Murder ReportVideo

The E3 2013 Murder Report: Nintendo

Why did the so-called “Big N” even bother to show up?

By John Teti • June 13, 2013

The Murder Report tallies all the on-screen kills in the console makers’ E3 press events.

Microsoft and Sony have had their turns in the Murder Report, and now it’s time to tote up the bodies for Nintendo. In lieu of a stadium-type event this year, we got a Nintendo Direct streaming-video keynote that Nintendo sent out over its YouTubes. In terms of death, it’s a pitiful performance. If it weren’t for a “sizzle reel” of third-party games that are coming to the Wii U, Nintendo wouldn’t even have had a single gun death. Uh, can somebody call Kyoto HQ and tell them that it’s E3 week?

But do not lose hope. Thanks to the the strong efforts of Nintendo’s competitors, we still have a new record for total killings across all three press events. (In fact, Microsoft alone killed more than all three companies did in their E3 keynotes last year.) That makes E3 2013 a big win for game lovers everywhere! Here’s to even more slaughter in 2014!

Let’s give one last tip of the hat to Matt Kodner, who compiled the body counts for all of the press events this week. Thanks, Matt!

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21 Responses to “The E3 2013 Murder Report: Nintendo”

  1. NakedSnake says:

    Yaaaaaaaaaayyyy!!! I forgot this one was still outstanding. 

  2. Merve says:

    61 deaths in 41 minutes is actually 1.488 dpm (deaths per minute), so in that regard, Nintendo actually beats Sony’s measly 1.125 dpm. Of course, both pale in comparison to Microsoft’s 5.389 dpm. Jeez, it’s as if only Microsoft bothered to show up this year!

  3. The_Misanthrope says:

     Given the choice between being shot to death and being stomped to death by a stereotypical Italian plumber, I think I might prefer the former.

    • Roswulf says:

       Ah but, for the moment assuming your humanity, an Italian plumber is unlikely to jump on rather than simply overcharge you. It’s your goofy mushroom pal that should be on edge.

      I’m fascinated that Sony and Nintendo had essentially equally deaths per minute, but with Sony knocking off more than five times as many HUMANS per minute.

  4. Mercenary_Security_number_4 says:

    Everytime “Murder Report” pops up, I find myself singing it to the tune of “morning report” (the axed Lion King song that was revived to fill out the musical and give blu-rays a special feature). It kind of works:

    This is the murder report
    Gives you the long and the short
    Every grunt, roar, and snort!

  5. Sa3ad says:

    Nintendo is telling us that it’s perfectly acceptable to murder mushroom-men and blue demons, and only slightly acceptable to murder humans. This would probably be more of an issue were it not for the negligible population of Goombas in the real world, but Nintendo’s callousness toward the poor blighters is noteworthy nonetheless.

  6. DrZaloski says:

    I bet the Villager is responsible for at least half of those deaths.

    Some one needs to calm that guy down. I mean, killing a man with a gun is one thing, but killing dozens only using an axe, shovel, and bug net is just fucked up. I think we need to reassess who the real monster here is.

  7. Excel-2013 says:

    An astonishingly conservative bodycount and they’re still graded F by Greenpeace.