Best Treasure Ever

Luck Bobblehead

The Quarterfinals

Can the Tanooki Suit best its mallard competitor?

By Drew Toal • September 19, 2012

A few years ago, I stopped taking part in March Madness college basketball tournament pools. It got too frustrating watching borderline Division 1 super-underdogs like Weber State or Southwest Bumblefuck Methodist University State stage improbable upsets and shoot my bracket to pieces. That is how I’ve started to feel about the “Best Treasure Ever”: upset after egregious upset. What the hell, people? First the Golden Pantaloons, and now the Foam Finger? Really? What’s so great about a stupid bandana, anyway? Says the guy who loves gaudy pantaloons.

The Gameological Society trusts you to judge this weirdness appropriately.

Animal Division: Bubba Duck vs. Tanooki Suit
Bubba Duck, DuckTales
Tanooki Suit, Super Mario Bros. 3

I’m still not 100 percent clear what a Bubba Duck is. He’s some Cro-Magnon ancestor of Scrooge McDuck, right? Do his ancient, unsullied duck genes contain the key to curing cancer, or is he a rare French delicacy? Neither? Color me unimpressed. Still, he has proven more popular than Encino Man.

The Tanooki Suit, on the other hand, is cutting an impressive swath of destruction through all who oppose it. Who else is excited to see Arthur M. Gameological III exchange his silken robe for a full-on raccoon jumpsuit? Oh, so no one?

[poll id=”27″]
Throwback Division: Screw Attack vs. Red Ring
Screw Attack, Metroid
Red Ring, The Legend Of Zelda

In my naive Round One days, I would’ve said this was a no-brainer. Back then (oh, what a fool I was!), I still thought people voted according to rational motivations. Which treasure has the most utility? Which is rarest? Which will provide universal health care without exploding the deficit? Two classic games, two iconic treasures. Samus’s screw attack is unstoppable, yes, but that ring… is… is so… hypnotic… Where am I again? Death to the enemies of Red Ring!

[poll id=”28″]
Weapon Division: Wabbajack vs. RYNO V
Wabbajack, Oblivion and Skyrim
RYNO V, Ratchet & Clank: A Crack In Time

Now that the BFG 9000 has been downsized, the Weapon Division is wide open for Sheogorath’s fun-stick to turn all its competitors into harmless, delicious muffins on its way to ultimate victory. All that stands in its way is the RYNO V, a BFG in its own right that comes with full-scale orchestral accompaniment.

Despite all its bells and whistles and bullets, the RYNO barely got past the Ultima Pearl in the last round, as noted by commenter caspiancomic, who succinctly sums it up for all of us: “At time of posting, Ultima Pearl and RYNO V are neck-in-neck! I’ve never been so emotionally invested in the journeys of two objects I’d never heard of before from games I’ve never even played!”

[poll id=”29″]
Wild Card Division: Bandana vs. Luck Bobblehead
Bandana, Metal Gear Solid 4
Luck Bobblehead, Fallout 3

I thought the bandana reached its cultural apex while resting on Deion Sanders’s dome in MC Hammer videos. Not for the first time today, I was wrong. Solid Snake’s classic-yet-understated head gear is a gathering electoral tidal wave that only the transmigrational powers of the Wabbajack can stop.

Despite it’s No. 1 seed, the Luck Bobblehead doesn’t have much more than a puncher’s chance here. Not unless Falcor The Luck Dragon swoops in and eats Snake and his ridiculous do-rag. It could happen.

[poll id=”30″]

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1,570 Responses to “The Quarterfinals”

  1. ItsTheShadsy says:



    • Spacemonkey Mafia says:

      If anyone is truly willing to gain psycho-spatial powers at the expense of eating anthropomorphic caveman turds, they’re welcome to the universe.

    • Matt Kodner says:

      Since the pantaloons got toastified, I’m bestowing all my hopes, dreams, and emotions into a single vote for Bubba Duck. 

      Bubba Duck, The Duck, for all of us.

    • Girard says:

       I must not Bubba Duck. Bubba Duck is the mind-killer. Bubba Duck is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my Bubba Duck. I will permit it to pass over me and through me.

    • blue vodka lemonade says:

       Bubba Duck must defeat the Tanooki Suit. The vile, cursed Tanooki Suit which crushed the dreams of Nibbles the Space Hamster.

      Do it for Nibbles. Vote Bubba Duck.

      • PaganPoet says:

        Oh my, I had actually named him Kibbles. Those names must be the default in the collective unconscious for pet rodents.

