Mega Man 2

That’s not how it happened: 15 video game futures that didn’t come true

Fiction can be stranger than truth.

By Anthony John Agnello, Matt Gerardi, Emily Gordon, Steve Heisler, Samantha Nelson, Ryan Smith, John Teti, and Drew Toal • January 17, 2013

1. Robot uprising, Mega Man 2 (1989)

Creating a fiction based in the near future requires writers to go out on a limb—before they know it, real-world events will test their predictions. The creators of Mega Man 2 were at least clever enough to hedge their bets as they concocted a world where machines go mad. The global “industrial robot” revolt that provides the backdrop for Mega Man’s second adventure is said to take place in “200X,” giving the game a generous 10-year span in which its cybernetic dystopia could come to fruition. You can almost picture series producer Keiji Inafune crossing his fingers for the bot apocalypse as Dec. 31, 2009 rolled around. Yet robots remained pretty docile as history tested for every value of “X.” A recent 60 Minutes report on the encroaching threat of robots couldn’t come up with anything more threatening than a few squat orange warehouse helpers (although those do bear passing resemblance to Mega Man’s ubiquitous hard-hat “Met” bots). But starting with Mega Man 5, the series’ timeline shifted to the even more vague “20XX.” Can humanity hold out for another 87 years?

2. Presidential kidnapping, Bad Dudes (1988)

The year is 1988, and some shit has gone down. Ninjas have kidnapped President Ronnie (that’s Ronald Reagan for the whippersnappers), and there’s just one question: Are you a bad enough dude to rescue him from ninjas?! Only the arcade version of Bad Dudes mentions Reagan by name. Since Nintendo Of America in the 1980s was wary of anything that resembled political leanings, the NES version featured a nameless president looked more like George Bush. Regardless, as of this writing, neither Ronald Reagan or any other president has been kidnapped by ninjas—although Dennis Kucinich did insist that he saw a UFO during a presidential debate in 2005.

3. Alien invasion, The Conduit (2009)

The Mayans weren’t the only ones forecasting that 2012 would be a rough year. The Conduit predicted an invasion of Washington, D.C. by an insect-like alien race known as The Drudge. While cockroaches might be more popular than Congress right now, they’re not rampaging through the Capitol. Of course, the first sign of trouble in The Conduit is a flu-like disease spreading throughout the city, so maybe the predictions are just a few months off.

4. Cities ravaged by demolition derbies, Twisted Metal 3 (1998)

Los Angeles would have been a pretty terrible place to live in the mid-2000s according to the near future predicted by early Twisted Metal games. The City Of Angels is decimated in 2005 and 2006 by the mayhem of back-to-back demolition derbies in which 12 participants pimp out their rides with guns and gadgets in order to be the last vehicle standing. Psychopathic clowns firing missiles at your city’s infrastructure are bad enough, but L.A. suffers another big blow, from Mother Nature, in the form of “The Great Earthquake Of 2007.” It reduces the rest of the metropolis to rubble in time for Twisted Metal 3. Looking back now, traffic on Interstate 10 remained a close approximation of death in the 2000s, but it never blossomed into a car-pocalypse. On the other hand, an earthquake did indeed hit L.A. in August 2007, but it was a magnitude-4.6 temblor, a relative hiccup in Southern California.

5. North Korea goes even more rogue, Tom Clancy’s Ghost Recon 2 (2004)

It’s hard to imagine Tom Clancy himself coming up with a better foil for post-Cold War America than North Korea. In a country whose government deifies its leaders and proclaims with a straight face that it has discovered a secret unicorn lair, anything could happen. That’s why the plot of Tom Clancy’s Ghost Recon 2 seems semi-reasonable. The Xbox and GameCube editions of the game—the PlayStation 2 version is somewhat different—are set in the year 2011 and feature a rogue general who seizes control of the country’s nuclear arsenal because he’s angry about the government’s silly domestic spending in the wake of a national famine. NATO, and consequently a Ghost Recon squad of super-soldiers, are soon called in to stop the general from igniting a war with surrounding Asian countries. 2011 didn’t quite happen that way, but perhaps an asterisk should be granted because North Korea did see a big leadership change in 2011. That was the result of Kim Jong-Il’s death, though, and there’s been no military coup—yet.

