Best Treasure Ever

Wabbajack

Final Four: The division champions collide

Wabbajack, Wabbajack, Wabbajack.

By Steve Heisler • September 20, 2012

UPDATE: Semifinal voting is now closed, so head on over to the final!

Where there were once 32, there are now only four—a third-grade math problem turned ugly by fervent clicking and commenting. But what came before was child’s play, merely intra-division shenanigans delaying the inevitable. Now comes the real test of a treasure’s mettle: the ability to destroy a relic from a completely different gaming corner. Animals will scratch at weapons. Retro artifacts will be surprised by what our Wild Card is dishing out. These match-ups are sad but inevitable, as there can be only one (arbitrary) Best Treasure Ever. So start shedding tears, then use the Wabbajack to transmogrify those tears into Daedric face lotion.

(By the way, a programming note: Voting on this round closes at 10:00 p.m. Eastern tonight, not at midnight.)

Tanooki Suit vs. The Wabbajack
Tanooki Suit, Super Mario Bros. 3
Wabbajack, Oblivion and Skyrim

Of all the clothing Mario wears in his many games, the Tanooki Suit probably covers the most of his skin. This isn’t some Raccoon Mario where he merely sprouts ears and a tail, or Fire Mario where he simply changes colors. No, this is full-on animal kingdom infiltration, only with a mustache, too—as if he’s a criminal trying to sneak by an unsuspecting police officer in a movie from the 1920s. The Tanooki Suit transforms Mario completely. It’s the Daniel Day-Lewis of the Super Mario world.

Meanwhile, the stick with the magical power of a Carrot Top prop box has soared from its No. 8 slot into the hearts of voters—its victory over the RYNO V was decisive. And it’s a relic hellbent on transformation, its ability touching not just its victims but also the game itself. For once the Wabbajack is in your possession, Elder Scrolls becomes a dangerous game of chance, not unlike Russian roulette, or eating sushi from the restaurant that also serves Chinese food and Vietnamese sandwiches.

The Tanooki Suit offers two possibilities: flight and stone-cold stillness. The Wabbajack offers infinite possibilities. I think you’ll make the right choice. (Arthur M. Gameological has made his.)

Which is the better treasure?

  • The Wabbajack (82%)
  • Tanooki Suit (18%)
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Screw Attack vs. Luck Bobblehead
Screw Attack, Metroid
Luck Bobblehead, Fallout 3

There’s very little that’s luck-based about the Screw Attack. Once it’s in tow, there’s no need for stealth, merely brute force via singeing cartwheels. Who cares if an enemy dodges away at just the right time? You’ll get him sooner or later, by virtue of the fact that you are a giant electric ball of hurt.

Nothing is more full of chance than Lady Luck, but her bobblehead equivalentcomes close. The quality of luck remains even more elusive than a fan of the PlayStation Move: The roll of a die or the serendipitous timing of an event can change your fate forever—for better, worse, or…other? Maybe we all have a predefined luck meter running above our heads, and God (a.k.a. Morgan Freeman) removes a smidge or two as He sees fit. Maybe luck is in our coffee, our water, our beer, or other liquids I see when I look around my room just now. Or maybe, just maybe, this is all the Wabbajack talking.

Which is the better treasure?

  • Luck Bobblehead (60%)
  • Screw Attack (40%)
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Write a scintillating comment

  • http://www.avclub.com/users/mattman-begins,89632 Mattman Begins

    (chokes on drink)

  • caspiancomic

     This little tournament has finally encouraged me to cast off my previously held belief that in this life time flows sensibly from cause to effect and there is a logical explanation for everything that happens. Now I see life for how it truly is: a Lynchian cross between a rubber room and a bouncy castle, populated by criminally insane aliens incapable of understanding or caring about one another.

    • ItsTheShadsy

      Just wait until Beast Mode Medal wins everything in a last-minute upset.

    • http://www.avclub.com/users/mattman-begins,89632 Mattman Begins

      Not to mention incapable of standing up, if the floor is that boing-y.

  • Bad Horse

    I’ve got Wabbajack going all the way at this point. Nothing can stop the madness.

    • Captain Internet

      Anyone voting for the Tanooki suit here is trapped in the past. 

      Let it go, guys. Move on with your lives. Embrace the present – you can do it!

    • Maudib

      Never touched an Elder Scrolls game, but anything that works like a Wand of Wonders enriches all our lives.  Long Praise the Random Numbers Generator!

  • NFET

    Screw Attack will triumph!

