News Item

Trailer reveals new details about Grand Theft Auto V’s tennis mode, other things

By John Teti • July 9, 2013

There’s a question that comes up more than any other in the Gameological feedback bin: “When is the Grand Theft Auto series going to feature tennis?” Now, thanks to a new trailer released by Rockstar today (seen above), we can definitively answer, “Probably soon, as long as they don’t take it out before the game is released.”

The Grand Theft Auto series has long been regarded as a middle-tier entry in the gaming echelon, held back from the upper reaches of critical regard by its lack of tennis. The country-club furor over GTA reached its height in 2005. A report in Women’s Wear Daily fueled rumors that Grand Theft Auto IV would feature a Nico Bellic dream-sequence mission in which Nico wins the finals at Wimbledon. But the sequence was ultimately cut from the game in favor of a mission where you shoot guys and then drive away really fast—like, REALLY fast.

In 2006, Rockstar even acknowledged the fans’ longtime pleas for a tennis mode, in the studio’s trademark fuck-the-world manner, by releasing Rockstar Games Presents Table Tennis. Intended as a winking joke, the ploy “backfired” on Rockstar, as Table Tennis went on to become the best-selling video game in world history, surpassing that game where you play as the red spot in the 7-Up soda logo.

When Grand Theft Auto V screenshots surfaced earlier this year depicting players on a tennis court, it was assumed to be another Rockstar tease. “It’ll probably just end up being a mission where you shoot all the people on the tennis court,” said Michael Pachter, the perennially quotable industry analyst. He later called back to add, “Oh, and then you’ll drive away really fast. I’m talking SO fast.” But Pachter’s gift for prognostication appears to have betrayed him, because this new trailer features Actual Gameplay Footage Of Gameplay in which two people play tennis.

The footage in question runs from 3:26 to 3:26-and-a-half in the above trailer. It depicts two people on a tennis court that appears to be a hard-surface court, although I hasten to add this is unconfirmed as of yet. (The Gameological Society has multiple calls in to Rockstar.) The man in the clip uses a tennis racket to hit what appears to be a tennis ball (unconfirmed) over a net to the opposite side of the court, as is the custom in tennis.

There are countless pieces of subtext to draw out of the trailer, discernible only to the expert video game commentators on the Gameological staff. The two players are named “Michael” and “Jordan” (confirmed), possibly hinting at a heretofore-unseen basketball mode, as if anybody could ever want that. Also, the tennis clip is followed by a clip of people riding bicycles. Does this mean that you’ll be able to play tennis while riding bicycles? Yes.

Other features are also mentioned in the trailer.

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  • Zack Handlen

    Hey, the trailer’s almost five minutes long! That’s, like, about a tenth of the time I’ll probably play the game before getting bogged down in all the features I neither understand nor want and giving up for a month, only to come back later with some vague sense of obligation, realize I have to start from the beginning because I’ve forgotten everything, and play another hour or so before the cycle begins anew.

    • DrFlimFlam

      I’ve been playing GTA4 on my third attempt to do so, and I’ve just ignored all “social” obligations. I don’t care about them, Rockstar, leave me alone. I just want to play the game, not the myriad games within the game.

      • SamPlays

        I completely dismissed San Andreas because there was just too much to focus on. It was more like a thug simulator than anything else. When I have to eat, go to the gym, shop for clothes, get a haircut… it was too much mundane reality to be fun. Plus, I’m not sure I ever got a good handle on tagging walls with spray cans so I kind of gave up there (which was fairly early in the game).

        • mizerock

          See, those tasks make the game feel strangely “real” to me. They overlapped enough with the OCD parts of my brain that I felt compelled to keep doing them, and I was genuinely pleased whenever I found a new spot to tag, or reached a new workout milestone. But whatever was going on in GTAIV, now THAT was too mundane for me, there was no overlap at all with my desire to get buried in a game. I kept waiting for the fun part to start. If San Andreas was where it went wrong for you, then I’m curious to hear if GTAIV was better or worse for you. Or did you never bother to give it a try?

        • Baramos x

           The way to do San Andreas is to spend about half an hour getting your guy buff as soon as it’s possible, and then ignore it completely, because every time you save the game it resets your need to eat or whatever. It may come up once or twice in a play through, but overall is completely ignorable if you realize this.

        • Arran

          This is why it’s totally okay to use cheats in that game. Use them to take care of all the stupid shit like eating and working out, and get on with the actual game.

