Best Treasure Ever


Round One: 6-seeds vs. 3-seeds

Eight “almost equally matched, but not really” treasures are out for blood and fish.

By Steve Heisler • September 12, 2012

Yesterday was a chance for the Davids to face off against a slew of Goliaths, battling it out until Yoshi cried for mercy at the hands of a mere warp whistle, enveloping us all in a mini tornado of arbitrary rage. Today’s not as cut-and-dry—we’ll take a look at the No. 3 and No. 6 seeds, and I have a feeling we’ll all be surprised to see just how many sixes rise to the top. Once they get over their fear of sevens, of course.

As usual, the polls will be open for 24 hours (closing at midnight Eastern), and ballot stuffing is discouraged—though cash deposits to my personal bank account are always encouraged. Not for Gameological purposes; I just need to buy some of those “jeans” so popular this fall season.

Animal Division: Coelacanth vs. Pojo
Coelacanth, Animal Crossing
Pojo, Gauntlet: Dark Legacy

At first, this one seems straightforward. You become Pojo after consuming a rare egg—a transformation into a chicken beast that breathes fire, capable of decimating foes and cooking itself for a very exclusive farm-to-table Brooklyn bistro. The Coelacanth, however, is a fish. A spotted one…looks kinda rancid.

But think about rich people for a second. Aside from top hats, opera glasses, and sacks of coins with dollar signs on them, how do they show off their extreme wealth? Exotic fish. Wee-Bey from The Wire. The owner of the mansion in Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo. No more examples are necessary, because clearly we have covered the entire spectrum of contemporary American film and television.

A house with a fire-breathing chicken in it? More of a freak show, really (unless you bite the head off said chicken, at which point it becomes a geek show).

So choose wisely, Mitt Romney!

[poll id=”7″]
Weapon Division: RYNO V vs. Drake Sword
RYNO V, Ratchet & Clank: A Crack In Time
Drake Sword, Dark Souls

The RYNO V, with its plethora of fireworks and missiles (and musical accompaniment) is the kind of weapon Wile E. Coyote might buy from the Acme Corporation. It’s ludicrous and garish, but it gets the job done in a way no other weapon in the Ratchet & Clank series can. Or really, in a way no 30 weapons can. A slight disadvantage: It comes late in the game, when you’re already well on your way to unimaginable power.

The Drake Sword, however, is one of the first weapons you can acquire in the merciless Dark Souls universe—where even the slightest tweak of armor can mean the difference between defeating a huge minotaur or dying for the umpteen-billionth time. It’s just a sword, sure, but one that’s at least twice as powerful as anything else you get for quite some time, making it the kind of thing you clutch to your chest for dear life, maybe put a wig on it and hope a progressive church doesn’t notice.

Is less more? Is more more?

[poll id=”8″]
Throwback Division: Nagette Bromide vs. Red Ring
Nagette Bromide, Chrono Trigger
Red Ring, The Legend Of Zelda

The Nagette Bromide (or Nagaette Bromide, or Naga Bromide, depending on the translation) literally does nothing. It doesn’t even show up in your inventory. It might as well not exist at all. And compared to the Red Ring, which turns Link into a resilient sword-thrusting machine, it’s—well what’s less than nothing? Anti-matter? It’s that.

But there’s certainly something intriguing about an item with no function. Like…okay, does it really have no function? You can trade it to some old man. What is that guy going to do with it? There’s gotta be something they’re not telling us, right? Why so secret, Nagette Bromide? What are you hiding behind your Nagette face (if there is a face)? WHAT AM I MISSING? [Rolls out conspiracy board and places another piece of red yarn connecting Chrono Trigger and a photo of Annette Bening.] [poll id=”9″]

Wild Card Division: Foam Finger vs. The Tome
Foam Finger, Dead Space 2
The Tome, Fez

So it has come to this: jocks vs. nerds, the timeless struggle playing itself out in high school movies from the 1980s. On the one hand, you’ve got a novelty item from a football game that shoots invisible bullets accompanied by a “pew pew” sound—which I guess sounds pretty nerdy. On the other, there’s a hoity-toity book that has the gall to require focus and training to decode—which I guess sounds pretty jocky. Look at us, finding common ground!

