Best Treasure Ever


Round Two: Underdogs face off

Prehistoric fowl hunts its natural prey, and unusual fashion choices populate our second round.

By Anthony John Agnello • September 18, 2012

Our second day of the second round is a strange balance of unlikely contests and fated matches. How could the cave duck not go up against the prehistoric fish from Animal Crossing? Those two have probably hated each other forever! The Red Ring of Zelda against the Earth Harp held by the Emerald Weapon? Those are the complementary colors of destiny! Then you’ve got a pearl pitted against a musical hand cannon—one for the ages.

The Gameological Society trusts you to judge this weirdness appropriately.

Animal Division: Bubba Duck vs. Coelacanth
Bubba Duck, DuckTales
Coelacanth, Animal Crossing

There’s no question about the outcome if these two prehistoric beasts met. The spotted, monstrous Coelacanth only emerges in the rain and snow at the stroke of midnight, its power drawn from oppressive weather. That drooling primitive Bubba Duck, meanwhile, can’t stop getting his ass frozen. The Coelacanth would just wait for Bubba to try and catch him, then allow the elements to do their thing. We can assume the Coelacanth would emerge from its wavy home to flip Bubba the bird just before he loses consciousness.

For anyone playing their games, Bubba still has the clear strategic advantage. The guy will make you live longer, whereas the Coelacanth produces oil that makes it taste like crap. Point: Bubba.

[poll id=”23″]
Throwback Division: Earth Harp vs. Red Ring
Earth Harp, Final Fantasy VII
Red Ring, The Legend Of Zelda

Were notable pragmatic psychologist William James judging this competition, he’d tell you that the Earth Harp was the obvious choice. Both the Ring and the Harp are buried in the most dangerous reaches of their respective worlds, but only the Harp gives you an all-encompassing armory of magic. The Ring lets you take punishment from monsters, but the Harp gives you both defensive abilities and the chance to hit your enemies in the face with lightning. Pragmatism at its finest.

James also said, “The great use of life is to spend it for something that will outlast it.” The Red Ring makes for a hell of an engagement ring after you save Princess Zelda, passing it to the elf children you sire for generations to come. Not as conventionally pragmatic, but certainly useful.

[poll id=”24″]
Weapon Division: RYNO V vs. Ultima Pearl
RYNO V, Ratchet & Clank: A Crack In Time
Ultima Pearl, KOTOR II

The Ultima Pearl is certainly precious. There’s only one of ’em, and you only get one shot at breaking into the room where it was squirreled away by some spendthrift Jedi. It will not, however, make your lightsaber play bombastic orchestral music. Swing the sword, and it’ll still just go vrrrrm vrrrrm. No cannons will fire in time with timpani. The RYNO V, on the other hand, makes with the sweet symphonic jams while also blowing away everything you don’t like. Ratchet’s a cunning engineer, too. He could probably make it so the RYNO V shoots lightsabers.

There’s also the destination versus journey factor to consider. Acquiring the Ultima Pearl entails opening a door. A tricky door, mind you, but still just a door. Putting together the RYNO V involves adventure across myriad alien worlds. That is objectively cooler, unless you’re a homebody, in which case you’re not up to Jedi snuff and would have no use for the Ultima Pearl.

[poll id=”25″]
Wild Card Division: Foam Finger vs. Bandana
Foam Finger, Dead Space 2
Bandana, Metal Gear Solid 4

Fashion versatility is almost as important as functionality. Dead Space’s Foam Finger is not appropriate for most occasions. It’s great in a fight against slavering space mutants, but unless you’re in a commercial for Target, or you’ve got season tickets to a team whose colors are red and white, that thing’s just going to sit in your garage and get pooped on by mice.

Solid Snake’s bandana works for many events: exercising, doing yard work, games of Pin The Tail On The Donkey, Steven Tyler Halloween costume, joining the local chapter of the Hell’s Angels, etc. Plus, if you absolutely have to shoot something, the bandana’s infinite ammunition makes it more economical.

Who knows, though: Maybe you’re an Ohio State alum plagued by space zombies.

[poll id=”26″]

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230 Responses to “Round Two: Underdogs face off”

  1. (spits out more drink to see his two suggestions advance to round 3

    That’s amazing!  Thank you, everybody!  I’m flabbergasted!  I only wish the BFG and Golden Pantaloons were here to share in the applause.  You had my votes!  I don’t know what happened there; I…


    (spits out drink)

    (checks results)

    Okay, nothing changed that time. 