        • http://www.facebook.com/unspeakable.axe.3 Unspeakable Axe

           You played that game wrong.  Well, weirdly, anyway.  The beauty of San Andreas was that you could do whatever you wanted and ignore practically everything you didn’t care about – almost none of the mundane reality was important after the first hour or so of the game, unless you felt like indulging in it; and most of it just amounted to entirely-optional character customization.

          I will admit though that eating was annoying, until I figured out the workaround.

        • SamPlays

          @mizerock:disqus Contrary to what seems like popular opinion in this neck of the Internet, overall I really enjoyed GTAIV. I feel like I missed the boat with San Andreas, which is unfortunate because I think black culture and the historical/sociopolitical issues that inform African-American communities is one of the most interesting things about the US. But maybe that wasn’t the point of the game???? I’ll probably never know.

        • mizerock

          GTAIV has very high ratings (for whatever those are worth), from both critics and customers, so I am under the impression that it’s “my fault” that I didn’t have fun with the game.

        • SamPlays

          @facebook-100005275620831:disqus You’re probably right. I didn’t more than an hour into the game it just overwhelmed me with minutia. Then again, it shouldn’t be possible to play an open-world “sandbox” game “wrong” but there you have it:)

        • djsubversive

          @SamPlays:disqus like other people said, after the first hour or so, exercise and food and stuff are afterthoughts at best. Get on with the thuggin’. 

          @mizerock:disqus ”GTAIV has very high ratings (for whatever those are worth), from both critics and customers…” 

          ratings aren’t worth much. IV was basically the GTA III of this generation. It has some neat features, but it seemed too slow and repetitive, with way too many scripted car chases.

          Have either of you played the Saints Row games? 2 is the best San Andreas sequel that Rockstar never made, and The Third is over-the-top in its over-the-top-ness. Fun times.

      • Citric

        The 300th time I was called by a man wanting to go on a date while in the middle of a dull as balls mission where I follow a guy for an hour and then get immediately killed in a badly planned shootout I decided that GTAIV was not for me.

        • DrFlimFlam

          I can’t believe a game that controls like this (playing on PC but with a 360 controller) is so highly-rated. I know open world games have a tall task to fulfill, but jeez, every car handles like a boat, and walking is so awful. I’ve been more tempted to play GTA3 again than more of this. But I’ll go a bit longer.

          Do I ever get a cool place to live? And like a garage with a bunch of cars? you know, the reason it would be fun to crime?

        • Spacemonkey Mafia

          @drflimflam:disqus 
             It’s even worse than that.  The cars handle like boats, the boats handle like helicopters and the helicopters handle like elotes y frutas carts.

        • Citric

          @drflimflam:disqus  No lie, I think GTAIV is genuinely one of the worst games I’ve ever played.

          I’ve played Rex Ronan: Experimental Surgeon, so that statement is damning.

        • http://disqus.com/Dikachu Dikachu

          @drflimflam:disqus I don’t mind the car controls so much, because cars are supposed to feel heavy and lumbering (after all, they are).  But the walking controls are fucking atrocious for no good reason.  Every other goddamn game on the planet has better walking controls.

        • Baramos x

          You should’ve used trip skip. Money doesn’t matter much in that game especially at the beginning.

        • Professor_Cuntburglar

           I hate the controls in that game. It was like they designed the game mechanics for a game about just walking around like a normal person and put them in a game where you engage in shootouts and police chases half the time.

        • mizerock

          I had a lovely 1st date at the bowling alley, but on our 2nd date I accidentally side-swiped a cop car right after I picked her up, and I had to drive around at high speed to burn off my one wanted star. She was NOT amused by the experience, and barely spoke to me during our 2nd trip to the lanes. She wouldn’t answer my calls after that, so I went to hang out with my cousin, who got me drunk. After I finally sobered up, I realized I was totally broke, so I tried to mug a random stranger with my only weapon: fists. He kicked my ass.

          What a realistic game, I could totally imagine a life for this new immigrant actually going in that direction, and never getting better. Realistic, and yet, WOW, so not “fun”. I haven’t played since. But I suspect that it’s distinctly possibly that I was just playing it wrong (too impatient?), and I would actually be willing to give it another chance. I’ll put it at #31 on my “games to play” queue.

        • NakedSnake

          @mizerock:disqus Go back to Russia!