    • http://www.avclub.com/users/merve,96925/ Merve

      Wabbajack versus Screw Attack is going to be the match-up of the century.

      • PaganPoet

        I dunno, @Merve2:disqus …I’m rooting AND voting for Wabbajack, but I think Tanooki Suit may have the edge…

      • stakkalee

        Just wanted to update – as of 9:15AM EST it’s 64/36 Tanooki and 62/38 Screw Attack.  So at least that filthy leprechaun is losing…

        • http://www.avclub.com/users/merve,96925/ Merve

          NOOOOOOO!

        • Bad Horse

          It’s all part of Wabbajack’s master plan. Heads Wabbajack wins, tails Tanooki Suit loses.

        • http://twitter.com/Zaldir Jostein Sikkeland

          The tides are turning. The Nexus is making sure of that. ;)

        • blue vodka lemonade

           And now the Luck Bobblehead and Wabbajack are winning by a huge margin. The world is a very scary place.

          Go Wabbajack!

    • http://www.gildedgreen.com/ Girard

      I’m torn. I’ve cultivated a (well-documented at this point) hatred of the screw attack over the course of this tournament, but I’m also pretty sure the luck bobble is weaksauce and its rise to prominence is some wack-ass shit. The thought of either having a shot at the top spot makes me rankle.

      Edit: I voted Screw Attack. I don’t even know who I am anymore!

      • caspiancomic

         Most of us will spend our entire lives trying to reconcile who we thought we were with how we voted in this tournament.

        • HobbesMkii

          Not me. When the dust settles and the masses elect the Tanooki Suit and have buyer’s remorse, I plan on announcing loudly “Well, I didn’t vote for him.”

        • Cornell_University

          NOT MY POWER UP!

        • caspiancomic

           Don’t blame me! I voted for Kodos!

  • LoveWaffle

    *(Takes out Eltonbrand)

    WABBAJACK ME

    • http://www.avclub.com/users/mattman-begins,89632 Mattman Begins

      The first one’s always free.  This one’s gonna cost ya.

      • LoveWaffle

        Worth every cent.

  • PaganPoet

    WHO’S WITH ME? Chrono Trigger’s Rainbow Sword for a 4th Quarter, Dark Horse, blind side upset!? GIVE THE READERS WHAT WE WANT, GS!!!!

    • GaryX

      So it’s like Medieval Times where the real winner always dies and someone else because the champion?

      • PaganPoet

        Yes, that!!

      • http://www.gildedgreen.com/ Girard

         What are you talking about?! THOSE AREN’T SCRIPTED! THEY ARE A TRUE AGES-OLD TEST OF METTLE AGAINST METAL!
        ::Plugs ears, sings loudly to self::

        • GaryX

          Well, then the Kings should look into whatever union they use to hire advisor work because it seems they are almost always dark wizards or black knights or some shit. 

  • sirslud

    The Tanooki suit is losing, and this makes me wonder that hell has been happening. SMB3 was THE reason I wanted to get into making games, and emergent game play from items like the Wabbajack is awesome and all of that but .. I don’t get it. The Wabbajack doesn’t grant infinite possibilities, and it shouldn’t take you that long to kind of wear our its interest.

    I can appreciate the FUN of the Wabbajack, the joy of seeing a simple flip of the kill/respawn with random enemy, but the Tanookie suit was a core mechanic. Same for the screw attack, plus it working both in the oldschool sidescroller ways and in the absolutely brilliant Prime series.

    If these lose out to end-game toys or stat boosters, le sigh. This should be about what made you feel completely bad ass. I love pen and paper, and I’m kind of pissed off that two items here are essentially just fun dice roles.

    • PaganPoet

      My problem with the Tanooki Suit is that…it just doesn’t feel all that special. It’s the Racoon Leaf with the extra power of turning into a Jizo Statue, which just isn’t that appealing. I might have been more enthusiastic if they had picked Kuribo’s Shoe, for example.

      • Maudib

        You nailed it.  So many better items to choose from in that game, and they chose tanooki?

        • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000590707081 Chris Ingersoll

          Tanooki Suit was a reader-submitted entry. We have no one to blame but ourselves. (Was Kuribo’s Shoe even mentioned last Monday?)

      • zebbart

        I wanted Kuribo’s Shoe too, but it also is pretty useless. It’s just so rare and goofy and fun. As others have argued, the hammer bros suit is the seriously awesomest treasure in SMB.