[poll id=”10″]

Share this with your friends and enemies

Write a scintillating comment

136 Responses to “Round One: 6-seeds vs. 3-seeds”

  1. NFET says:

    There are other people out there who remember Gauntlet: Dark Legacy! I really love that game.

    • Aaron Riccio says:

      Makes me wonder why there isn’t a Gauntlet game out right now for XBOX Arcade or something. I mean, if NFL Blitz is coming back, why not Gauntlet? It’s perfect for pick-up and put-down online play, and Dark Legacy was pretty amusing.

    • George_Liquor says:

      It’s an awesome two-player game, and one I’d like to dust off again. I remember getting turned into a chicken on numerous occasions, but I don’t recall that chicken ever breathing fire.

  2. Wabbajack is going all the way baby! To tha bank!

    Until it gets knocked out in the next round by the BFG. Dammit!

    • Effigy_Power says:

      Puh, I don’t need more things to kill people with, but turning them into random items? That’s too unique to be knocked out by “Giant Penis Replacement Cannon No 6”.
      Especially if you wonder… when someone’s Wabbajacked, do they keep their consciousness? Like as a bag of gold or a sweetroll? Because that would be much worse than death.

  3. HighlyFunctioningTimTebow says:

    Is it possible to have voter’s regret? I went with Foam Finger, as it’s combination of humor and game-breaking damage is the perfect salve for enduring a tense, 8+ hour creepings through Dead Space 2’s Hardcore mode. But then I remembered all of the weird esoterica and MENSA level puzzles required for The Tome, and now I’m thinking I really should have played Fez at some point.

    • Staggering Stew Bum says:

      Beating Dead Space 2 on Hardcore mode is like my Everest. I don’t think I’ll ever get to the top, I’m too busy dying of oxygen deprivation at the first base camp. Probably the shittiest trophy/achievement ever devised.

      • Aurora Boreanaz says:

        Tell us the story again!  You know, the one about how you were going to beat Dead Space 2, but then knocked over the shelf with your mother’s thimble collection like, four times in a row?!

    • In regards to Fez, you didn’t miss that much. It had some sweet art design but it’s kind of a drag overall. No quick-travel means you spend umpteen minutes running across the weird map to the one area you haven’t found all the cubes just to search for them in vain for god-knows-how long.

      • alguien_comenta says:

        Traveling was a drag for sure, but IMO Fez is still a unique experience. It’s basically an archeology simulator… how many of those do we have?

  4. RidleyFGJ says:

    The Drake Sword having an entry makes me smile, as I’ve put in over 76 hours into the game since it was released on the PC.

    Sadly, that sword outlives its usefulness after the Capra Demon, which really isn’t that far into the game at all.

    • doyourealize says:

      Not to mention the sword would have no use against against said minotaur mentioned in the write-up, as you can’t get the Drake Sword until after it’s already dead. Unless you’re talking about NG+, and if you’re still using the Drake Sword at that point, you’re either really good or incredibly dumb.

      • Everlasting_Godstabber says:

        If you’re feeling particularly adventurous and have the Thief’s Key, you could take Havel’s tower down to Darkroot, up to Undead Parish, backtrack to the bridge to get the Drake Sword, then re-backtrack to the minotaur!

        • RidleyFGJ says:

          You’re honestly much better off using a plunging attack on the Taurus Demon than going out of your way to grab the Drake Sword to use against it.

          It’s handy to have when fighting the Capra Demon, but you can just as well not use it since the fight is won as soon as you make to the stairs and dispose of the dogs.

        • Everlasting_Godstabber says:

          Well, yeah…but you COULD do it. I think the Gargoyles are where it really comes in handy the most.

        • doyourealize says:

          That seems like a lot of work to accomplish something that’s only real purpose is to prove me wrong.

