Sawbuck Gamer

Transylvania Girls

Kiss Of Death

Transylvania Girls’ hero is looking for love in all the rib cages.

By Drew Toal • October 31, 2012

Paul is an unhappy guy. Art, booze, sex—all of life’s greatest pleasures—these diversions give him no satisfaction. Lacking anything better to do, Paul dedicates his remaining years to resurrecting Count Dracula. To accomplish this, he must collect the vampire’s dispersed remains from graves around England. Oh, and he needs the blood of a virgin.

Transylvania Girls requires you, as Paul, to acquire Dracula’s fangs, ashes, cape, and heart, and to meet and recruit that essential virgin (from four possibilities). Paul, what with all the grave-digging and virgin-seducing, proves the creepiest of protagonists. So this weirdo needs help in gaining the trust of these women—you buy gifts and build up stockpiles of charm, piety, cash, and respectability. Paul randomly encounters these women at such singles hotspots as church and the pub, and new conversation choices open up, depending on how suave you’ve become.

The game’s strangeness goes well beyond its premise. Paul’s dialogue reads like it was written by Jack The Ripper, and there’s all manner of anachronistic touches—Paul rides around in a carriage, but the girls all look like they belong in Leisure Suit Larry. The bizarre quest at the heart of Transylvania Girls doesn’t make for much of a game, but it’s worth a look if only for a lesson on how not to talk to girls.

Share this with your friends and enemies

Write a scintillating comment

810 Responses to “Kiss Of Death”

  1. NarcolepticPanda says:

    Hey look, Mitt Romney made a video game.

  2. Effigy_Power says:

    …all the rib cages.

    Well played, Toal, well played.

  3. Aaron Riccio says:

    I thought talking like Jack the Ripper was how you got in with the ladies. That . . . would explain a lot.

  4. Electric Dragon says:

    Well Whitby girls are hip
    I really dig the veils they wear
    And the Sunnydale girls with the way they fly
    Must be their hypnotic stare.

    The Bon Temps vampire daughters really make you feel alright
    And in Mystic Falls with the way they kiss
    They make you want just one more bite

    I wish they all could be Transylvania
    I wish they all could be Transylvania
    I wish they all could be Transylvania girls.

  5. Dunwatt says:

     Well then, where is the game that *will* teach me how to talk to girls!?!?!?

    Not that I need one.

    But where is it!?!?!?

    • Aaron Riccio says:

      Aren’t there tons of relationship simulators? I mean, Persona 4 has “social link” gameplay that does its best to remind people how to be friends with people. (The gamification of social networking . . . it’s all a game, really.)

  6. James Bunting says:

    The premise is not interesting enough to weather the gameplay itself, with is repetitive and exhausting in typical dating-sim fashion. So I have heard.

    Seriously though, you basically end up rapid-fire clicking and hoping that the random number generator favors you with a “meet the girl” event. Sometimes it just doesn’t happen.

    Kind of a bummer because I like the way it turns the convention on its head – as soon as the girl expresses a willingness to put out, the protagonist is totally done.