        • ApesMa

          It’s VERY useful in the one level you can actually find it!

    • LoveWaffle

      The Tanooki Suit is not losing…

      But it should be

      • sirslud

        I read those bars wrong, but I stand by my claim that it’s the leaf in all but name of this contest.

    • GaryX

      Yeah, I don’t get the Wabbajack love. It’s fun for a few minutes, but Oblivion and Skyrim breaks themselves so often anyways that the kind of “fun” I had with the Wabbajack could always been replicated and overshadowed by playing with the organic idiosyncrasies of the game worlds.

      • blue vodka lemonade

         I’m a Skull of Corruption fan, myself. Watching people get murdered by their doppelganger never gets old.

  • Fluka

    Yaarrgh, Tanooki Suit!  You took down the Space Hamster, and now you’re going to take down the Wabbajack too?  

    Who *are* you people, you great silent majority of the Gameological Society?  Tanooki suit is the Nixon in this contest, and you’re once again going to let goddamn Nixon win!

    • LoveWaffle

      The Tanooki Suit is the Dane Cook of the competition.

      • GaryX

        Tanooki Suit is the Louis CK of the competition. It’s earned it’s respect.

        • http://www.avclub.com/users/merve,96925/ Merve

          Tanooki Suit is the Mitch Hedberg of the competition: addicted to heroin, full of non-sequiturs, and dead.

        • HobbesMkii

          The Tanooki Suit is the Dane Cook on Louie of this competition. We still don’t really care for it, but we’ll grudgingly admit that we might have behaved a little more poorly than we should have to it.

      • http://twitter.com/MasterPrudent Glen H

        I guess that makes the Luck Bobblehead the Carrot Top of the competition.

      • LoveWaffle

        I’m sort of loving how @GaryX:disqus , @Merve2:disqus , and @twitter-205637245:disqus have completely missed my Archer reference.

        • GaryX

          Oh I got it. I just couldn’t think of another one to fit in there, so I went a different direction.

          I got frustrated when I couldn’t work in “mancy.”

      • ApesMa

        Oh, you’ll pay for that. Reference or not, you’ll pay.

    • http://www.avclub.com/users/mattman-begins,89632 Mattman Begins

      “Always remember:  others may hate you.  But those who hate you…don’t win.  UNLESS…you hate them.  AND THEN…you destroy yourself.” – Richard Milhous Tanooki

      • Effigy_Power

        “Computers may be twice as fast as they were in 1973, but the average voter is as drunk and stupid as ever. The only one who’s changed is me. I’ve become more bitter and, let’s face it, crazy over the years. And when I’m swept into office, I’ll sell our children’s organs to zoos for meat, and I’ll go into people’s houses at night and wreck up the place! MUAHAHAHAHA”

        • George_Liquor

           Oh, expletive deleted.

        • caspiancomic

           ”Get a room!”

          “We’re in a room!”

          “Well then lose some weight.”

    • Bob McLennan

       The Tanooki Suit is going all the way, because most everything in this competition is some form of imaginative novelty, game-changing weapon, or a combination of both. And that applies to Tanooki Suit, but Tanooki Suit was so much more. To put it simply, it didn’t just change the game it was featured in, it changed how players saw an iconic video game character. I would bet that if you polled Americans between the ages of 25-35 today, you’d find that the Tanooki Suit was the number one cause of the first time those people swore out loud, because when an eight-year-old kid in 1990 was told that Mario would be able to fly in the new game, his/her only possible response was, “no fucking way!”

      • The_Misanthrope

        They also discovered simultaneously that Mario had some wierdly specific furry fetish.

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=50300736 Shawn Hudson

        But the Tanooki Suit wasn’t on the front of the box … it was the Racoon Tail. That’s what everyone was excited about. The Tanooki Suit was just some silly easter egg like the rest of these things. Stop misremembering things, old man.

      • http://www.gildedgreen.com/ Girard

         By the time anyone saw the Tanooki suit, though, they’d already become very familiar with Mario’s ability to fly using the raccoon tail. The Tanooki suit was more of a “WTF? Oh, this flies, too? And…it turns into a statue? Okaaaay…” reaction.

        “WTF” is, however, a perfectly legitimate justification for a treasure – it’s how the Wabbajack got this far.

      • Pgoodso

        Dude, you’re talking about the Raccoon Leaf! Is that what’s happening here, Tanooki/Raccoon confusion? It’s for this my poor Boo is relegated to history? BAH!

