Out This Week

Fifth time's the charm

Where It Is?

Boat fights and Kinect-ified giant-robot wars. Is there anything video games CAN’T do?

By John Teti • June 19, 2012

Out This Week is a roundup of new games that are out this week. These listings don’t constitute an endorsement or a review of any sort. We also don’t pretend that this is an exhaustive list. If there’s a game on the horizon that interests you, share it in the comments.

Pokémon Conquest
Nintendo DS—June 19

Feudal Japan mixed with cute animals? I’m intrigued, but I want to know more. It’s time again for New Games As Explained By The YouTube Comments On Their Trailers.

An action paced Pokemon spin off? I would buy it. More mature? No! Fuck you.

If you are an attractive girl or woman, then ok, if not, go to hell. Also, what is wrong with having a darker theme to go with the game?

P.S.: When the word “mature” is used, please refrain from thinking only about sex, blood, gore, etc, as it represents Much more than that.

Hideyoshi Toyotomi, Mitsuhide Akechi, Kenshin Uesugi, Shingen Takeda, Yukimura Sanada(?), Nobunaga Oda, Inahime(?), and all of the characters in the little boxes, like Motochika Chōsokabe.

This is based on the past… But that doesnt make sense… Mewtwo was created by scientists in the future.. but he appears in the past.. strange :( i wonder if its just randomly done or if they have a story to it :/

What?

WHAT THE FUCK?

Where is the Pokémon games i grew up with?

WHERE IS THE GAME THAT STARTS WITH A ANNOYING DOCTOR SAYING SHIT I ALREADY KNEW 15 YEARS LATER?

Asking if i’m a boy or girl and asking my name?

WHERE IT IS?

It’s not on my pocket,i swear.

I’m really looking forward to this game,but i do not consider it a Pokémon game.

I’m going to start using “WHERE IT IS?” as the subject line in emails to writers whenever one of them misses a deadline. They’re going to love it!!!!!

Sid Meier’s Civilization V: Gods And Kings
Mac, PC—June 18
Civilization V: Gods And Kings

According to the developers, in this expansion to Civilization V, “your navy is now split into two different ship types, mêlée and ranged.” Wait, what the hell does mêlée naval combat look like?

Sid Meier = a genius.

Steel Battalion: Heavy Armor
Xbox 360—June 19

People used to make fun of the Steel Battalion controller, because it was this homely thing with millions of buttons. Well, with Steel Battalion: Heavy Armor, all those extra buttons have been replaced with Kinect motion-control commands, which are guaranteed to be cumbersome and malfunction and make you hate all video games, now and forever. You can almost hear the Steel Battalion developers saying, “I bet you wish you had all those nice reliable buttons now, don’t you?” Which makes Steel Battalion: Heavy Armor the first video game developed entirely out of spite.

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187 Responses to “Where It Is?”

  1. Paul Kostock says:

    So the kid dragged his screaming crewmate back into the vehicle, beat him into submission, and then blew both of them up?  Were there buttons for all of these functions on the original controller?

    • John Teti says:

      It took me a second to realize you weren’t talking about the boat fight video.

      • Enkidum says:

        I’m still not sure he’s not.

      • Fluka says:

        I’m still mildly disappointed that the youtube video (hilarious as it was) was a fight in a boat, rather than a fight between two boats with someone shouting “RAMMING SPEED.”

    • HobbesMkii says:

      I wonder if they have quicktime events. You know, like “Press X to not get Court Martialed”

      • Paul Kostock says:

        Nah, there’s a minigame where you have to use the kinect motion sensor to drag a black marker over the official Action Report and redact any incriminating verbiage before the Freedom of Information Act Timer runs out.

        • HobbesMkii says:

          “TRACKS SUCCESSFULLY COVERED: You have nominated the enlisted man you accidentally shot for a posthumous Congressional Medal of Honor and bought all witnesses’ silence with promotions and pay-grade bumps.”

      • ToddG says:

        Maaaaarrrrtiiiaaallllll…

      • Asinus says:

        “Press X to Keelhaul Parrot-Nose Pete.”