6. Russian rebels threaten Western powers, Call Of Duty 4: Modern Warfare (2007)

The writers of the first Modern Warfare tried to one-up Tom Clancy with their own bit of head-spinning techno-thriller military fiction. It’s the year 2011, and Russia is embroiled in a civil war between government loyalists and a faction of ultra-nationalists bent on restoring the country to its U.S.S.R. heyday. One of the rebel commanders makes a deal with an officer in an unnamed, oil-rich Middle Eastern nation to distract the U.S. from the Russian problem. Decidedly non-wacky military hijinks ensue, including a U.S. invasion of the Middle East and a near-nuking of the Eastern Seaboard, stopped at the last minute by a plucky squad of Marines and British Special Forces. One part of the yarn did essentially come true: In Modern Warfare,, the U.S. military sends an elite unit into the Middle East to assassinate a high-profile target, fictional ultra-nationalist Khaled Al-Asad. A similar scenario took place in real-life 2011, when the target was Osama Bin Laden.

7. Hitler comes back to life, Bionic Commando (1988)

Bionic Commando was, depending on your perspective, either deeply cynical or deeply optimistic about the future. On the one hand, it predicted that just a year after its release, technology would have advanced so far that people would be able to swing around on bionic arms and revivify people that had been dead for 40 years. At the same time, the game also predicted that said technology would be employed in a modern war against a resurrected Adolf Hitler. Radd Spencer’s mission takes place in 1989—the date comes from a picture shown during the game’s closing credits—and its objective is to rescue a famous soldier from a ferocious Neo-Nazi military. It culminates in the resurrection of a burly Adolf Hitler, right before your eyes. As if that weren’t a disturbing enough, the only way to stop Hitler is to shoot him in the face with a missile. (Capcom deemed it necessary to portray the process in graphic detail.) The real 1989 was free from Nazi conquest—but also free of bionic grappling hooks. Shame.

8. Interplanetary travel is commonplace, Street Fighter 2010: The Final Fight (1990)

It’s not too difficult to follow the narrative logic from the original Street Fighter in 1987 to 1990’s Street Fighter 2010. After all, this is a world where martial artists can throw giant fireballs from their hands. The leap to Street Fighter 2010’s future of bio-engineered superhumans isn’t a big one. The bridge too far in the NES game was instead its presumption that interplanetary travel would be commonplace by 2010—and interdimensional travel on top of that. Hero Ken Masters zips between crazy plant planets and ruined-city planets just by hopping into glowing portals like they were nothing. He punches monsters and cyborgs aplenty, all the while taking for granted that he covers not just miles but light years in the blink of an eye. In actual 2010, President Obama signed the NASA Authorization Act of 2010 into law, granting our space program a measly $58 billion from 2011 through 2013. Know what NASA did with that cash money? Funded the final space shuttle launch. Street Fighter predicted interdimensional portals, and we can barely get into orbit anymore. This one’s not even close.

9. Zombie viruses ravage the planet, the president’s daughter is kidnapped, nuclear bombs detonate on U.S. soil; Resident Evil series (1996-2012)

Resident Evil started out so innocently back in 1996. Director Shinji Mikami was tasked with making a horror video game inspired by Capcom’s old NES oddity Sweet Home and he got to make a contemporary haunted house. He created a mansion full of zombies who were borne from a pharmaceutical company bent on world domination—perfect entertainment for the X-Files era. Subsequent entries in the series further developed Resident Evil’s insane otherworld timeline. In 1998, the government drops a nuclear bomb on a U.S. city (Resident Evil 3). In 2005, the president’s daughter is kidnapped by monstrous Spaniards (Resident Evil 4). In Resident Evil 6’s vision of 2013, a giant, bloody, eyeball-spewing T-rex attacks China—that one hasn’t come true, either, but the year is young.

10. Meteor impact in Nevada, Zombie Nation (1990)

Like the films Armageddon and Deep Impact, Zombie Nation predicted that an apocalyptic impact event would threaten our existence at the end of the 1900s. Nation’s Darc Seed meteor, which crashes into the Nevada desert in 1999, does more than kill Bruce Willis or guarantee president Morgan Freeman a second term, though. It turns most of the U.S. population into slavering zombies and brings the Statue Of Liberty to life, compelling Lady Liberty to do its dark (darc?) bidding. About 500 tiny meteorites hit the Earth each year, but none have possessed any major landmarks to date—although there was a possible major impact event in Nevada last year.

