever I like, you have no right to stop me.
    You have a right NOT to watch what you don’t like.

    Here are some links that should enlighten you.