        This is exactly like the people who think they’re voting for Ronald Reagan, but are actually voting for Mitt Romney.

      • Aurora Boreanaz

        Okay, for the record…I HATED the Tanooki Suit.  I had no effing clue what the hell a tanooki was, and so it was just the Raccoon Leaf with an even stupider-looking suit attached.

    • Captain Internet

      They are the 63%.

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=50300736 Shawn Hudson

        Don’t you mean 53%?

        • Captain Internet

          *Nomenclature accurate at time of writing.

    • Staggering Stew Bum

      The people who vote for the Tanooki suit over the Wabbajack are the same sort of unimaginative folk who always vote for Sgt Peppers over Pet Sounds in those greatest album of all time polls.

      • http://www.gildedgreen.com/ Girard

         The people who vote for Wabbajack over the Tanooki suit are the same sort of insufferable folk who enjoy “wacky” Family-Guy-style non-sequitirs and describe themselves as “I’m just so random!” while actually being thoroughly, sadly predictable.

        Someone chime in with ad-hominem attacks about the Screw Attack and the Luck Bobble!

        • Effigy_Power

          You are a bitter, bitter, bitter man. You will be to blame if the GS is split into a two-nation state and the Digest Room will be split by a wall and….
          -cries bitterly-
          …so not random.

        • http://www.gildedgreen.com/ Girard

          For the record, I describe myself as “That’s so Raven!

        • Captain Internet

          “Hey, do you remember the 80s? Like, remember when there was Transformers and MASK, yeah? And, like, the music and stuff? And shoulder pads- man! I mean, I was only a kid then but I’ve seen pictures”

          That’s what the people voting for the Tanooki suit are saying, all the time, in every conversation they have, and they are far worse.

        • http://www.gildedgreen.com/ Girard

          @Captain_Internet:disqus : Let’s be honest: Us Tanooki supporters are just your garden variety perverts with slightly furry overtones and a bizarre scrotal fixation.

          (That link is probably safe for work.)

        • stakkalee

          [Tentatively clicks link, is delightfully surprised]

          The best one is when they use them as a catfish mallet!

        • Effigy_Power

          And people have the nerve to question my sexual orientation. There is your reason! Dangling and floating… and apparently… is that… does that have a face?
          -flees into the embrace of the almighty uterus-

        • Fyodor Douchetoevsky

          People who vote Screw Attack are sexy as hell.

        • Aurora Boreanaz

          @Captain_Internet:disqus  – MASK!  It’s the mighty power that can save the day!  Or, as usual the dumb kid with the robot sidekick saves the day when all the adults fuck everything up.

      • http://twitter.com/Evad_Dalrymp David Dalrymple

        I fell in love with NME after their “100 Best British Albums” featured no “Sgt. Pepper”, no “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road” and absolutely no Pink Floyd at all.

        • Aurora Boreanaz

          B-but, it DID have at least SOME Beatles on there, right?

        • http://twitter.com/Evad_Dalrymp David Dalrymple

          @AuroraBoreanaz:disqus : Oh yeah: Revolver, Rubber Soul, White Album.

        • Cornell_University

          the Arctic Monkeys have released 100 albums already?

        • http://twitter.com/Evad_Dalrymp David Dalrymple

          @Cornell_University:disqus : That issue was released one week after the Arctic Monkeys’ debut album, and it actually made the top ten.

    • Electric Dragon

      You won’t have the Tanooki suit to kick around any more.

    • Effigy_Power

       ”SOCK IT TO THEEEEEEM(?), WABBAJACK! ARROOOOO.”

      • Aurora Boreanaz

        I once was an adventurer like you, but then I took a Wabbajack to the knee…and now I’m a pile of gold coins in a bag.

    • http://twitter.com/Evad_Dalrymp David Dalrymple

      The site has been infiltrated by Furries!

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=579674289 Morgan Filbert

      Yes, but the Tanooki Suit stayed on message. And that message is, “Look at my shiny stone body”. The lurkers ate it up. It’s got real charisma from the mustache down.

      • Effigy_Power

        “Mario with charisma? My god… he could rule the universe! -arf, arf- SHUT UP, YOSHI!”

    • The_Forgotten_Quill

      I, too, am a space hamster loyalist.

      Even today, I’m still voting for the space hamster.

      This game is so much better in my head.  

      • Fluka

        *soft sobs* Sppaa-a-ace hamsteerrr… *sob*

    • Cornell_University

      Now more than ever, Tanooki’s the one.