11. Nuclear war causes criminal uprising, Double Dragon 2: The Revenge (1988)

It’s 19XX, and there’s been some sort of nuclear war. As far as Double Dragon 2: The Revenge is concerned, though, the only place affected is New York City, which is overtaken by violence and criminal syndicates in the wake of the mushroom clouds. What does this mean for the Big Apple? Well, it looks a lot more prison-y, and all the buildings have been turned purple and yellow. One thing that’s nice about the “city overtaken by violence” future is it can explain away practically any dubious narrative premise—like why everyone wants to kill the heroes, Billy and Jimmy Lee, or why no one bats an eyelash when two karate-men fight a helicopter on a rooftop. Clearly this isn’t a future that involved the election of Rudy Giuliani. He would never have tolerated such savagery (or purple buildings).

12. Solar flare, Assassin’s Creed III (2012)

[Note: This entry contains plot details about the ending of Assassin’s Creed III.] December 21, 2012 has been a landmark date on calendars since the days of the ancient Mayans, who predicted there’d be a rebirth of sorts on this day—out with the old, in with the new. Or maybe they never could have predicted we’d be around this long. Either way, their prophesies were deemed apocalyptic in the last few years, and the doomsday “preppers” among us armed their shelters with SpaghettiOs just in case the world was about to end. Assassin’s Creed III’s take on the 12/21/12 mania involves another ancient civilization whose prophets predicted that a solar flare would erupt and wipe out 99.99 percent of the earth’s population. It’s up to Desmond Miles, the last in a long line of Assassins, to ensure humanity’s survival, one Templar neck-stab at a time. The game was released in November, leaving a brief window for players to save all of mankind in real time. But for those who waited, or who weren’t finished with the game’s 122,112 side missions before the big event, the doomsday prophesy felt like a whole lot of hot air.

13. Alien invasion, X-COM: UFO Defense (1994)

It’s common knowledge that extraterrestrials exterminated the dinosaurs to clear an evolutionary path for humanity (people generally accept the science presented on Ancient Aliens, right?). So what’s to stop them from coming back to wipe us out and continue the cycle? In the original X-COM, the alien invaders’ feelings about mammals vis-à-vis reptiles are unclear, but their hostility is unambiguous. The invasion itself is said to take place some time in 1998, and countries from around the globe contribute troops and matériel to a multinational strike force to counter the aliens. The idea that so many countries could come together in 1998 to effectively battle a common threat—like, say, global warming—now looks even more preposterous than the little green men.

14. U.S. president is a secret terrorist, Metal Gear Solid 2 (2001)

When presidents leave office, they usually have a number of post-White House options open to them. Some, like Carter or Clinton, become diplomats. Others retire to their ranch to pen bland memoirs. Still others utilize their genetic enhancements to wage a covert war against an Illuminati-esque terrorist group with which they were once allied. George Sears, the fictional 43rd president of these United States in the Metal Gear chronology, does just this several years after leaving office. Sears, a.k.a. Solidus Snake (in actuality a perfect genetic clone of a legendary mercenary leader) spends his twilight years trying to take down those that put him in power. To the best of our knowledge, George W. Bush—whose real-life administration timeline roughly coincides with that of Sears/Snake—has yet to do the same. Then again, we haven’t seen too much of the guy lately.

15. War over extraterrestrial oil substitute, Command & Conquer (1995)

The idea of “peak oil” posits that at some as-yet-undetermined point in time (sooner rather than later, it seems), the production of oil will hit a period of unwavering decline. Oil is, after all, a finite resource, and consumption continues to grow, despite interest in alternative energy sources. But maybe those alternatives are just the wrong alternatives. What if, say, a meteorite made of a super-mineral cratered Italy in 1999 and suddenly made oil’s desirability as a fuel something roughly equal to stale horse dung? Such is the reality of the Command & Conquer universe, which centers on this extraterrestrial substance, known as Tiberium. Its miraculous properties allow for all manner of technological evolution. Back in real life, we’re still pretty much relying on the same old internal combustion engines we’ve been using for the last century and a half.

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118 Responses to “That’s not how it happened: 15 video game futures that didn’t come true”

  1. Drew Toal says:

    Nice use of “karate-men,” whoever wrote that.

  2. caspiancomic says:

    Fools! You have given the Persona 3 Fanclub another reason to whitter interminably about how in January 2010 all life on Earth was not threatened by a physical manifestation of Death descending from on high, only to be thwarted by a plucky band of teenagers! Also, this game posits we are already supposed to have self-aware robots who are virtually indistinguishable from humans so long as they wear the winter uniform.

    Also, important to keep in mind: the events of Metal Gear Solid 4 take place in 2014. Just 12 months until whatever in God’s name was happening in that game finally happens!