      • mizerock

        I loved the mini-games / optional missions in the earlier GTAs. But in GTAIV, eventually I stopped answering my cell phone, and then it became an even more boring game, and I stopped playing.

        I’m still cautiously optimistic about GTAV, but I have higher hopes for Saints Row IV.

        • DrFlimFlam

           I really need to try SR3.

        • mizerock

          I liked SR2 at least as much as I liked SR3 (and played it a lot more, though mostly because I had more gaming time scheduled into my life back then). Both are super-cheap by now, and I highly recommend trying either one.

        • His_Space_Holiness

          I recently played and gave up on SR2. I appreciated the goofy tone and fun characters, but soon realized that the entirety of the gameplay was driving and shooting, neither of which I was particularly good at or enjoyed. Oh, well. At least I got it cheap.

      • indy2003

        The key to being a successful, well-connected gangster? Well, that’s a complex question, but mostly you should just remember to play a lot of darts with all of your associates.

    • SamPlays

      “When GTA becomes Groundhog’s Day…”

    • http://disqus.com/Dikachu Dikachu

      I gave up on GTA IV after only a few hours when I first played it… like 18 months later, though, I picked it back up and had a lot more fun with it the second time around.  I ignored most of the social missions (although some of them were kinda fun) and managed to get to the third part of the city, even passing those two unforgivably bad, seemingly endless motorcycle missions.

      Then I got to a mission where I have to drive to some asshole’s house across town, pick him and his crew up, drive them to the other side of town, drop them off, climb up into a building, and then pull off like 10 perfect shots before the gang gets killed by their rivals.  Fail and you have to do it aaaaalllllllll over again.  I think I did it like 5 times before stomping my controller into powder and shelving the game permanently.

      • RyanTheBold

        The DLC introduced mid-mission checkpoints, which Red Dead used and I assume V will also implement. I’d recommend people try GTA IV on PC though, (when it’s on sale for five bucks) and make sure to play it with mouse+keyboard. The shooting becomes much less of a problem and so the hardcoreish difficulty level becomes more appropriate. 

        • http://disqus.com/Dikachu Dikachu

          Not a bad idea… though the older I get, the less I like sitting down at a computer desk for hours at a time to play video games (especially since I spend 9 hours a day in front of a computer at work).

      • Professor_Cuntburglar

         The lack of checkpoints is what killed that game for me. It didn’t help that you fail for the most bullshit reasons (no Nico, don’t hide behind the wall facing the people shooting you, oh great you’re dead).

        I really liked the Ballad of Gay Tony though, mainly because it fixes a lot of those issues.

        • indy2003

          I never managed to complete the final mission of the game for that very reason. After a while, it got exasperating having to pick up my friends, follow a guy, engage in a long shootout, chase a guy, engage in another long shootout and chase a guy again only to fail the mission due to failing to hit a motorcycle ramp at just the right angle.

        • NakedSnake

           Yea, so: is it worth buying the stand-alone DLC? I was thinking about checking out Lost and the Damned and Ballad of Gay Tony since they seemed like more manageable sized adventures.

        • Professor_Cuntburglar

           @baneofpigs:disqus Yep. Especially if you enjoyed the parts of GTA4 that weren’t super annoying. Plus you still get the huge open world to dick around in (and you get it all at the beginning, too!).

    • Baramos x

       On the other hand, it looks pretty awesome.

      • http://twitter.com/zhandlen Zack Handlen

        I think this is a “It’s Not You, It’s Me” franchise for me, honestly.

    • neodocT

       I never bought a GTA game. The deal in our household is that my brother would get the games to goof around, and at some point I would jump in and do all the missions for him. And I did this through the 3 PS2 games and the PSP Vice City.

      But I just couldn’t do it in GTAIV. That game was aggressively dull, and I gave up after two missions. Seriously, if GTAIV was turned into a flash game, it would be heralded as a sly metacommentary on the repetitive dullness of games where your goal is simply driving around and shooting in a nondescript gray city.

      • Professor_Cuntburglar

         Another thing I liked about the Gay Tony DLC: they changed up the color scheme, so there are actually more colors than brown and grey.

        • neodocT

          Those Gay Tonys, everything they do is so dramatic and flamboyant. It just makes me want to set myself on fire!

    • Toparaman

       Yeah, the open-world stuff’s not for me.  I tried to enjoy virtual bowling and dating in GTAIV, and it never clicked.  I’m just going to do the missions in GTA V.

  • Dave Dalrymple

    Which 7up logo game?