      (ominous chants of “four more years”)

      • Cornell_University

        it was either that or transcribe the finale of Secret Honor and replace all the “Mother”s with “Bowser”

  • GaryX

    So was the Master Sword not an option because it would so clearly win?

    • sirslud

      Do not taunt the Happy Fun Heisler.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000590707081 Chris Ingersoll

       No. Because it wasn’t rare. It’s a storyline item. You have to find it.

      • GaryX

        Isn’t that the same for the Screw Attack, though? 

        • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000590707081 Chris Ingersoll

          Amazingly, no. At least not in the original Metroid (or apparently any 2D edition except Metroid Fusion). It’s strictly an offensive power-up.

  • Captain Internet

    Oh wonderful, it’s Nintendo vs. Bethesda. Clearly nothing noteworthy cropped up in gaming between 1987 and 2006.

    • http://www.avclub.com/users/merve,96925/ Merve

      Well, there was this game, released in 1994, but other than that, you’re right: those years were a dry spell for gaming.

    • caspiancomic

       E.T. hit the industry harder than I had realized.

    • HobbesMkii

      See, now, I don’t think that’s what this vote should have been about. It might have become a vote for your developer choice, but it ought to have remained strictly about what the best treasure was. Because *Wabbajack* that would have *vote Wabbajack* meant that it *seriously, Wabbajack* it was really about *Wabbajack* the game that gave people that *Wabbajackwabbajackwabbajack* warm, gooey feeling inside *their Wabbajack*.

    • http://twitter.com/Evad_Dalrymp David Dalrymple

      This poll has coalesced into a generational feud.

      • The Guilty Party

        Get offa my lawn. Also, wait, no. I’m old and I’m a Wabbajack Man.

  • The_Misanthrope

    As we await the inevitable Tanooki vs Screw Attack faceoff, let us lift a glass and propose a toast to all those poor treasures who never even made it past the first tier:

    Beast Mode Medal:  Yaks are just not as cute as hamsters.  You never had a chance.
    Death  Horse:  Don’t worry, there may yet be work for you in the Darksiders/Barbie Horse Adventure crossover I’m trying to sell.
    Pojo:  Sadly, the eternal airline-meal question–Chicken or Fish?–turned out to be your undoing. 
    Ashes of Al’Ar:  The next time you rise from your ashes, maybe you should try coming back as something that can beat the nostalgia of Gen Xers.
    Yoshi:  You call this gratitude?  You cart around that lazy plumber for at least since he was a baby and this is the thanks you get?!?  They pick some clearance item from Merlin’s Shop of Curios over you!
    Protoman’s Shield:  Someday we will know peace, when the people of the world learn to renounce the Way of the Screw Attack and embrace the Way of the Protoman’s Shield.
    Nagette Bromide:  When people figure out what you actually are (Erotic pictures of Snake-people), they may ask for a recall.
    Secret Chest:  You were perhaps too secret…
    Zodiac Spear:  As an asset in the ill-title Final Fantasy series, I’m sure you’ll do just fine.
    Clear Instruments:  Gone the way of Crystal Pepsi…
    Drake Sword:  The player goes to all the trouble of flaying Nathan Drake to forge his sun-weathered skin…what do you mean, I’ve had too much to drink?
    Frying Pan:  Always runner-up to the rolling pin in stereotypical depictions of angry housewives.
    IWHBYD Skull:  Other role was Skull #37658 in the mountain of skulls from the dystopic future in the Terminator series.
    Negative of Rebecca Chambers:  We can only hope this picture was from the never-released STARS All-Stars! basketball video game.
    The Tome:  Back to the library reshelving cart for you!
    Air Jordan XI Sneakers:  I guess not everyone wants to be like Mike…

    Regrets:  I just thought about it a day or so ago, but I really should have nominated the Sonic series’ Chaos Emerald, if only to break up some of the Nintendo heterodoxy around here.

    • Mercenary_Security_number_4

       when I was a kid, my best friend and I would play Super Mario World.  The one time we let his little brother play, he killed Yoshi in like 15 seconds.  We decided to play like we were taking it very seriously.  We put the game on pause and held an impromptu trial, where we were both the witnesses and the jury, and the little brother was the accused.  He sort of knew it was a joke, but we were 5 years older than him and I think he wasn’t quite sure what legal authority we actually had.  Finally he started to cry and his mom came in and broke it up.  But he never bothered us about playing with us again, so I consider that justice served.