    • Citric says:

      Yeah, but technically wasn’t everyone having a nap at that point, possibly inside a coffin? I admit I never finished the game so I may be wrong.

      Incidentally, when did the world end in SMT: Nocturne?

    • PaganPoet says:

      Persona 4 was even a little more close to home. In December 2011 (only a year ago!!!), apparently ________________ (blanked out for spoilers because I know you haven’t played P4 and want to) in a small town in Japan was almost responsible for bathing the entire word in fog and causing the corporeal world to become the same as the TV shadow world!!!

      • The Guilty Party says:

        I really would like to but all the time it takes and then you spent the afternoon canoodling with the wrong person and now you can’t get the good ending and you only have two days left anyway and AARRRGH.

        I like my games to be less stressful. Give me a meteor that is about to destroy the planet for the next year or two any day.

    • Simon Jones says:

       Or Persona 2, where in 200X….spoil spoil spoil….

      Hitler and his army of Antarctic Nazi’s invaded a small Japanese town to seize control of the secret mayan spaceship that was buried underneath the city.

      Nothing all that weird happened in Persona 1, though.

      • PaganPoet says:

        Was there a world-threatening monster in Persona 1?

        I guess that corporation’s machine that was hooked up to Maki threatened to warp the world to fit her psyche…right? It’s funny, I actually just played this game a few months ago, and I’m already hazy on the plot.

        Then there’s the Snow Queen Quest. I guess we were all saved from an ice demoness encasing the world in snow and ice?

    • HilariousNPC says:

      It’s like this site is PURPOSELY ignoring SMT games!

  3. Girard says:

    Once upon a time I was a dumb little kid:

    I had a copy of Street Fighter 2010, and thought it was really cool, if punishingly hard and kind of confusing. I had zero awareness of the actual Street Fighter series, until one day at an arcade at Geauga Lake I saw a cabinet for “Street Fighter II.” Honest to God, my internal reaction for a minute was “Hm. I guess ‘2010’ must be a sequel number instead of a year. I wonder how Capcom made 2008 different Street Fighter games between then and now…”

    • caspiancomic says:

       In fairness to your younger self, that’s actually a pretty accurate estimate of the number of Street Fighter games.

      • PaganPoet says:

        Super Hyper Turbo Street Fighter II: Arcade Limited HD Remix Ultimate Impact Edition!!!!!!!

        • djsubversive says:

          the next year: Super Hyper Turbo Street Fighter II: Arcade Limited Remix Ultimate Impact Edition Alpha.

      • Girard says:

        True, but this was in the days before Super Alpha Turbo EX HD etc. etc. Capcom hadn’t really started milking its properties in earnest – MegaMan was still only up to 3, Street Fighter was still up to 2, and the Resident Evil series was still just a glint (or 17 glints) in Capcom’s eye…

    • Bad Horse says:

      I thought there had been like 8 Mega Man games I missed when Mega Man X came out.

      • Girard says:

        My over literal mind assumed it was numbered ‘X’ because there were 5 NES games and 4 GameBoy games out when it was released, so it was the ‘tenth’ game total.

        Then MegaMan 6 came out. Then MegaMan X-2 came out. And I realized what was going on.

  4. PaganPoet says:

    Of course the obvious missing game here is Chrono Trigger. Thankfully for us, no giant alien-subterranean porcupine emerged from the bowels of the Earth in 1999 and wreaked havoc upon mankind and our three or four domed cities.

    Part of me wish it had happened, though, so everytime I step outside, I could hear the overworld theme from the wrecked future:

    “The Enertron restored your HP/MP!” *stomach growls* “But you’re still hungry…”

    • caspiancomic says:

       Chrono Trigger’s prediction for the year 2300 being a barren dust storm of hunger and fear might end up panning out, though.

      • PaganPoet says:

        I just read on the AVClub that they moved the ABC sitcom “Don’t Trust the Bitch in Apt.. 23” to late night Sunday because obviously they want it to fail.

        TV networks don’t stop canceling any show with an ounce of real humor in it, Imma lay waste to mankind myself. *filing nails*

        • Is that a permanent move? All the commercials I’ve seen have suggested that they’re airing reruns of “Don’t Trust the B” and “Happy Endings” Sundays after “Revenge” (where “999 Park Avenue” had been) and that new episodes are still running Tuesdays (though not next week because they have the two-hour premiere of “The Taste”). Sunday 10pm sitcoms sounds like broadcast suicide.

