Murder ReportVideo

The E3 2013 Murder Report: Microsoft

Microsoft gets out to a strong start in our annual tally of death.

By John Teti • June 11, 2013

The Murder Report tallies all the on-screen kills in the console makers’ E3 press events.

Why do we always argue about who “won” E3? The answer is obvious: Whoever killed the most. That’s why, for the second year, we’re tallying every death we can spot in the game demos of the console makers’ E3 press events. It’s the Murder Report!

Microsoft gets out to a remarkably strong start this year, with a number that will be hard to beat. The Xbox team gets a big boost from the zombie-slashing game Dead Rising 3, which contributes an estimated 183 non-human deaths—including 35 zombies killed by way of Xbox SmartGlass. Is there anything that marvelous technology can’t do? The superstar in terms of human murder is Ryse: Son Of Rome, the classical war epic where lowly infantrymen practically leap onto your blade! More than six dozen mortals met their end in the Ryse demo, and you can be sure they all had it coming.

Props to Matt Kodner for doing the research this year and poring over video footage until he was practically cross-eyed. Stay tuned for the Sony and Nintendo Murder Reports in the coming days.

Share this with your friends and enemies

Write a scintillating comment

  • http://twitter.com/vowelsagogo Kilzor

    Microsoft will not be winning the Burn Report, sadly.

  • http://www.twitter.com/wixostrix WixosTrix

    Who won last year?

    • Spacemonkey Mafia

      I’d like to say we all did.

    • Electric Dragon

      But in another, more accurate way, Microsoft did. Plus they have raised the bar considerably this year, more than tripling last year’s score.

  • http://www.avclub.com/users/merve,96925/ Merve

    485 deaths in 90 minutes comes out to approximately 5.4 deaths per minute (dpm). For comparison, one person is murdered every minute on the entirety of planet Earth.

    • Naked Man Holding A Fudgesicle

      Only one murder per minute?!? There are 7 billion of us. Come on, it’s like we’re not even trying.

      • HobbesMkii

        If you want it to go up, stop having sex.

        • Citric

          Are you suggesting he is so good at sex that it makes murder rates go down?

        • HobbesMkii

          @Citric:disqus No, I had a misunderstanding of how the rate of replacement would effect murder rates. I failed math back in school.

          And I’m really tired.

        • Citric

          I like my version better.

      • aklab

        Waitaminit, so the more sex I have the fewer people get killed? 

        …what about solo? That probably makes sense. 

        • Cheese

          Well, each sperm counts as a half-person, so basically you’re history’s greatest monster.

    • CNightwing

      I wonder what the highest rate of death we’ve achieved is historically, using conventional weapons alone.

      • Roswulf

         This isn’t QUITE what you asked for, but it appears that World War II killed around 19 people a minute. So as bad as Microsoft’s presentation was, it was only a quarter as murderous as World War II.

        • DrKumAndGo

          XBox One
          Only 1/4 as bad as world war 2!

        • DrFlimFlam

          What is it with these people and math today? Only FOUR TIMES as bad as WWII would be accurate.

        • George_Liquor

          XBox One

          We’re four times badder than World War II!

      • NakedSnake

        I’ve always been impressed by the death toll of some of the ancient battles like the Battle of Cannae where 80K Romans were killed in a day. Pretty brutal for swords.

      • James Shuman

        umm…The Holocaust mean anything to you?

    • Phillip Collector

       Yeah but if their a Scientologist they’ll respawn.

  • Roswulf

    It felt like more.

    *shudder*

  • Citric

    OSHA’s report on that boat is going to be very scathing.

  • PugsMalone

    I think that Microsoft was the murder victim here.

    • Electric Dragon

      Sony, in the conference hall, with the parallelepiped.

  • The_Helmaroc_King

    Speaking of E3, who wants to talk about murders?

    (Children: Yaaayyy!)