        “Tap X repeatedly to flog Llewellyn. Stop when pain gauge reaches ‘Death.'”

  2. ToddG says:

    Also, Magic 2013!

  3. sirslud says:

    Ah well, I guess when some intrepid modern dance student decides to write a Steel Battalion interpretive dance, their work will already have been done for them.

  4. Raging Bear says:

    My (ps3) rental copy of Lego Batman 2 already shipped from Gamefly. I declined to buy it entirely out of entitled-consumer-y bitterness for their recent policy of making the PSP (and now, Vita) versions of the games shitty little knockoffs of the full console versions instead of full ports as they used to be.

    And if it’s any good, and since I have 5$ inexplicable Gamefly credit, I could still buy it, “used,” for 15$ under the list price within days of its launch. Spite-based shopping wins again!

  5. Fyodor Douchetoevsky says:

    Oh man, those pokemon youtube comments are pretty choice. Never fails to get me riled up. Do you think the person who posted that “WHERE IT IS??” thing realizes how boring and stupid they are? Fuck. Generic “videogame nostalgia” usually is enough to make me annoyed, but pokemon nostalgia is the fucking worst. “Heh, no, there are only 151 pokemon ever, duh. :smug:”

    And holy shit there are a MILLION GODDAMN POKEMON GAMES. FUCKING HELL. 

    • Merve says:

      THERE ARE NO POKEMON AFTER MEW.

      *sobs uncontrollably upon realizing that he owns Pokémon cards that go well beyond the original 151*

    • Girard says:

      The main thing that makes me annoyed about Pokemon nostalgia is that it makes me feel old.

      It IS also just plain irritating, though.

    • evanwaters says:

      At this point Pokemon is like Madden. It’s just a question of updating the roster each time.

  6. Chris Holly says:

    “Which makes Steel Battalion: Heavy Armor the first video game developed entirely out of spite.”

    Postal 3 would like to have a word with you.

  7. rvb1023 says:

    I won’t lie, that Steel Battalion game and the not-Panzer-Dragoon game are making it really tempting to get a Kinect.  That said they will both probably suck.

  8. Spacemonkey Mafia says:

    I look at that Steel Battalion controller and realize that “fun” is a wildly divergent term.

    • George_Liquor says:

      Why, Capcom? Why put so much effort into that huge-ass controller and not just build the rest of the giant robot?

  9. JosephHilgard says:

    I wasn’t aware until today that anybody had ever looked at the Steel Batallion controller without experiencing all-consuming envy and lust.  so many delicious, alluring buttons…

  10. Swadian Knight says:

    Steel Battalion: Heavy Armor – the game that uses Kinect™ to let you blow yourself up with gestures after the controls make you fail your mission.

    • Binsbein says:

      To add an extra layer of complexity they should have had you control the person controlling the Kinect who is controlling the Steel Battalion: Heavy Armor game *in-game*.

      Motion control singularity.

    • dreadguacamole says:

       @@SwadianKnight:disqus:  Not only that, it records a video when you do that, and sends it over to Capcom, who proceed to feed of the heightened emotions like some sort of Schadenfraude Vampires.
       (That’s how I explain away many of Capcom’s recent business practices, at least)

  11. Asinus says:

    From what I understand, naval melee combat was a horrible, horrible thing. At least people eventually had the decency to just blow up ships from range and get it over with quickly.

    • Vervack says:

       I’m wondering how exactly that would work ingame. I’m kind of picturing it like in the real world right now, where all combat is melee (in the sense that running into the other guy’s ship then either sending all your guys aboard to murder his crew or just ram him below the waterline is “melee”) until someone discovers gunpowder and metallurgy, after which it’s all ranged until the late industrial period when we get torpedoes and carriers and minefields and cruise missiles and whatnot.

  12. Captain_Internet says:

    I’d love to get a Kinect, but I haven’t got a lounge with exposed brickwork.

  13. Hey, PokéConquest asked me if I was a boy or girl AND for my name within the first two minutes. Just because they don’t show it in the trailer doesn’t mean it’s not in the game. Although the annoying doctor bit was indeed cut, sadly.