          Do I watch entirely too much TV? Possibly…

        • PaganPoet says:

          @dsanskrit:disqus Yeah, you’re right actually.

          See, they’ve moved this show around so many times, I can’t even keep track of when new episodes air anymore.

          That’s not even touching the way they’re airing all of the episodes out of order so the timeline doesn’t make any sense.

          I hope it doesn’t get canceled prematurely. Dreama Walker is cute, Krysten Ritter is amazing (RIP Jane Margolis, my sweet heroin-addicted butterfly). Also, JVDB and his effeminate assistant. <3

        • Electric Dragon says:

          They’ve already stopped doing that. Not that it matters too much as probably neither show’s current season will make it to this side of the pond before they get cancelled.

    • John Teti says:

      Does Chrono Trigger take place on Earth? I always figured that since the world map doesn’t jibe with Earth, among other huge inconsistencies, that it simply took place on the kind of fantasy alternate Earth that’s common in Japanese RPGs.

      • PaganPoet says:

        Oh, good point, mate. I didn’t even consider the fact that this is about games that took place specifically on Earth

        In that case how about Earthbound/Mother 2? I’m not sure what year 199X is, but unless X stands for some non base-10 digit, I think it’s safe to say that the year has passed and not a single group of rag-tag preteens has saved us from a malevolent alien standing in as a metaphor for abortion.

        • dimsmellofmoose says:

          Earthbound works.  Illusion of Gaia gives us an alternate history for contemporary Earth, which I always thought was kinda cool.

        • PaganPoet says:

          @dimmellofmoose:disqus I’m actually a huge Illusion of Gaia fan (other than Mu…FUCK that dungeon!!) Having played it when I was a small child and didn’t know any better, you can imagine how surprised I was in middle school to discover that the Nazca Lines and Angkor Wat were real places.

        • Girard says:

          One possible caveat with Earthbound is that unlike these, I don’t think it was meant to take place in the future, but the present (hence the 199x, not the 200x for a game that was released in ’95). It was less about “This could happen someday” and more about “This is taking place in the world/time you live in, some some fantasy past or sci-fi future.” Though I guess the same could be said of Resident Evil, maybe.

        • ItsTheShadsy says:

          Totally hearing you about Nazca Lines. I’m absolutely fascinated with them as artifacts, but my love for them is also rooted in a weird, mostly overlooked action-RPG.

        • Moonside_Malcontent says:

          One of the things that in hindsight was cool about Illusion of Gaia was that it was a weird pastiche of time periods.  Airplanes? Yup.  Corvee slavery in not-Thailand? Okay.  Sailing ships?  Medieval Knights?  Trading Guilds?  Yes please.  The only thing they were missing was a GPS for Mu.  That might’ve been useful.

        • Matt Gerardi says:

          @paraclete_pizza:disqus  nailed it. I had considered Earthbound, but as far as I could tell it’s more a bizarre representation of the (then) present than of the future. 

    • George_Liquor says:

      Half Life was supposed to have happened last decade. I’m disappointed that I’ve never read all about Sven Freeman battling headcrabs at the LHC. 

  5. Victor Prime says:

    No Chrono Trigger and no Crystalis. I wore my lead-lined underwear on October 1, 1997 for nothing!

    • Spacemonkey Mafia says:

      Oh, I wouldn’t say for nothing

    • GhaleonQ says:

      Gosh, does Crystalis take place on Earth?  I know it says “earth” in both the American and Japanese introductions, but I always thought it was an “Earth” stand-in, like Chrono’s.

      Anyway, you have to go with the original Time Pilot (original time travel game; I think the genre pioneered 20xx, too), Outrun 2019 , in which some sort of disaster renders it possible for you to drive from Sicilia to Stockholm to Antarctica, almost every S.N.K. game, or, alternatively, every A.D.K. game (which all take place on their individual Earth timelines; this means that 1 day, during World Heroes, a Hulk Hogan stand-in will beat up Jeanne D’Arc FOR THE VERY SAKE OF THE PLANET), the Strider series, in which communism gets shut down by future space ninja police with laser swords and animal wards.

      • feisto says:

        I just checked, and the Japanese intro doesn’t actually mention Earth at all (what the English translates as “earth” more closely means “the land”), so I think it’s safe to say that it doesn’t officially take place on our Earth (or any planet called Earth for that matter).

      • The reference to the Terran calendar would suggest that Crystalis takes place on Earth. Then again, there’s no indication that Mega Man takes place on Earth, either. 