        • blue vodka lemonade says:

           Originally I’d try to mimic the adorable little tweedleeee sound the hamster makes when it runs out of its little cove thing, but it was obnoxious even to me.

          I was kind of neurotic about accidentally breaking up with my Space Boyfriend in ME2, so after every round of talking to people I’d go to the cabin, check to make sure Space Boyfriend’s picture was still up, and check on Nibbles. I’m really glad I didn’t have to remember to feed Nibbles like those stupid fish, of which I think I killed every single one.

  2. Cloks says:

    I don’t know if this has already been discussed, but Bethesda made an actual generic Fallout Bobblehead that was included in the collector’s edition of FO:3. While I’m not a big fan of the actual game, I did buy it again just for that piece of kitsch, and it holds the dual honor of being both my favorite video-game related item I own and my favorite bobble-head that I own. (Out of all one bobbleheads.)

  3. Merve says:

    I’m predicting a Wabbajack vs. Bandana showdown for the final two. I couldn’t be more excited; I’ve always wanted to judge nonsensical weapons against fashion accessories.

    • HobbesMkii says:

       No way. Wabbajack versus Bobblehead.

      • Merve says:


        Wow, that escalated quickly. I think I need a cup of cocoa.

        • Spacemonkey Mafia says:

          Blood cocoa!

        • HobbesMkii says:

          Blood and chocolate shall be so in use
          And dreadful objects so familiar
          That mothers shall but smile when they behold
          Their infants mollified in their choice of drink;
          All pity choked with custom of marshmallow:
          And Merve’s spirit, ranging for revenge,
          With cup of water come hot from hell,
          Shall in these confines with a monarch’s voice
          Cry ‘Havoc,’ and let boil the kettle of war;
          That this laze’d deed shall smell above the earth
          With cup of cocoa powder; needs more milk.

      • Effigy_Power says:

         Yeah, pretty sure it’s going to be Bobblehead/Wabbajack… Bethesda really must have a field day with this if they know about it perhaps if someone told them about it could be.

        • boardgameguy says:

          i wouldn’t be surprised if Bethesda sent an email to all employees imploring them to vote for the luck bobblehead before they go home every night.

    • PhilWal0 says:

       My prediction: Tanooki Suit over Luck Bobblehead.

  4. SUIT/ATTACK 2012!  Because, some inspiring slogan!

    Yeah, I dunno either.  In my best-case scenario, both of my suggestions would end up fighting each other in the next round.  I’m still going with them, of course, because, you know.  But I don’t know what to do if they each beat Bubba and the ring.

    Wouldn’t that concept enliven the hell out of presidential races, though?  Whichever team wins the election has to battle each other to see who gets to be president?  The outcome(s) of the current contest seems clear to me:  Mitt Romney would have his servants push a statue of Ayn Rand over on Paul Ryan, and that’s that.  Obama v. Biden might be less predictable, though:  Biden looks like he’s got that Bob Barker-in-Happy Gilmore surprise body blow in his arsenal.

    Oh, for the days of Aaron Burr and pistols at dawn.

  5. PaganPoet says:

    Alright, Space Hamster is toast, so I’m in this 100% for Screw Attack…mainly because it’s just about the one of the only items left that I’ve actually experienced firsthand, and I’m NOT voting for the Tanooki Suit or the Red Ring.

  6. Spacemonkey Mafia says:

    Screw Attack vs. the Red Ring is a formidable question.  Both  featured in the first iteration of what remains among video games most beloved franchises.  Both from 1986.  Choosing one is choosing representation for an entire generation.
       I mean, that would be the thinking of one were sentimental about pixelated abstractions of game progress.
       If not, just choose the one that lets you leap about like a beautiful pinwheel!

    • PaganPoet says:

      The Screw Attack is a god send…an oasis in a desert of space flies, porcupines, and…whatever those annoying ceiling monsters were called that looked like they had jets…Gerutas, apparently. These fellas:

      The Red Ring? *raspberries*

    • obiwanchernobi says:

      That’s over thinking it, Its just plain old sci-fi (rad) vs fantasy (lame). NERD TROLL!

    • Girard says:

       This competition has cultivated in me a completely irrational hatred of the Screw Attack, to the point that I experience something approaching actual anger each morning when I see it has once again made the cut.

      What I guess I’m trying to say is: If you vote for Screw Attack, you are History’s Greatest Monster.

      The hardest choice for me this round was the Wabbajack vs. the RYNO. I have no first-hand experience with either, and have been consistently supporting both because they are both very silly, But now they are head to head!