    • PaganPoet

      I love this and you and this

      • The_Helmaroc_King

        Everything I know about Persona, I learned from Hiimdaisy and the fine commentors on this site.

        • vinnybushes

          Persona 4 was on my radar for a while, but I’m pretty sure I ordered it shortly after reading that comic.

  • CNightwing

    And here I thought you were going to talk about Sony vs. Microsoft again.

  • Aurora Boreanaz

    Twynty-Thyrtyyn ys the ryse of the Ys!  Ryse, Katy Pyrry’s Vytamyn “LYFE!”, ytcytyra.

  • Cloks

    A snarky approach to video-game violence that makes a reference to Babylon 5? Nerds.

    • Spacemonkey Mafia

      That’s it.  You’re getting murdered.

      • Cloks

        You get murdered and you get murdered! We’re all getting murdered!

        • HobbesMkii

          Everyone look under your seats! That’s right, murder for everyone!

        • Nudeviking

          Unless you’re a woman…then you just get subjected to horrible, horrible rape “jokes.”

        • Fyodor Douchetoevsky

          Um, I don’t really get the need for scare quotes around “joke” there, @Nudeviking:disqus . 

          But on the topic of murder, I am reminded of a quote from the venerable Brad Neely: 

          “the club got strict: you had to love evil and not be shy about using Murder Spells, or else you’d be murdered. And your parents were some of the people who decided not to kill for fun.”

          Videogames are Voldemart, is what i’m getting at, I guess.

  • Spacemonkey Mafia

    “And who by Fire, who by Water?
         Who by hand-to-hand melee, who by heavy artillery?
         Who by falling, flaming jet plane?
          And where shall I say they’ll be re-spawning?”

  • HobbesMkii

    Let’s not forget those two bozos, including Jason Jones (but not THAT Jason Jones), who straight up murdered that demo for Destiny with their banter.

    • Citric

      I liked that Sony’s awkward sexual moment was just a lead up to some nice consensual gay sex. He looked at his long gun, and got behind him.

      • vinnybushes

         It didn’t help that there were alien ships knocking over extremely phallic towers.

    • George_Liquor

      It must suck to go through life known only as Not That Jason Jones. 

      • HobbesMkii

        I wanted Samantha Bee’s husband, dammit!

        • Citric

          I hope that they have a son called Eric. Because then he would be Eric, the half a Bee.

  • http://gameological.com/author/derricksanskrit/ Derrick Sanskrit

    That’s more murders in one press event this year than in all three combined last year. Way to raise the bar, Microsoft!

    • George_Liquor

      At over 14 gigamurders per second, the Xbox One sets a new standard in high-performance digital dispatching!

  • mizerock

    So how much nudity?

    • Effigy_Power

      Precious little. The new Metal Gear Solid had its bikini’ed lady-sniper, but otherwise at least the gratuitous nudity wasn’t really a factor. Both held back on that.

  • ATBro

    Does killing a zombie count as a death?  It is already dead.

    If yes, is it a human death?

    • http://tmaiblog.wordpress.com/ Chalkdust

       This got brought up in one of the live chats, but zombie deaths count for a single non-human death.

  • PhilWal0

    So glad to see this feature return.

  • http://tmaiblog.wordpress.com/ Chalkdust

    The best part was when the guy was murdered!

  • James Shuman

    Why are people killing themselves over a console? You’ll go to hell because of something that has no significance in the real world…

  • Dunwatt

     Chalk one up for Gameological.  Teti’s delivery on Death #95 murdered me.

  • http://www.lightsinthedarkness.com/ Mike

    Ok, but that sliding jetfighter kill was a highlight of the Battlefield footage.

  • fightclubdoll

    Does MS get bonus points for shooting themselves in the foot?

  • DrZaloski

    Wow, we are a fucking xenophobic people. Give aliens a break, before they become the next Russians.

    I’m guessing Microsoft can put this trophy in the trophy case; along with the “Tasteless, Unexpected Rape Joke of E3 2013″ trophy.