Murder ReportVideo

The E3 2013 Murder Report: Microsoft

Microsoft gets out to a strong start in our annual tally of death.

By John Teti • June 11, 2013

The Murder Report tallies all the on-screen kills in the console makers’ E3 press events.

Why do we always argue about who “won” E3? The answer is obvious: Whoever killed the most. That’s why, for the second year, we’re tallying every death we can spot in the game demos of the console makers’ E3 press events. It’s the Murder Report!

Microsoft gets out to a remarkably strong start this year, with a number that will be hard to beat. The Xbox team gets a big boost from the zombie-slashing game Dead Rising 3, which contributes an estimated 183 non-human deaths—including 35 zombies killed by way of Xbox SmartGlass. Is there anything that marvelous technology can’t do? The superstar in terms of human murder is Ryse: Son Of Rome, the classical war epic where lowly infantrymen practically leap onto your blade! More than six dozen mortals met their end in the Ryse demo, and you can be sure they all had it coming.

Props to Matt Kodner for doing the research this year and poring over video footage until he was practically cross-eyed. Stay tuned for the Sony and Nintendo Murder Reports in the coming days.

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56 Responses to “The E3 2013 Murder Report: Microsoft”

  1. Kilzor says:

    Microsoft will not be winning the Burn Report, sadly.

  2. WixosTrix says:

    Who won last year?

    • Spacemonkey Mafia says:

      I’d like to say we all did.

    • Electric Dragon says:

      But in another, more accurate way, Microsoft did. Plus they have raised the bar considerably this year, more than tripling last year’s score.

  3. Merve says:

    485 deaths in 90 minutes comes out to approximately 5.4 deaths per minute (dpm). For comparison, one person is murdered every minute on the entirety of planet Earth.

    • Naked Man Holding A Fudgesicle says:

      Only one murder per minute?!? There are 7 billion of us. Come on, it’s like we’re not even trying.

    • CNightwing says:

      I wonder what the highest rate of death we’ve achieved is historically, using conventional weapons alone.

      • Roswulf says:

         This isn’t QUITE what you asked for, but it appears that World War II killed around 19 people a minute. So as bad as Microsoft’s presentation was, it was only a quarter as murderous as World War II.

      • NakedSnake says:

        I’ve always been impressed by the death toll of some of the ancient battles like the Battle of Cannae where 80K Romans were killed in a day. Pretty brutal for swords.

      • James Shuman says:

        umm…The Holocaust mean anything to you?

    • Phillip Collector says:

       Yeah but if their a Scientologist they’ll respawn.

  4. Roswulf says:

    It felt like more.


  5. Citric says:

    OSHA’s report on that boat is going to be very scathing.

  6. PugsMalone says:

    I think that Microsoft was the murder victim here.

  7. The_Helmaroc_King says:

    Speaking of E3, who wants to talk about murders?

    (Children: Yaaayyy!)

  8. CNightwing says:

    And here I thought you were going to talk about Sony vs. Microsoft again.

  9. Aurora Boreanaz says:

    Twynty-Thyrtyyn ys the ryse of the Ys!  Ryse, Katy Pyrry’s Vytamyn “LYFE!”, ytcytyra.

  10. Cloks says:

    A snarky approach to video-game violence that makes a reference to Babylon 5? Nerds.

    • Spacemonkey Mafia says:

      That’s it.  You’re getting murdered.

      • Cloks says:

        You get murdered and you get murdered! We’re all getting murdered!

        • HobbesMkii says:

          Everyone look under your seats! That’s right, murder for everyone!

        • Nudeviking says:

          Unless you’re a woman…then you just get subjected to horrible, horrible rape “jokes.”

        • Fyodor Douchetoevsky says:

          Um, I don’t really get the need for scare quotes around “joke” there, @Nudeviking:disqus . 

          But on the topic of murder, I am reminded of a quote from the venerable Brad Neely: 

          “the club got strict: you had to love evil and not be shy about using Murder Spells, or else you’d be murdered. And your parents were some of the people who decided not to kill for fun.”

          Videogames are Voldemart, is what i’m getting at, I guess.

  11. Spacemonkey Mafia says:

    “And who by Fire, who by Water?
         Who by hand-to-hand melee, who by heavy artillery?
         Who by falling, flaming jet plane?
          And where shall I say they’ll be re-spawning?”

  12. HobbesMkii says:

    Let’s not forget those two bozos, including Jason Jones (but not THAT Jason Jones), who straight up murdered that demo for Destiny with their banter.

    • Citric says:

      I liked that Sony’s awkward sexual moment was just a lead up to some nice consensual gay sex. He looked at his long gun, and got behind him.

      • vinnybushes says:

         It didn’t help that there were alien ships knocking over extremely phallic towers.

    • George_Liquor says:

      It must suck to go through life known only as Not That Jason Jones. 

  13. That’s more murders in one press event this year than in all three combined last year. Way to raise the bar, Microsoft!

    • George_Liquor says:

      At over 14 gigamurders per second, the Xbox One sets a new standard in high-performance digital dispatching!

  14. mizerock says:

    So how much nudity?

    • Effigy_Power says:

      Precious little. The new Metal Gear Solid had its bikini’ed lady-sniper, but otherwise at least the gratuitous nudity wasn’t really a factor. Both held back on that.

  15. ATBro says:

    Does killing a zombie count as a death?  It is already dead.

    If yes, is it a human death?

  16. PhilWal0 says:

    So glad to see this feature return.

  17. Chalkdust says:

    The best part was when the guy was murdered!

  18. James Shuman says:

    Why are people killing themselves over a console? You’ll go to hell because of something that has no significance in the real world…

  19. Dunwatt says:

     Chalk one up for Gameological.  Teti’s delivery on Death #95 murdered me.

  20. Mike says:

    Ok, but that sliding jetfighter kill was a highlight of the Battlefield footage.

  21. fightclubdoll says:

    Does MS get bonus points for shooting themselves in the foot?

  22. DrZaloski says:

    Wow, we are a fucking xenophobic people. Give aliens a break, before they become the next Russians.

    I’m guessing Microsoft can put this trophy in the trophy case; along with the “Tasteless, Unexpected Rape Joke of E3 2013” trophy.