Murder ReportVideo

The E3 2013 Murder Report: Sony

Sony proves to be an equal-opportunity killer.

By John Teti • June 12, 2013

The Murder Report tallies all the on-screen kills in the console makers’ E3 press events.

Microsoft threw down the gauntlet in the first round of this year’s Murder Report, and while Sony doesn’t even come close to matching the Xbox event’s body count, their E3 press event still makes a strong showing. One statistic of note is the near-identical figures for the PlayStation press conference’s human and non-human kills. Nice to see Sony spreading the love!

A tip of the hat once again to Matt Kodner for dissecting the video evidence, frame by deathly frame. Tomorrow: Nintendo wraps up this year’s Murder Report.

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  • Cloks

    Are you counting the part where they murdered the Xbone?

    Boom, roasted.

    • Http Lovecraft

      Another brutal PS4 vs. XBone E3 presentation video edit:

      (warning: this is double extra brutal if you were ever suffered with speech issues… seriously consider not watching)

      • Chum Joely

        Speaking of speech issues, apparently there is an app called “Speech Jammer” whose main purpose is to make you stutter like a freak:

        So, that exists.

      • NakedSnake

        Not to get too down-in-the-weeds about the Xbone / PS4 comparisons, but it suddenly occurred to me what a big deal it is that the Xbone allows you to lend digital copies of games to friends. With all the kerfuffle about the forced obsolescence of disk-based games, I totally overlooked that this is actually a revolutionary step in regards to digital rights.

        • Sleverin

           I haven’t heard about this.  Sounds pretty interesting, since everyone is so hard on MS for the whole DRM thing.  How is this supposed to work exactly?

  • The_Misanthrope

    I had forgotten how good Teti was at that schmoozy, condescending voice.  Perhaps he has a side-job as the on-hold message guy:  “Thank for waiting on hold.  Your call is very important to us.  Please stay on the line for the next available customer service representative.”

    (The worst is when you get stuck in call-center limbo listening to that message and inane hold-music for what seems like forever.  You contemplate hanging up and calling again.  Then again, maybe if you wait just a little longer, they’ll pick up.)

    • Fluka

      It reminds me of Jon Blyth’s OXM Breakdown voice.

    • caspiancomic

       ”Seventy of those deaths came by gunfire! Kapow!” = pupils turn into little hearts.

      • Aurora Boreanaz

        “And death #48 was just looking for the nearest Urban Outfitters!” = ROFL!

    • DrFlimFlam

      I work in customer service and often have to hear that while calling other internal departments. It’s enough to drive a man insane.

    • George_Liquor

      He’d make a good Mr. Moviefone. 

      • Http Lovecraft

        Drive Angry, 3D, Rated ARGHHH

  • Citric

    There should be a gaming equivalent of Dogme 95, where developers work under restrictions to attempt to revitalize the art. I shall start with restriction #1:

    1-No guns.

    Please feel free to add your own.

    • GaryX

      Eh, I don’t think “no guns” is something that’s strict enough unless you’re saying it also has to be AAA. Because there’s plenty of non AAA guns that don’t involve guns.

      • Citric

        True, but considering how I was constantly wishing for a game with no guns, and no such game came to pass, even with ample opportunity to go gunless, it’s apparently quite difficult for many developers.

        It’s not even that I hate guns, I’ve just shot so many people, I want to do something else.

        Restriction #2 could be it must have high end graphics, let’s brainstorm!

        • George_Liquor

          Isn’t forcing high-end graphics kinda antithetical to the spirit of Dogme?

        • Http Lovecraft

          I would say kinda the same, kinda the inverse, for rule #2:

          Don’t cheap out with ‘retro’/8-bit graphics.
          And I say that as somebody who likes retro graphics!  We get it, you had an NES.

        • Citric

          @George_Liquor:disqus  You’re right, but I was starting with what we see too much of in bigger titles, and thinking the restrictions should take away the most obvious building blocks, in order to force something different.

      •,96925/ Merve

        “Because there’s plenty of non AAA guns that don’t involve guns.”

        This is the most sad but true Freudian slip ever.

        • GaryX

          Yeah, just gonna leave it.

    • HobbesMkii

       What if I don’t really have a gun, per se, but I have an item that turns objects in my environment into bullet, using physics. I call it the gravity gu–DAMMIT!

    •,96925/ Merve

      No guns? Got it.

      *creates generic Tolkien fantasy rip-off*

      • Citric

        How to get around that?

        #3: No wizards.
        Because all generic Tolkien fantasy rip-offs have wizards.