      • Effigy_Power

        Now I can’t stop wondering if Little Yoshi Court has capital punishment.

      • http://twitter.com/Evad_Dalrymp David Dalrymple

        I’m not a huge fan of Dorkly Bits, but “Yoshi Hates Mario” was pretty brilliant.

    • http://www.gildedgreen.com/ Girard

      ::Pushes up glasses::
      I think adding Sonic to the mix would introduce heterodoxy (“contrary to or different from an acknowledged standard”) by breaking up the Nintendo orthodoxy (“conventionality”, “conformity to established tradition”).

      • HobbesMkii

        The word should actually be homodoxy, but the religious right has suppressed its right to exist.

        • Effigy_Power

          That’s an entirely Crusader Kings based education right there for you, folks.

      • The_Misanthrope

        That’ll teach me to use multiple syllables at 3 in the morning.

        • http://www.gildedgreen.com/ Girard

           You may have to deal with an art dork with an idiosyncratic affinity for Eastern Orthodox iconography, and who encounters the word “heterodox” more frequently than any sane or reasonable person would…

        • HobbesMkii

          I initially read this as “That’ll teach me to use 3 syllables in the morning.”

    • caspiancomic

      Poor Air Jordan XI’s. Everyone knows the series peaked early with the Air Jordan IV’s!

      Also, over the past couple of days I’ve been trying to think of what I’d nominate from Sonic if I could do it all again (frankly, it was pretty unlike me to miss the opportunity), but it’s not a very powerup heavy game. The Chaos Emeralds are only useful if you get all 7, the Shield can take one hit, temporary invincibility powerups are ten a penny, etc. Maybe one of Sonic 3′s novelty shields? The Bubble Shield let you breathe underwater, which was a huge advantage in a game with so much of the stuff and a mammal for a hero. The Lightning Shield granted a double jump, attracted nearby rings, and made you immune to certain projectiles. And the Flame Shield could send you careening into a pit or wall of spikes just off screen. Decisions…

      • http://twitter.com/Evad_Dalrymp David Dalrymple

        Froggy?

      • The_Misanthrope

        My other thought was the rather unconventional choice of “Cheat Codes” from “Most Consoles Games Before This Current Generation”.

    • blue vodka lemonade

       1) Barbie Magic Riding Club is the superior game.
      2) I voted for Ashes of Al’ar, because I like the story behind them. I think I may have been alone in that one.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=50300736 Shawn Hudson

    If the Wabbajack loses, we’re all fucked.

    • HobbesMkii

      I predict low voter turn out if the Wabbajack goes down. This will allow the Tanooki suit to cruise to an easy victory.

      • Staggering Stew Bum

        I blame the confusing voting system — somehow my vote for the Wabbajack went to Pat Buchanan!

        • HobbesMkii

          It’s these damn hanging chad ballots that Teti has devised! I dimpled Tanooki Suit, but then punched out Bubba Duck, but only the Tanooki Suit vote counted!

        • Effigy_Power

          Aww, that was my joke.
          -Wabbajack’s @Staggering_Stew_Bum:disqus, turning him into Ross Peroe-

        • Staggering Stew Bum

          *Isolates and studies @Effigy_Power:disqus to determine what nutrients she has that might be extracted for personal use.*

        • Effigy_Power

          -Listens to alien Squorgz-ball game over @Staggering_Stew_Bum:disqus’s fillings-

    • DjangoZ

      Wabbajack is losing is a clear sign of voter suppression. There can be no other explanation.

  • http://twitter.com/Evad_Dalrymp David Dalrymple

    In my experience, there’s no such thing as luck.

    Well, not exactly, but it’s not that useful. When doing my S.P.E.C.I.A.L., I always put it at “1″.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=50300736 Shawn Hudson

      Luck is awesome if you use a character that specializes in VATS mode, because a high score will more than double your critical strike potential, allowing you to just oneshot the biggest of enemies. Also, if you take the Mysterious Stranger perk, he’ll pop up a lot more often. Basically, it’s great for characters who like to skulk about and keep their hands clean. 

    • PaganPoet

      I always hate the Luck stat in any RPG because I never have been able to pinpoint wtf it does.

      • Destroy Him My Robots

        It’s the stat where hardcore players who max out everything say “around 30ish is probably decent”. I treat it with the respect of a grandson.

    • Famous_Original_Feigenbaum

      I can’t believe there are people who don’t care about crits.

      • Captain Internet

        This is why the Republicans will lose in November.