        • Girard says:

          Until MegaMan 6, at least, when all the robots are ethnic stereotypes of Earth cultures!

          I think I’m willing to accept English “Crystalis” and Japanese “God Slayer: Haruka Tenkū no Sonata” as separate texts, the former taking place on Earth and the latter taking place wherever,

      • Citric says:

        All differences between earth and the Crystalis world can be explained by the giant war that somehow knocks the Earth off its axis and then mutated all the animals. That would probably change some stuff.

        • feisto says:

          That’s actually an overly literal translation. It really just means that the balance of the world was knocked off-kilter (which I guess could mutate all the animals, although I have no evidence either way).

    • Merve says:

      Completely unrelated to anything: your avatar is awesome.

  6. Citric says:

    What about October 1, 1997? It’s the END DAY. 

    We were supposed to get a giant tower in the sky!

    • Girard says:

      Though it’s not a video game, it always struck me as funny that the show Lost in Space took place in 1997, too.

      • George_Liquor says:

        Remember in 1999, when we piled a bunch of nuclear waste on the Moon and accidentally blew it out of orbit? What a crazy summer that was!

    • October 1, 1997 was the “end day” for Jerome H. Lemelson. There were plans to erect a flying tower in his memory, but it turns out that the design documents were purely theoretical.

  7. Citric says:

    Incidentally, having just watched King Kong vs. Godzilla – where a pharmaceutical company brings King Kong to Japan so he can be their mascot – I must conclude that big pharma Japan has the worst priorities.

    • ApesMa says:

      If by ‘worst’ you mean ‘most awesome’.

      I could see that happening if King Kong was actually around and available for purchase. Although with the current economy they might be outbidded by an Arabian Sheikh or Russian Oligarch.

    • HobbesMkii says:

      “Profits? Profits are for chumps. We take all our investors’ money and put it into the horrible destructive monster sector. That’s where all your future growth in business is gonna come from.”

      • Citric says:

         I’d like to think Pacific Pharmaceuticals renamed themselves Umbrella Corporation and all the zombies were just that same guy trying to think of a wacky advertising campaign.

    • Pgoodso says:

      I love how the pharmaceutical company is less interested in the magical berry that can put a 2000 ton ape to sleep and more interested in the 2000 ton ape.

    • As drugs come off patent, the pharma companies have to do something to stay competitive with the generic makers.

  8. ItsTheShadsy says:

    Don’t forget Klax. It kept insisting “It is the nineties and there is time for Klax,” but there was never time for Klax.

    • Fixda Fernback says:

      Surprisingly, in the 2000’s, however, I found quite a bit of time for Klax, as I bought a “classic collection” game for my original Xbox and my friend and I played the unholy shit outta that game.

      • Fyodor Douchetoevsky says:

        Oh, I think I had that same game, but on PS2. I played the hell out of rampart. I think we played Smash TV the most though. 


        • George_Liquor says:

           Hey, Smash TV qualifies for this list too. Then again, maybe not; it’s actually been pretty spot-on in its depiction of Future TV.

        • Fixda Fernback says:

          Haha! SSTV! Another stone-cold classic. The only reason we didn’t play that game on the collection nearly as much is because my buddy has a killer NES/SNES original cartridge collection, and so we’ve played more than our share of Super Smash TV… man, I might have to break that out soon, actually.

  9. Nudeviking says:

    The one I’m most upset about is the lack of a future filled with robots sporting luxurious manes of hair.

  10. Staggering Stew Bum says:

    I’m looking forward to 2027, when I’ll finally be able to get the augmentations that allow me to sneak in to peoples houses and move their fridge around, all while scarfing down boxes of energy bars.

    • Captain Internet says:

      I just hope that playing the game has made the 2013 19-to-20-year-old Adam Jensen want to stick with his ambition to join the Detroit Police Force

      • GaryX says:

        He didn’t play it. Some friend of his was all “Yo, Adam you should really play this game. I think it’s something you might want to see. Like now.” but he was all “eeeeh fuck that. I like FPS’s.”

      • Fluka says:

        A quick google indicates that Adam Jensen is already living in Michigan, working on his hacking skills.  No, really.  You can see his CV here.

        I really hope his nerd friends give him grief about this.

    • fieldafar says:

      Also taking down bystanders while no-one else bats an eyelid. 

      • William Miller says:

        I always liked the one early mission where if you decide not to be stealthy, you can wipe out a whole police department. Once you get through a few more missions it’s apparently all water under the bridge.

