Best Treasure Ever

Wabbajack

Wabbajack Of All Trades

The Best Treasure Ever is subjectively crowned.

By Steve Heisler • September 24, 2012

There could be only one. From thousands of treasures, 32 were chosen to compete for the title of Best Treasure Ever, coming from all corners of the digital globe. They all thought—nay, believed—they had a shot at eternal glory (for at least a few days). But only one had what it took. There’s no such thing as second place, this treasure told itself; only the first loser.

The Luck Bobblehead is the first loser.

The Wabbajack? The one.

How did this silly stick conquer the competition? It was madness, I tell you, and I mean that literally. In a fight, never rule out the crazy guy.

Few surprises emerged from the early match-ups. All four of the readers’ choices gracefully decimated their rivals. The more over-the-top a treasure was, the easier time it had. The symphony of the RYNO V and the “pew-pew” of the Foam Finger echoed throughout the bracket, as did the soothing notes of the Warp Whistle and the questionable silence of the Earth Harp. Surprisingly, though, the Luck Bobblehead decimated the goofier I Would Have Been Your Daddy Skull, and the early favorite Zodiac Spear lost out to the weirdest treasure of all…the Wabbajack.

The Wabbajack remained an enigma, aiming its unpredictable powers at the reliable BFG 9000 (the kind of weapon that makes cannonballs seem like finger guns) and the equally wild RYNO V. In retrospect, those guns were too straightforward. They make their effects known as soon as the player pulls the trigger. For any given swing of the Wabbajack, meanwhile, the thing might turns trolls into Kate Middletons or something else entirely—your guess is as good as mine. It looked like humor would prevailing, as it did in every episode of Entourage.

But strangely enough, the Luck Bobblehead was picking up steam. It’s a stat-boosting artifact whose effects are no more special than an extra pencil line in a Dungeons & Dragons notebook, but its allure bested that of the perpetually dancing Golden Pantaloons and the perpetually ammo-refilling Bandana. When it came time to face the Screw Attack—which, up to the semifinals, had easily spiraled through the added defenses of both Protoman’s Shield and the Red Ring, it seemed like a no-brainer: This was the Screw Attack’s race to lose.

And lose it did. Unpredictability became the focus. The Luck Bobblehead offered some vestige of control over the random vicissitudes of life, a promise that proved more alluring than the steady spin of the Screw Attack. The Wabbajack, facing off against the early favorite Tanooki Suit, emerged victorious for its ability to keep players guessing (and perhaps for its ability to theoretically turn something into a Tanooki Suit anyway).

In the end, it seemed voters wanted to witness the fruits of their investment in this tournament. While the Luck Bobblehead can certainly be a game-changer in Fallout 3, the Wabbajack is a game changer at every possible moment of its Elder Scrolls existence.

You, the readers, have chosen chaos over order, change over stasis, lunacy over pantaloonacy. And for that, we commend you. All hail the Wabbajack, and hail it quickly, before it turns itself into the Luck Bobblehead!

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1,327 Responses to “Wabbajack Of All Trades”

  1. Merve says:

    In the end, we all knew that the Wabbajack would emerge victorious. Even if it had lost, it could have transformed itself into the winner.

    • StephenM3 says:

      It’s strange, I vaguely remember this entire two-week bracket happening without the Wabbajack advancing beyond the first round. It was the Screw Attack versus the RYNO V in the finals, wasn’t it? But now I also remember the bracket as it’s recorded here on the website, and everyone’s comments, and…

      Huh. Not sure what happened. Congrats to the Wabbajack! It’s been a fun event.

    • blue vodka lemonade says:

       
      No other staff I hold so dear
      as Sheogorath gave to me

      on wintry eve in Frost-fall clear:

      the Wabbajack, my ally true

      when I was an adventurer like thee.

      With it in hand no beast held fear

      for I knew that, once set free,

      there nothing was it could not do.

    • Fluka says:

      Things could have been so much worse.  Could still be so much worse.  Those that have followed Richard Cobbett’s Random Skyrim Modding diary knows that where Riften once stood, there now lies a smoking crater.

      Behold, the dual-wielded Wabbajack spell.

      Humanity was never meant to wield the power of Sheogorath, and now we have unleashed it upon the world!

    • Or it could have transformed the winner in to cheese! CHEESE FOR EVERYONE!

  2. caspiancomic says:

    *Gazes meaningfully across the smoking, cratered hellscape that was once, in better, more innocent times, called the Gameological Society*

    *Single, all-encapsulating, all-telling tear sorrowfully runs down face*

    We were Gameologists once… and young.

    • Spacemonkey Mafia says:

      I’m eating a human femur, and I don’t even know whose!

    • Effigy_Power says:

      I am going to have ‘Nam, I mean ‘Jack flashbacks for years to come, if only to emerge at important and delicate social events like family funerals, weddings, meetings at work and with new clients… only to cause me to spout “WABBAJACK” three times, hit myself over the head with a chair-leg and pretend to be a piece of baked goods.
      You have destroyed my life, GS.

      And not even a heroes’ welcome.
      -turns in wheelchair, facing shuttered window-
      …fought for this country…

      • Electric Dragon says:

        Sounds like you’ve got a bad case of PTSD (Post Treasure Skyrim Disorder) and BPD (Borderlands Publicity Disorder).