    I guess I need to work on my cause/effect relationships.

    • Mr. Glitch says:

      I want you to know… just think how much you’re going to be missing. You won’t have the BFG to kick around anymore.

      • I think, too, that I can say, that in my years of gaming life…that I welcome this kind of tournament, because people have gotta know, whether or not their Tanooki Screw is a crook.  Well, I’m not a crook.  I’ve earned every power-up I’ve got.  (leaves stage)

      • Effigy_Power says:

        We could Wabbajack the BFG…
        Maybe that would turn it into something useful… like another Wabbajack.

  2. Spacemonkey Mafia says:

    “There are 47 percent of the people who will vote for the Ultima Pearl no matter what.    All right, there are 47 percent who are with it, who are dependent upon the damage bonus, who believe that they are victims of Wampa attacks, who believe the Pearl has a responsibility to give them crit bonuses, who believe that they are entitled to Medpacs, to armor upgrades, to Smuggling Vessels, to you-name-it.” 

  3. caspiancomic says:

    BFG 9000 didn’t make it!? RECOUNT. RECOOOOUNT!!

    Also: at time of posting, Ultima Pearl and RYNO V are neck-in-neck! I’ve never been so emotionally invested in the journeys of two objects I’d never heard of before from games I’ve never even played!

  4. Cloks says:

    Ohio State sensors activated! Engaging GOBUCKS subroutine.

  5. ItsTheShadsy says:

    It might be for the best that Space Hamster lost. The inevitable Space Hamster/Bubba Duck showdown would have been a total shitshow.

    • blue vodka lemonade says:

       WAIT. Wait. Waitttttttt.

      It lost? How? I sacrificed eight goats at the altar last night. Eight! That’s like, six more goats than I really could afford.

      Now who’s gonna feed the kids? Who? Not me. I don’t even have a goat.

      • Spacemonkey Mafia says:

        Next time, sacrifice the kids, keep the goats.

        • blue vodka lemonade says:

           Let me rephrase. The kids are also goats. Everyone are goats. Bleat. Bleat Bleat.

          I may have inhaled a lot of spray paint fumes. It may be nearly 2 AM. I may be on fire.

        • Effigy_Power says:

          Don’t try to change the issue by claiming everyone is goats.
          It distracts from the fact that everyone is lizards.

      • PaganPoet says:

        It’s that damned Tanooki Suit! I’ve been decrying its so-called “benefits” from day one, but damned it, nostalgia apparently dies hard among GS voters!

        At least that stupid Warp Whistle is out of the picture.

    • blue vodka lemonade says:

       Also, for serious:

      There were a lot of last-second upsets last round. I know that the golden pantaloons and the hamster were both in the lead when I voted the other night. Must be some mysterious demographic difference that made them swing in the other direction.

    • Fluka says:

      Spaaace haaamsteeerrr… *Sobs while eating several packets of astronaut ice-cream.* 

  6. LoveWaffle says:

    FF7 vs. Zelda?  Are we sure this didn’t just become a GameFAQs poll?

  7. “For anyone playing their games […] the Coelacanth
    produces oil that makes it taste like crap”

    That’s a weird way to spell “sells for 15,000 bells.” You catch enough of those bad boys and you can kiss your (current) house payment goodbye.

  8. stakkalee says:

    WHAAAAT!?!?!  Golden pantaloons lost?  To the freaking Luck Bobblehead?  It’s just a damn Vault Boy statue in an ugly green Pilgrim hat!  The golden pantaloons are Pure Style!  They positively OOZE class!  MC Hammer would wear those golden pantaloons proudly!  Liberace would weep with joy to own a pair of golden pantaloons!  Lady Gaga herself can only dream of wearing something so chic!  I’m disappointed, Gameological Society, so disappointed.  This demands a response.  I don’t know what yet, but this isn’t over.  No, ma’am.  Not by a long shot.

  9. If either Red Ring or Lucky Bobblehead win I’m burning down Brooklyn.

    Go Bandana!

  10. duwease says:

    LUCK BOBBLEHEAD won?!? That’s it, I’m moving to Canada!