        •,96925/ Merve

          No wizards? Got it.

          *main character is a warlock, because that’s totally different*

        • neodocT

          No swords!

    • OrangeLazarus

      2. Set in the real world (nothing paranormal)
      3. No NES/SNES-style pixel graphics
      4. No chiptunes
      5. There can be death but you can’t murder
      6. No good vs. evil
      7. In-game characters can’t refer to game mechanics like what button to press or how to save
      8. No HUD (maybe not)

      • His_Space_Holiness

        So, Heavy Rain?

        • OrangeLazarus

          There are guns in Heavy Rain. There’s a fucking shooting spree in Heavy Rain. And one of your characters is a murderer and your other characters can become murderers.

          I suppose Heavy Rain is pretty close to all my rules. I guess I have to add more rules because I hate Heavy Rain.

      • His_Space_Holiness

        I’m just joshin’. I’ve never played it myself, but it was the closest thing I could think of to fitting those rules while also being amusingly bad.

        • OrangeLazarus

          I wasn’t mad at you. I figured that was what your comment was going for. Heavy Rain just makes me so angry. It is held up to be an amazing leap forward in video game storytelling but it is so dumb. And I was being profane because the shooting scene is fucking ridiculous.

    • OrangeLazarus

      Here’s one someone did back in 2001. I stole a few of the rules I posted from it.

    • KidvanDanzig

      I made a game for you, it’s called Dragon Age

    • neodocT

      2 – No killing
      3 – No setpieces
      4 – No cutscenes
      5 – No cutscenes disguised by quick-time events (I’m not against quick-time events, as long as the game changes according to the result of your success with the event)
      6 – Players must have choices
      7 – Choices must have consequences
      8 – No health bars, energy bars, stats or any metaphorical representation of the character’s status
      9 – Everything that can be used for interaction in the game world must have a use (no collecting for the sake of collecting)
      10 – No menus!

      I should probably work on this some more, but this will do for now.

      • Annabelle

        So Portal?

        • neodocT

          Haha, that was completely inadvertent, but yeah!

        • Colliewest

          Love Portal, but you never have a choice.

  • CNightwing

    I still can’t get these videos to work on Chrome on Win7, what am I doing wrong :(

    • Http Lovecraft

      Not sure, I am running the exact same setup.  Graphics card drivers?

    • Penis Van Lesbian

      Intermittent for me – I can generally get them to play by right-clicking and selecting “open video in new tab”.

  •,96925/ Merve

    135 deaths in 120 minutes is 1.125 dpm (deaths per minute). Compared to Microsoft’s 5.389, Sony is really not pulling their weight.

    • Roswulf

      True, although there is a certain poetry in Sony’s mirroring of the real-world global murder rates (also, as you noted yesterday, around a death per minute). The PS4 brings unrivaled realism to your living room!

      Admittedly the world is notably larger than even the most cavernous E3 venues.

  • N1GGAZ

    This shit is Hilarious. We need more of this for society psychology stuff. How about how in real life Murder is more abhorrent than Rape but in video game world Rape is unacceptable in any capacity but there are a thousand an one ways to Murder someone. 

    •,96925/ Merve

      Leaving aside the fact that this is a goofy video not meant to be taken seriously, let me break it down for you:

      Murder: usually brief and may be justifiable
      Rape: not brief and never justifiable

      There are very few rape video games for the same reason that there are very few torture video games: that shit would be profoundly fucked up.

      • Fyodor Douchetoevsky

        Look at his fucking username.

      • N1GGAZ

        your reasons are totally stupid. Murder is sometimes not brief and rape is sometimes brief. In the real world you would get much more time in jail for murder than rape. And according to the laws of men shouldn’t that apply to video games?

        •,96925/ Merve

          When you can rape someone at a distance with a gun, let me know.

      • George_Liquor

        I hate feeding trolls, but we’re conflating murder with homicide here. At least under US law, murder is a crime no more legally justifiable than rape. If I kill someone in self-defense, I’ve still committed homicide.  If I kill someone with malicious intent, I’ve committed homicide and I’m guilty of the crime of murder.

        •,96925/ Merve

          Good point, which actually reinforces what I’m saying, because games usually feature lots of homicide, but arguably, very little murder.

      • George_Liquor

        Oh my God, he’s gone! Was it… Muuuuuurder?!

      • JamesJournal

        Remember when the ’24′ video game didn’t let you torture anyone … lame

  • Toparaman

    My prediction for Nintendo: 12.  And most of them will be Goombas, those poor bastards.