Sawbuck Gamer

CLOP

Virgin Upon A Hill

CLOP is QWOP with a unicorn.

By Matt Kodner • August 15, 2012

Sawbuck Gamer is our daily review of a free or cheap ($10 or less) game.

Monty Python’s vision of the quest for the Holy Grail featured a notably horseless King Arthur, accompanied by his faithful patsy, Patsy. To produce the nobility fit for a king, Patsy rhythmically clunked two coconuts together and made the familiar clip-clop sound of a horse’s hoofbeats. Shockingly, they fooled no one. Once Bennett Foddy puts you in “control” of the unicorn in his newest keyboard-smasher CLOP, it soon becomes clear that the Clop is as much a unicorn as King Arthur’s coconuts are a horse. The beast may have the appearance right, but the specifics are all wrong. He is cursed with a center of gravity of a hefty tube TV and the coordination of a drunken rag doll.

The medieval-tinged game begins when a local japer named Sherrod mentions a rumored virgin across yonder hill. A wary Clop gets the message. Though Clop “mislikes hills” by his own admission, the quest begins and you take the reins, moving each leg individually. Forward motion seems initially feasible by alternating legs on the same side, and with the right timing, Clop whinnies his way into an uneasy, yet workable trot.

Then come the rocks. Faced with tiny stones and mild inclines, Clop will often fall upwards onto his back. Sherrod throws out a biting taunt, and it’s Game Over. There are no save-points, and beyond inching forward in the hidden Lame Horse Mode, there are no readily available or apparent strategies to win. CLOP is impossible, but not unplayable. At the end of the day, Clop may as well be a set of coconuts, but according to videos on YouTube, CLOP apparently has a legitimate ending, which is more than The Holy Grail can lay claim to.

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716 Responses to “Virgin Upon A Hill”

  1. Fluka says:

    My unicorn is upside down. :(

    • HobbesMkii says:

       Don’t worry about it. It just happens sometimes. It doesn’t mean you’re any less virile than you were before.

  2. George_Liquor says:

    Oh God, CLOP. I lost two hours to this sadistic little torture device last week. I could even get that damn nag up to a decent clip (clop) each time, but since he has no momentum or traction at all, he’d stop dead and flop over backwards every time he hit that hill. Still, on the plus side, I got a few bitchin’ unicorn wheelies out of him.

  3. Basement Boy says:

    After my dismal QWOP attempts, I doubt I’ll even try… tho it might be good for a few chuckles.

    • blue vodka lemonade says:

       It’s much, much easier than QWOP, mostly because CLOP has those nice extra legs.

  4. El Zilcho says:

    So is there or isn’t there a virgin over yonder hill? Is she hot?

  5. Captain Internet says:

    One hint: pressing the buttons HJKL in that order, at the right speed, will give forward motion. Honestly. This won’t make it any easier, but you’ll probably get further than you would otherwise.

    • caspiancomic says:

       Yeah, the only method I’ve found that works is pressing those buttons in that order with as consistent a rhythm as I could manage. Since it’s more natural for me to strum my fingers from pinky to index rather than the other way around, I even turned my keyboard upside down to make it easier. Still, I can only ever get about a fifth of the way through the course.

      • Fluka says:

        Dragging one hind leg instead of moving it got me up to the top of the hill, by acting as a stabilizer.  There’s then a steep drop off, however, which I have no idea how to get past.

  6. So it’s QWOP with a unicorn? Eh… I ragequitted QWOP before, so I’ll pass on this one.

  7. trilobiter says:

    Did we really just compare CLOP favorably with Monty Python and the Holy Grail?  I don’t think I approve of this 

  8. Are we sure the game isn’t primarily an excuse to have named a game for the term for fapping to My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic?

  9. Aaron Riccio says:

    I may be misremembering, but didn’t the Holy Grail video game HAVE an ending, even if that wasn’t entirely the point of playing it? 

    And while I’m “nitpicking,” what makes you sure that this is the least graceful unicorn out there? I mean, there must be a reason they’re extinct, right? 

    On a more serious note, while CLOP isn’t much fun to play, it’s absolutely hilarious to watch. Sort of like the reaction videos to “Two Girls One Cup.” I’m sure there’s an Inventory waiting of games that fit that category, as I can remember many a day spent having to watch my younger brother play games (and vice versa), with some clearly being easier to sit through than others. (The best? Secret of Mana. The two of us could play that one together forever.)

  10. lanqiu886 says:

     http://tinyurl.com/84zrtck