  • HobbesMkii

    Given that both Screw Attack and the Tanooki Suit are suggestions from the comments, I’d say this presents a pretty strong argument for the idea that the voters are heavily biased in favor of themselves.

    • Effigy_Power

      I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.

      Then again, Samus is in space somewhere and fuck knows where Mario is, so… I am probably okay right here.

      • http://www.avclub.com/users/merve,96925/ Merve

        To my knowledge, the Mushroom Kingdom is somewhere in South Dakota, not too far from Mount Rushmore.

        • Spacemonkey Mafia

          Having grown up in South Dakota, and being intimately aware of the dearth of entertainment options, I can confirm it most certainly was the Mushroom kingdom.

  • zebbart

    I’m tired of voting against the worse option. I’m writing in the diamond ring from Pitfall!

    • http://twitter.com/Evad_Dalrymp David Dalrymple

      How about that rat from Pitfall 2?

  • bradwestness

    How is it that the red ring is the only Zelda treasure in the bracket? I don’t even remember what the red ring did. There’s like 50 cooler Zelda items that could have been included instead.

    • George_Liquor

       Why? It’s a secret to everyone.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000590707081 Chris Ingersoll

      Red Ring reduced damage taken by 3/4 (vs. Blue Ring’s 1/2). And was completely optional, secreted somewhere in Level 9 (I think?).

  • http://twitter.com/MikoSquiz Miko the Squiz

    Aw, I missed the rest of the voting.

    *votes on this round*
    *sees results*
    *whimpers*

    If the final is Screw Attack vs. Tanuki Suit, I’m taking my ball and going home and never playing with you guys ever again.

    • PaganPoet

      We don’t even need your ball anymore, we’re too busy trading pogs over here.

      • HobbesMkii

        My slammer is a shaped like a tablesaw blade, so it ruins every pog you throw it on. Haha!

        • PaganPoet

          So does that mean you actually know how to play pogs?

          I never did. I just took them out every so often, seperated them by category (8-balls, skulls, yin-yang, cartoon characters, etc.), admired them, put them away, and then begged my parents to buy me more.

        • HobbesMkii

          @PaganPoet:disqus It’s a pretty simple game. You and your opponent stack you pogs up into large columns. You then take your slammer (which is usually metal or heavy plastic) and throw it down onto your opponent’s stack, sending pogs flying everywhere. 

          The next part is where it got tricky, and potentially violent, which is why it got banned from schools. In the standard rules, you got everyone of your opponents pogs that landed face-down. As in, for keeps. Now, your opponent also got a turn to take pogs from your stack, but that didn’t necessarily mean it was a fair trade. Like, if you had some Star Wars pogs, and he had some lame Dominoes Noid pogs (they put a lot of stupid shit on those pogs), then he had the potential to take your sweet Star Wars pogs from you, forever. 

          In retrospect, it was one of the dumbest fad games that ever existed. 

    • The Guilty Party

      The Wabbajack has Wabbajack’d the poll and is now at 80%. No worries.

  • http://www.facebook.com/republicCom87 Michael Amadaeius Pfaff

    You can choose the Tanooki suit… or you can choose whatever’s inside the mystery box!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jw7krGpeNyA 

  • Cornell_University

    The description of the Tanooki Suit somehow reminded me of Nemo the Dreammaster, and how goddamn creepy it was to put animals to sleep with candy and then CLIMB INSIDE THEM AND WEAR THEM WHILE THEY WERE STILL ALIVE.  Just wanted to share that nightmare shit with anyone that might’ve missed it.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000590707081 Chris Ingersoll

    Am I the only one voting for the Tanooki Suit as a symbolic “screw you” to Peta?

    Yeah, probably.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=50300736 Shawn Hudson

    How did the Foam Finger not make it into the Weapons Division, anyway? Probably already been discussed. I call shenanigans on this kangaroo court! Wabbajack is clearly the only treasure in this pile of trash.

  • http://twitter.com/Evad_Dalrymp David Dalrymple

    13:45 ET: In a stunning reversal of fortunes since this morning, both of the readers’ choice seeds are now trailing. I guess those older folks are just early risers.

    The Wabbajack leads the Tanooki suit by a margin of 75 to 25. It’s true, folks, with that wacky Wabbajack, you can never predict what’s happening next.

    Meanwhile, the Luck Bobblehead has stolen the lead from the Screw Attack, claiming 56% of the vote.  They say those who pray for luck are doomed to fail, but the Lady’s certainly listening today, by golly.