      • PaganPoet says:

        You, sir…you have made a very powerful enemy today. My revenge shall come unexpectedly and unmercifully. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow…but someday.

      • Spacemonkey Mafia says:

        Being a template 80’s Nintendo kid, Metroid and Zelda remain two of my favorite game franchises.  So  I do feel a little as though this decision is implicitly asking me to decide on my preferred series.
           But that’s not really fair, since I wouldn’t call the Red Ring emblematic of the Zelda franchise.
           If it were the Claw Shot or heck, even the Blue Candle against the Varia Suit, then I’d have more angst about my decision.
           But I certainly don’t expect you to renege on your accusation of Jimmy Carter levels of malfeasance simply due to my too-extensive reasoning.
           Man, that Blue Candle.  There was Vietnam-level defoliation in Hyrule after I got that thing.

        • Girard says:

           My 80/90s Nintendo template featured MegaMan more prominently than it did Metroid, which I didn’t get into until later – so the Screw Attack’s SCREWING of ProtoMan’s shield in the first round is what raised me ire.

          What I’m basically saying here, is, if you voted for the Screw Attack, you hate MegaMan, and consequently probably hate Freedom and America and “The Troops.” Just sayin.’

        • Spacemonkey Mafia says:

          Now let’s be fair.  I do hate America, freedom, the troops, apple pie -both plain and a la mode, god, fair play, childlike wonder and money saving coupons.
             But all that’s purely incidental to my voting for the Screw Attack.

        • HobbesMkii says:

          You know what type of apple pie rocks? The kind with cheddar cheese on top.

        • PaganPoet says:

          @HobbesMkii:disqus Combining fruit and cheese in a delicious pastry? That sounds awfully…French, if you ask me. *narrows eyes suspiciously*

        • HobbesMkii says:

          @PaganPoet:disqus It’s an old New England Yankee tradition. So, given that it comes from over 300 years of White America history, you might call it the most American apple pie of all. I mean, I wouldn’t, because I don’t like to get into a patriotic pissing contest, but if I were to, my piss would be the most patriotic.

  7. caspiancomic says:

    The Luck Bobblehead is trouncing the Bandana!? I don’t even know you people anymore!

    • Merve says:

      Well, you can’t wear a bobblehead, but you can’t bobble a bandana…

      Damn, this is a tough choice.

    • The_Misanthrope says:

       Yeah, you can even wear the Luck Bobblehead!  Also, collecting the Bobbleheads was a schnook’s game anyway.  The Nuka-Cola Challenge is where it’s at!

      • Maudib says:

         That Nuka Cola challenge made me waste so many nuka colas just to get another Nuka-Grenade schematic.  Maybe it paid out in the long run, but it’s as much of an injustice as ice cold nukas being unusable with the Quantum Chemist perk.  I screwed myself out of 12 nuka cola quantums, meaning that was 36 nuka-grenades that didn’t protect me from those Super Mutant Overlords, Albino Scorpions, or wastelanders begging for purified water.

    • SisterMaryFrancis says:

      If you don’t want to vote for Bandana, then vote against the Luck Bobblehead!


      • Effigy_Power says:

        You can’t blame the Bobblehead for the Pantaloons’ bad luck…
        Wait, in this case you probably can.

    • blue vodka lemonade says:

       I thought for sure the bobblehead would be out in its first or second round, because I’d never even heard of the thing. Like, I managed to read all about Fallout 3 (though I never played it) without knowing that it even had bobbleheads. I’d at least heard of the IWHBYD skull, and thought for sure that the pantaloons would go far.

      So, Bobbleheadites, what makes the Luck Bobblehead special? Is it the wibbliness? Wobbliness? Tiny hat?

    • Girard says:

       I am genuinely baffled by the amount of support the Bobblehead has garnered.

    • Maudib says:

       The best games of Fallout involve focusing only on your luck stat.  It’s all about maximizing your random encounter events.  It was the only way to snag dog meat in Fallout 2, and Fallout is worthless without dogmeat.  Cyberdogs and robodogs just aren’t the same.

  8. LoveWaffle says:

    *(Clears throat)


  9. DjangoZ says:

    This is all just killing time till we get to Tanooki vs Wabbajack.

  10. duwease says:

    Apparently the Luck Bobblehead’s effect extends outside the influence of the Fallout universe.  Are we on the verge of a fresh and exciting new discovery of holes in the thin membranes between video-games and reality — a real-life TRON?  Or just a stupid meta-joke — a real-life TRON: Legacy?