  3. LoveWaffle says:

    Ha…

    Anyone know if 4chan got involved in this?  I remember a few years ago Gamspot did a “Best Heroes” competition, and they got Bub & Bob from Bubble Bobble to take out Master Chief in the first round.

  4. ItsTheShadsy says:

    Thanks for running this, I had a ton of fun getting irrationally worked up over an arbitrary popularity contest.

  5. SisterMaryFrancis says:

    On the postive side, the treasure I voted for won.

    On the negative side, Heisler brought up Entourage.

    Somewhere in the middle is Kate Middleton’s breasts, so I guess todays a pretty good day.

    • LoveWaffle says:

      The Wabbajack between Kate Middleton’s breasts is something I can get behind.

      Or, in front of.  Either works, really.

      • Effigy_Power says:

        I would assume it would turn her breasts into something less desirable for paparazzi to photograph. Like two drooling troll heads. That would make for a dignified coronation ceremony in a few years.

        PS: Is the consensus actually that she’s hot stuff? I thought she was decidedly lackluster. Huh… shows how out of touch I am.

        • Girard says:

          One of the necessary character traits of being a Royal is the ability to attract a baffling amount of completely unwarranted attention.

        • HobbesMkii says:

          What I’ve read seems to imply that people aren’t that taken with the quality of the headlights, but  that there is junk in the trunk, if you’d allow me the kindness of reducing a woman’s constituent parts into those of a car.

        • Merve says:

          @HobbesMkii:disqus: I think you might be mixing up Pippa and Kate.

        • Aurora Boreanaz says:

          @HobbesMkii:disqus  – If I recall, it was Kate’s sister Pippa who was getting attention for her rear.  Also unwarranted, IMHO.  “They’re wealthy and now related to royalty, they MUST be the best looking Brits in the world, right?”

        • HobbesMkii says:

          @Merve2:disqus  I’m well aware of Pippa’s prestigious posterior, I’m simply saying that, in this case, Kate’s butt has attracted higher praise than he breasts.

          @AuroraBoreanaz:disqus Frankly, any new DNA that family can get added into its genepool will make it prettier. The bar has not been set very high for members of the House of Windsor.

        • blue vodka lemonade says:

           @Merve2:disqus If you get the thong shot, Kate does not look at all shabby.

          @AuroraBoreanaz:disqus For the record, the best-looking Brit is Florance Colgate. Because science.

        • Electric Dragon says:

          @green_gin_rickey:disqus : I had to google that because I had no idea who you were talking about. I wish I hadn’t because it’s one of the most ludicrous instances of “fake science done for publicity” I think I’ve ever seen.

  6. Cornell_University says:

    /jumps on bomb, waves cowboy hat

    • Fluka says:

      Mein Sheogorath!  I CAN WALK!

      *Cue montage of the entirety of the Gameological Society being transformed into goats, trolls, sweetrolls, etc.*  

      “Weee’ll meet again, don’t know wheeere, don’t wheeeen…”

  7. (sighs)  Luck.  Luck never changes.

  8. I'm the goddamned Batman. says:

    Little boys shouldn’t summon up the forces of eternal darkness unless
    they have an adult supervising, I know, I know. But on that sunny night
    on the 5th of First Seed, I didn’t want an adult. I wanted Hermaeus Mora, the Daedra
    of knowledge, learning, gums, and varnishes. You see, I was told by a
    beautiful, large breasted man who lived under the library in my home
    town that the 5th of First Seed was Hermaeus Mora’s night. And if I
    wanted the Oghma Infinium, the book of knowledge, I had to summon him. When you’re the new king of Solitude, every bit of knowledge helps.

    Normally, you need a witches coven, or a Mages Guild, or at least matching pillow case and sheets to invoke a prince of Oblivion.
    The Man Under the Library showed me how to do it myself. He told me to
    wait until the storm was at its height before shaving the cat. I’ve
    forgotten the rest of the ceremony. It doesn’t matter.

    Someone appeared who I thought was Hermaeus Mora. The only thing
    that made me somewhat suspicious was Hermaeus Mora, from what I read,
    was a big blobby multi-eyed clawed monstrosity, and this guy looked like
    a waistcoated banker. Also, he kept calling himself Sheogorath,
    not Hermaeus Mora. Still, I was so happy to have successfully summoned
    Hermaeus Mora, these inconsistencies did not bother me. He had me do
    some things that didn’t make any sense to me (beyond the mortal scope,
    breadth, and ken, I suppose), and then his servant happily gave me
    something he called the Wabbajack. Wabbajack. Wabbajack. Wabbajack.

    Wabbajack. Wabbajack. Wabbajack.

    Wabbajack. Wabbajack. Wabbajack.

    Maybe the Wabbajack is the Book of Knowledge. Maybe I’m smarter
    because I know cats can be bats can be rats can be hats can be gnats can
    be that’s can be thises. And that doors can be boars can be snores can
    be floors can be roars can be spores can be yours can be mine. I must be
    smart, for the interconnective system is very clear to me. Then why, or
    wherefore do people keep calling me mad?

    Wabbajack. Wabbajack. Wabbajack.