        • Everlasting_Godstabber says:

          Sorry @doyourealize:disqus …not so much trying to prove you wrong, just thought it was interesting (probably way too strong a word…but can’t think of a better one). I thought I made it clear that doing so would be fairly ridiculous.

    • WorldCivilizations says:

      I am going to point out that the Drake Sword can be obtained “legitimately”, that is, by chopping of the drake’s tail by hand (then killing it, ideally, though the drake is arguably the strongest enemy in the game). I always felt like the arrow trick is a bit cheap. Either way, it’s really not that important to get, since you can use the golden pine resin to make the gargoyles a breeze. I guess what I’m trying to say is I want an excuse to talk about Dark Souls because I love it.

  5. Matt Kodner says:

    very relieved to see the golden pantaloons secure their wildcard spot. thems pants going all the way bebby.

    • Sarapen says:

      You just reminded me that I still haven’t finished Throne of Bhaal. Okay, I’m committing myself to completing the trilogy before 2013.

    • doyourealize says:

      And you just reminded me that I’ve never played the Baldur’s Gate games, except for a very recent jaunt through about 1/2 hour of the first one. In fact, until recently I always though the Baldur’s Gate everyone was raving about was the Dark Alliance games on Xbox, which are supposedly small beans compared to the real thing.

      Fuck that, I really liked them. 

  6. Funny write-up, Steve.  That was a good one.  Hey, I wonder if the nominees for the #4 slot are up yet.  I’ll just…

    (looks at Tanooki Suit, spits out drink)

    Holy CATS, Mr. Science!  That was my suggestion!  I…thank you so much, everyone!  We’re all winners, truly, at least until the Space Hamster squeaks out a victory!  Did any other–

    (looks at Screw Attack, spits out drink)

    That was ALSO my suggestion, you beautiful, beautiful people!  I am so honored to have an idea…defeated by the Warp Whistle in the next round.  But still!  You folks are the best!  The BFG 9000 and The Golden Pantaloons are worthy competitors, too!  Congratulations, Mr. Glitch and Lasagna42!

    (glances at puddles all over desk)

    I need a new drink.

    • I have a sneakling suspicion that the #4 seeds are where one should put their nest eggs.

    • Captain Internet says:

      I completely missed PETA’s rather baffling take on the Tanooki suit from last year. It’s like they want to trivialise the issue and shock people at the same time. I’m not sure that a game featuring a skinless dog trying to eat a human is the best way to generate empathy. 
      Actually, if there’s one thing that games have taught me, it’s that skinless dogs are always hostile. 

      • Aurora Boreanaz says:

        When people who have no real understanding of video games try to express their outrage at video games by making their own, it never ends well.

        Take good ol’ crazy Florida lawyer Jack Thompson for example.  His idea to show how bad the violence in video games was?  A game involving some guy shooting up an office full of game executives.  Yeah…because the best way to show that someone is doing something you think is wrong is to do something worse.

        “Your honor, the defendant is guilty of stealing that sweater.  I can prove it because I burned down the department store!”

  7. Enkidum says:

    I feel intense gamer shame, not having played a single one of the games that any of the treasures voted on so far have been in. Except for maybe one of the Marios, and I would never have gotten past the first couple of worlds.

    • Monkeylint says:

      Not being a console gamer, there’s already a whole bunch of games I’ve never played and being a dad, I’m years behind on the PC games I’ve picked up cheap through Steam sales. The only one I’ve played in the last two days’ lists is Fallout 3. I’ve owned ME2 and Dead Space 2 for more than a year and haven’t gotten a chance to play them yet.

      • Enkidum says:

        Same boat as you (including the dad thing), except that I’m a mac user, which isn’t as bad as it used to be, but it cuts down a lot.

        However last year we got an xbox “for the kids” and this year I got a ps3 “for the blu-ray player”. And my ability to maintain a work-life balance fell to pieces, although those events were all entirely unrelated. 

