Murder ReportVideo

The E3 2013 Murder Report: Nintendo

Why did the so-called “Big N” even bother to show up?

By John Teti • June 13, 2013

The Murder Report tallies all the on-screen kills in the console makers’ E3 press events.

Microsoft and Sony have had their turns in the Murder Report, and now it’s time to tote up the bodies for Nintendo. In lieu of a stadium-type event this year, we got a Nintendo Direct streaming-video keynote that Nintendo sent out over its YouTubes. In terms of death, it’s a pitiful performance. If it weren’t for a “sizzle reel” of third-party games that are coming to the Wii U, Nintendo wouldn’t even have had a single gun death. Uh, can somebody call Kyoto HQ and tell them that it’s E3 week?

But do not lose hope. Thanks to the the strong efforts of Nintendo’s competitors, we still have a new record for total killings across all three press events. (In fact, Microsoft alone killed more than all three companies did in their E3 keynotes last year.) That makes E3 2013 a big win for game lovers everywhere! Here’s to even more slaughter in 2014!

Let’s give one last tip of the hat to Matt Kodner, who compiled the body counts for all of the press events this week. Thanks, Matt!

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  • NakedSnake

    Yaaaaaaaaaayyyy!!! I forgot this one was still outstanding. 

  • http://www.avclub.com/users/merve,96925/ Merve

    61 deaths in 41 minutes is actually 1.488 dpm (deaths per minute), so in that regard, Nintendo actually beats Sony’s measly 1.125 dpm. Of course, both pale in comparison to Microsoft’s 5.389 dpm. Jeez, it’s as if only Microsoft bothered to show up this year!

    • George_Liquor

      As usual, Nintendo’s a day late and a murder short.

      • HobbesMkii

         It’s like they have no valuation of the sanctity of life.

  • The_Misanthrope

     Given the choice between being shot to death and being stomped to death by a stereotypical Italian plumber, I think I might prefer the former.

    • Roswulf

       Ah but, for the moment assuming your humanity, an Italian plumber is unlikely to jump on rather than simply overcharge you. It’s your goofy mushroom pal that should be on edge.

      I’m fascinated that Sony and Nintendo had essentially equally deaths per minute, but with Sony knocking off more than five times as many HUMANS per minute.

  • Mercenary_Security_number_4

    Everytime “Murder Report” pops up, I find myself singing it to the tune of “morning report” (the axed Lion King song that was revived to fill out the musical and give blu-rays a special feature). It kind of works:


    This is the murder report
    Gives you the long and the short
    Every grunt, roar, and snort!

  • Spacemonkey Mafia
    • http://bureaupath.wordpress.com/ Bureaupath

      Hey, I’m tryin’ to eat lunch here.

      • Spacemonkey Mafia

        If you’re sitting down to eat and clicking on links with the word ‘bloodbath’ in it, I’m afraid I can’t help you.

      • Naked Man Holding A Fudgesicle

        “Do it for me, Billy. For MarioGarnigle.”

    • http://gameological.com/author/johnteti/ John Teti

      Where is this from? Did you draw that? It’s hilarious!

      • Spacemonkey Mafia

        Thanks!  It’s one of mine.

        • HobbesMkii

          Original art FTW!

  • Sa3ad

    Nintendo is telling us that it’s perfectly acceptable to murder mushroom-men and blue demons, and only slightly acceptable to murder humans. This would probably be more of an issue were it not for the negligible population of Goombas in the real world, but Nintendo’s callousness toward the poor blighters is noteworthy nonetheless.

    • Fyodor Douchetoevsky

      WOULD PEOPLE BE COMPLAINING IF IT WAS A MUSHROOM MAN KILLING A STEREOTYPICAL ITALIAN PLUMBER???????

      You all must not care about equality, like I do.

      • http://whatistheexcel.com/ Excel-2013

         That actually happens far more often than anyone’s willing to admit.

    • http://twitter.com/Evad_Dalrymp Unexpected Dave

      It’s kill or be killed, man. Like us and the beaver. One shall stand; one shall fall. 

  • DrZaloski

    I bet the Villager is responsible for at least half of those deaths.

    Some one needs to calm that guy down. I mean, killing a man with a gun is one thing, but killing dozens only using an axe, shovel, and bug net is just fucked up. I think we need to reassess who the real monster here is.

    • http://whatistheexcel.com/ Excel-2013

      And all with an unceasing smile on his face, like he thinks he’s Patrick Bateman or something.

  • http://whatistheexcel.com/ Excel-2013

    An astonishingly conservative bodycount and they’re still graded F by Greenpeace.