    • SamPlays says:

      But make sure you implement your augmentations in the right order. No one wants the inconvenience of hopping crates across a damp underground corridor filled with electrified sewer water. And, please clean up your goddamn apartment! There’s boxes everywhere! Hopefully they’ll make an augmentation to enhance your need to keep things tidy. 

    • Spacemonkey Mafia says:

      Yeah, but that technology comes at the cost of there only being three style of outfits available to wear on the entire planet.


    the Metal Gear series takes place in an alternate history

  12. SamPlays says:

    Weird, I don’t recall the president being a terrorist in MGS2, let alone that he was Solidus. Then again, I don’t really remember much of anything from that plot, other than something called G.W., a nuclear something-or-other and a fat guy on roller skates. Then again, I was too busy doing cartwheels, walking around under boxes and hanging off ledges to pay much attention.

    • caspiancomic says:

       The acting President, Johnson, was a hostage taken by Dead Cell. George Sears, the former president, was Solidus Snake. Sears is who Ocelot was talking to in his post-credits game changing twist ending-a-thon.

      “…Mr. President…”

      Line still sends chills down my spine.

  13. Asinus says:

    “Twenty exty six!”
    “Nineteen thirty six.”

    • Aurora Boreanaz says:

      “Hey Stinkoman!  Everyone says you’re the guy but, I wanna be the guy too!”
      “No WAY!  You’re just a kid!”

    • Fyodor Douchetoevsky says:

      Cheat Commandos… RIGGETY ROLL!

      (I know it’s not from the mega-man bit, but Homestar Runner was pretty cool, and that has been in my head for years without me knowing, apparently.)

    • I’ve missed those guys. One of the Brothers (Matt) works for Disney now, but I have no idea what the other is doing.

      • Spacemonkey Mafia says:

        Pop culture gestalt -whenever I tell my wife about watching Arrow, we both use our best Strong Bad Teen Girl Squad “Arrow’d!” impression to reference the title.
           Teen Girl Squad is the gift that keeps on giving.  

  14. I’m not so sure #14 won’t come true soon… Why else would Barry Obama try and take our guns unless he was planning world domination through a series of giant metal gears on top of an even bigger metal gear that controls the internet, I think….  Thanks a lot OBAMACARE!

    *Fires gun into the air*

    • Effigy_Power says:

      Damn, had to scroll all the way down to have my best jokes snatched up by blue boy here…
      In any case, I also thought that at least if the internet were your only source of information, “U.S. president is a secret terrorist” could still become true. After all, in order for him to be a secret terrorist, we can’t know yet, a’ight?
      Ah, damn it all to hell, O’Reilly. ^_^

      Wait… O’Reilly? The plot thickens!

      • Destroy Him My Robots says:

        Solid Snake -> FOXHOUND -> Fox News -> Bill O’Reilly

        George Sears -> is a clone -> where’s the birth certificate? -> Obama


      • Fyodor Douchetoevsky says:

        Has Obama denied that he’s actually a Cylon agent???? WELL????

        • HobbesMkii says:

          To the White House petition site! 

          *sees that they’ve upped the threshold for response to 100,000 signatures*

          Well played, No. 13. 

        • Spacemonkey Mafia says:

          No, but he did present his long-form warranty.


      • Fluka says:

        Damn it, me too!  I’m glad I scrolled down before posting “What do you MEAN #14 ISN’T TRUE?!?!?!  Tell that to Barry HUSSEIN Obama!!!!!1!!”

        The man’s enough of a nerd that I’m sure he’s privately had a chuckle about being the fifth Cylon, however.

  15. GaryX says:

    Man. The Resident Evil story line really is fucking bananas.

    So is MGS, but somehow it still works for me. Maybe it’s because it seems played less straight than RE. It’s telling about how bugfuck insane MGS2 is, though, that I had completely forgot that Solidus Snake was the US President in it.

    • caspiancomic says:

       My favourite part of the Resident Evil franchise’s insanity is how the title “Resident Evil” is decreasingly appropriate with every instalment. Capcom probably should have just licensed the name “Biohazard” for North America back in 96 and the whole thing would have made slightly more sense.

      • GaryX says:

        Resident Evil really only made any sense as a name for like the first portion of the first game. As soon as you’ve realized the Mansion is built on a giant laboratory and you have giant fucking animals about–and not to mention Hunters–it just becomes ludicrous. 