  8. vinnybushes says:

    I’m ashamed I didn’t know the use for the bromide being as big of a Chrono Trigger fanboy as I am, but,  according to the internet “It can be traded to an old man in dorino in exchange for a magic capusle”. So, getting the bromide raises one of your characters magic stat by exactly one.

    • To be precise, it can be exchanged for the key to open the drawer containing a magic tab.

    • doyourealize says:

      Now I feel bad about voting for it. I guess “completely useless” is better than “it’s kind of decent if you don’t have to go out of your way to get it” in my book.

    • John Teti says:

      Thanks, vinnybushes. Corrected.

    • I share your shame! It’s absolutely astounding how many little strokes of strange like that are buried throughout our Trigger.

      • Cheese says:

        That reminds me, I need to go scratch a Nu’s back.

      • Pgoodso says:

        Like the Gold Rock? The only way to get it is to go to the Denadoro Mountains and LET a bird-ninja-thing hit you with one of the rocks it keeps throwing. FURTHER, Frog has to be in the lead of the party AND you can only catch the stone after powering up the Masamune during Frog’s post-Zeal sidequest, which is almost the end of the game. FURTHER, there’s absolutely no in-game reason to return to the Denadoro Mountains, which remains a low-level dungeon otherwise. FURTHER, the Gold Stone only provides a merely ok Triple Tech for Frog, Marle, and Robo, a rather mediocre group composition to begin with.

        Did I still use it because Frog is awesome? Hell yes I did.

  9. PugsMalone says:

    I’m so down that my Fixed Dice nomination didn’t make it in. Maybe I should have made a better argument than just repeating its name excitedly.

    • Girard says:

       I’m so down that there was apparently a nomination thread for videogame treasures and I appear to have missed it!

      • Hofmeier says:

         What would you have nominated? Not that I can help, but, you know. Just out of curiosity.

        • Girard says:

           I mainly thought it would be fun to see people’s suggestions and throw ideas around…after the fact, I’m not sure. A vacuum is a little less inspiring. I guess a couple of weird/interesting treasures/items spring to mind:

          -The ‘chick’ in Earthbound is the only item that can cure the randomly
          occurring status ailment “home sickness.” Which is adorable and
          idiosyncratic and great.
          -‘Straight block’ from Tetris.
          -The ‘car bomb’ game in Sam & Max.
          -‘no tea’ in the Hitchhiker’s Guide text adventure. It’s an item you carry whenever you aren’t carrying tea, but eventually in the game, after you’ve damaged your brain’s logic centers, you can carry ‘tea’ and ‘no tea’ at once, which is necessary to solve a puzzle.

    • John Teti says:

      It was a close call in the Wild Card division, but the case for Golden Pantaloons was so thorough and entertaining that it was hard not to go with that one.

      • George_Liquor says:

        I’ve never played any of the Bauldur’s Gate games. The more I learn about this huge, Grand Canyon-sized gap in my gaming experience, the more I want to fill it.

  10. ToddG says:

    Wow, lot of close races so far.  I voted for the Coelacanth Nagette Finger V, putting me in the current majority on 3/4.

  11. doyourealize says:

    So far, all my votes today are for the underdogs, but not by much in a few of them, and by no means on purpose. I don’t even know which are 3rd and which 6th seeds.

    My suggestion for the Pure Bladestone of Demon’s Souls didn’t make it up there, despite my impassioned plea, so I gotta make sure the Drake Sword makes it as far as possible. It’s a good think nobody’s ever heard of or played this so-called “Ratchet and Clank” game.

    • Aurora Boreanaz says:

      I had to vote for the RYNO for a) the name, and b) the 1812 Overture playing when you fire it.  That’s just great!  Also, I have played a total of 30 minutes of Dark Souls so far…long enough to get basically nothing done yet.

  12. Lasagna42 says:

    Pantaloons made it!  My cup runneth over.  Thanks to all who voted for ’em.  Going all the way, baby!

    Good choices across the board for the #4 picks, I think.  I’m very glad to see the BFG make it on the list – I still remember just how psyched I was to get that gun at the end of Doom, and just how naughty the name seemed at the time.