    Stay tuned for more updates. Remember, fellas, you’ve only got until 10 pm tonight to cast your votes. Don’t get too caught up in the “Adventures of Leslie Knope in Washington, DC” that you forget!

    • HobbesMkii

      Wabbajack appears to have bused in voters from the Skyrim Nexus, a demographic that displays a loose sympathy for the Luck Bobblehead.

      • Fluka

        It doesn’t hurt that the contest suddenly inexplicably became Wabbajack vs. Goat.  Either way, I won’t be needing this…  *Puts away her Lettuce, Lesser Soul Gem, and Yarn.*

      • Captain Internet

        Ah fuck, the Internet’s seen the poll.

        • Fluka

          THE INTERNET DEMANDS CHAOS.

    • http://twitter.com/Evad_Dalrymp David Dalrymple

      16:45 ET: Well, folks, you can probably stick a fork in this one. Wabbajack and Luck Bobblehead are up to 80% and 59%, respectively.

    • http://twitter.com/Evad_Dalrymp David Dalrymple

      19:30 ET: No major changes. I’d say that the Tanooki suit’s fate was sealed the moment that Joystick MASter bit into that sweet roll. But, then again, the Arthur Gameological Bump didn’t help the Warp Whistle. (It was already too late for the Skull and the Horse)

  • http://twitter.com/iProHunt Sam Hunt

    Retro Vs. Bethesda

  • ItsTheShadsy

    Team Wabbajack is on a roll. We can never bring Space Hamster and Bubba Duck back, but we can still exact horrible, bloody, cathartic revenge.

    This tournament is really gonna mess up my perceptions of every game on this list.

  • http://www.facebook.com/kamin.huffcutt Kamin Hrodberht Huffcutt

    Bethesda wins either way – but the Wabbajack is clearly much awesomer.

  • http://www.facebook.com/jeff.smeltherfirst Jeff Holley

    This is retardedly bias. This doesn’t reach out to any old console gamers, leaving just the modern gamers(who know not much, other then what they are told by online videos) to make there vote, which 9 times out of 10 will be the game from their generation…Now if you advertised this to all the old Mario fan’s, do you honestly think the Wabbajack would have a chance? None what so ever. Everyone played Mario… And everyone would play the old mario’s right now if they had the chance. Skyrim? I love it and all, it truly is an amazing game, but its replayability depend on extra content coming out, while Mario… that game is so damn fun you could play the same level, ten times over, and still end with a smile on your face

    • Famous_Original_Feigenbaum

      That sounds like a load of butthurt to me: the Tanooki suit has such a limited window of use it serves as a joke novelty item: Wabbajack can save your ass for the entire game if you get it early enough.

    • The Guilty Party

      Your perception of reality needs some work.

    • HobbesMkii

      So, in your opinion, the Gameological Society should had advertised this tournament on Mario fan sites, even though this tournament is paid for by a sponsor (Borderlands 2)? Does anyone else think that’s a dumb-as-bricks business model?

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=50300736 Shawn Hudson

      I know I passed the word around after seeing that both Tanooki Suit was winning early on and loads of people flew in to the rescue. I’m an older gamer – 33. I grew up playing Mario 3 and got to the point where I wouldn’t even get hit going through the entire game. That said, the Tanooki Suit isn’t really a “treasure.” It’s easily located. The Hammer Bros suit is harder to get and more rewarding to use and would’ve been a better choice, maybe. 
      Nothing beats the Wabbajack on this entire list. It’s a fantastic find that does awesome stuff. And as far as the Screw Attack vs. Luck Bobblehead – eh, they’re both kinda boring. I blame the bracket. It’s a stupid, although more exciting, way to run this. I wouldn’t let the end result carry too much weight, either way.

  • BarbleBapkins

    THIS ELECTION IS TEARING US APART!

    • Xtracurlyfries

      Hooray!

    • http://www.avclub.com/users/merve,96925/ Merve

      Just like a real election!

  • http://profile.yahoo.com/SN5RDOTFNU2JXCBL3KF5NH6J6M Torey

    THE WABBAJACK! HUH? HUH? DIDN’T SEE THAT COMIN’?

  • jixisng

     http://goo.gl/StSk8

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=16831741 Eric J. Baker

    When last I checked these polls, the Wabbajack and Lucky Idol Whatever were both far, far behind the Tanooki Suit and Screw Attack. I wonder what happened…

    • GaryX

      The rest of the internet.

      Specifically, a Skyrim forum.