        Then by RE5 when you’re co opt battling a giant, grotesque bat-thing, you stop and wonder just how the fuck it got to this point (which, though I haven’t played it, I imagine is the continuous thought throughout RE6).

  16. Chum Joely says:

    The Modern Warfare one (#6) seems weird because it implies that “government loyalists” would somehow be opposed to ultra-nationalists who want to restore the USSR. I’m not all that knowledgeable about Russia (Girard? A little help?) but I had the impression that this was more or less what Putin wants as well… and he was already president back in 2007 when the game came out.

    • Ryan Smith says:

      Chum, I see what you’re saying and obviously Russian politics are pretty complex. I think what I meant by loyalists, was those loyal to the current regime, which I suppose would be more modern and Western. The ultra-nationalists depicted in Modern Warfare are way more extreme than even Putin would be willing to go (that we know of!)

      • HobbesMkii says:

        The Ultranationalists are also apparently military geniuses. In the world of Modern Warfare, once they’ve seized power, the Ultranationalists make Russia capable of launching a sneak attack (with land invasion) on the United States, with an almost simultaneous invasion of every NATO country. Never mind that they fail and have no clear objectives (are they there merely for punitive measures, or are they trying to occupy/annex these countries? We never learn what the deal is), the logistics of planning these invasions boggles the mind. Especially given contemporary Russia’s rather limited military might, compared to the United States.

        • GaryX says:

          I haven’t played the game, but I was told that the Russian’s plan was basically “knock out radar and then hope no one anywhere looks up until it’s too late.”

        • Effigy_Power says:

          And yet it’s still nowhere as pants-crappingly ridiculous as North Korea conquering the United States in that game that shouldn’t be named.

        • HobbesMkii says:

          @GaryX:disqus Sort of. It is very much Red Dawn in that regards (there’s even a mission referencing the Wolverines). Their US invasion works by “thwarting our early detection system.” The European invasion works by detonating a series of gas bombs in major cities (almost entirely against civilian targets, rather than the military) then attacking when the countries are in major crisis response. Surprisingly, despite opening a war on two fronts, it goes pretty much swimmingly until the player character and his squad of interchangeable hardened military men show up.

    • Moonside_Malcontent says:

      I political science-nerd sniped myself the first time I watched my roommate play CoD4 back in college.  “What?  Modern ultra-nationalists in Russia are usually monarchists or reactionaries, not communists!  Nationalism is ethnicized in Russia and has totally decoupled from Soviet doctrine!  Why would they use hammers and sickles?  THIS IS THE MOST UNREALISTIC THING ABOUT THIS GAME!”

      • Chum Joely says:

        OK, well already right there I am starting to see where I was kind of on the wrong track. Now I’ll have to go get informed or something. (kicks sulkily at tin can)

  17. William Miller says:

    Wait… you were actually able to finish “Assassins Creed III?” I loved 2, Brotherhood, and Revelations (I skipped the original and when I decided to give it a try I didn’t think it was worth finishing) but I got about half way into 3 and knew I had to call it quits.

    Edit: used the wrong form of knew/new.

    • HobbesMkii says:

      Assassin’s Creed is pretty impressive for having a trilogy in the middle of its own trilogy that outshines that same trilogy.

      • Effigy_Power says:

        Somebody pour this man a drink.

      • Fluka says:


        Yo dawg, I herd you like trilogies…

        • Destroy Him My Robots says:

          I love the idea of West Coast Customs as game developers.

          “This thing smells funny and the engine’s busted and everyone’s making fun of it.”
          “Well, how about we throw some fancy shaders at it and also I happen to know that Jamie is into light RPG elements and bowling. Let’s do this!”

  18. His_Space_Holiness says:

    Props to Zombie Nation for somehow being the most bugfuck game on this list, an impressive feat considering the presence of heavy hitters like Metal Gear Solid and Resident Evil. How “samurai battles zombies” turned into “floating head shoots up buildings” is a mystery for the ages.

  19. Matt Gerardi says:

    All the Mega Man talk this week has reminded me of my favorite set of screen caps from GameCenter CX. God damnit, do I love that show. 

  20. It’s pretty lame that I didn’t read the AC3 entry because I haven’t played it but intend to. It’s even lamer that I just got a PS3 and am working my way through the Metal Gear series so also skipped the MG2 one for fear of spoilers.

  21. belgand says:

    I’m pretty sure I’m a bad enough dude to save the president from ninja, but I’m not bad enough to needlessly attempt to pluralize plural nouns. I mean, I’m not a monster.