    Was it Spot for NES, which was a competitive puzzle game, similar to Othello?

    Or was it Cool Spot for SNES and Genesis, which was a fine 2D platformer?

    • http://gameological.com/author/johnteti/ John Teti

      They were tied

    • http://www.facebook.com/andy.tuttle.79 Andy Tuttle

      Ignore me.

      • http://disqus.com/Dikachu Dikachu

        GOOD NEWS SAMPLE SUBJECTS OF EARTH! THE GLORIOUS MOMENT OF JUDGMENT IS UPON YOU!

        IGNORE ME!!

    • SamPlays

      Cool Spot may be one of the finest platformers of the 16-bit era. I understand that it’s shameless propaganda but it may also be one of the best ad campaigns ever. I only hope someone is working on a Mr. Clean brawler.

      • http://tmaiblog.wordpress.com/ Chalkdust

         Is there a potential Inventory here?  Licensed games that have no right being as good as they are?

        • neodocT

          Uhm… GoldenEye, Arkham Asylum, and SNES Disney games!

          I’ve also got a soft spot for the The Lord of the Rings games for the PS2, but I’m not sure they quality as great, or even good.

        • http://tmaiblog.wordpress.com/ Chalkdust

           @neodocT:disqus Yeah, not necessarily even great, just “better than you’d expect”, like Darkened Skye, which is a strangely well-written comedic fantasy game with a Skittles tie-in.

        • neodocT

           @Chalkdust_TMAI:disqus What? There’s a Gamecube fantasy action-adventure game about a girl searching for her mother with Skittles-based magic powers? What? Did I accidentally fall into another universe?

        • Professor_Cuntburglar

           Simpson’s Hit and Run. It’s the Plan 9 of video games.

        • djsubversive

          @Professor_Cuntburglar:disqus Hit and Run is great. GTA: Springfield? Sign me the fuck up.

        • TaumpyTearrs

           Yo! Noid on Nintendo. I didn’t even know what the Noid was because I think they had retired it from advertising by the time I was playing the game, but it was a fun, challenging platformer with decent graphics.

          I just checked wiki and apparently it was a pre-existing Japanese game that they localized and altered for America to make it a corporate tie-in, so that explains it.

          It seems like that is the best strategy, take an actual good game someone else made then just slap your license on it with some cosmetic changes. That’s why the WWF games on Nintendo 64 were so good, right? They were just Fire Pro Wrestling or whatever it was originally called with WWF wrestlers added in.

      • Destroy Him My Robots

        I wouldn’t go that far, but man. Animation by Mike Dietz.

        Oh, and let’s not forget the game Treasure made for McDonald’s. 1993 was a bizarrely good year for platform games advertising for junk food.

    • neodocT

       Spot was a competitive puzzle game about a moor killing his wife? I’m guessing Coke was Iago in this?

    • ProfFarnsworth

      I loved Cool Spot!  It was a great platformer, and oddly enough we rented it when we also bought a TON of 7-up.  It was a sugar induced blast.

  • http://gameological.com/author/derricksanskrit/ Derrick Sanskrit

    I look forward to playing tennis as two of the lead characters, zooming in and out of each one’s head whenever the ball is in play, then up to the stratosphere and back down again to the third character who is serving as chair umpire on the same court and making judgement calls on where the ball has landed. Then shooting the ball with guns and driving away fast. Like really fast, you guys.

    • CNightwing

      Tennis in a GTA game? You CANNOT be serious!

  • hawk777

    I can only hope it’s as exciting as the bowling mini-game was in GTA4.

    In light of this, I fully expect the makers of Saints Row 4 to respond to this thrilling announcement with the news that in SR4 you can play as Darth Vader, Mega Man, or Blanka from Street Fighter 2.

    • Kyle O’Reilly

       Saints Row 4 announces Chun Li as a character with a gun that shoots bullets made of Irony!

      • http://tmaiblog.wordpress.com/ Chalkdust

         Ironic because she does not usually fight with “guns” (i.e. her arms) but instead with her legs.

    • djsubversive

      SR IV trailer: starts with two people playing tennis, then a bomb explodes, destroying the people, the tennis court, and the nearby buildings. pan up to an alien fighter craft, with Boss behind the controls. She smiles, and shoots down approaching F-16s with lasers. More explosions. All of this is set to, I don’t know, “Whip It” by Devo.

  • http://starttocrate.tumblr.com/ Http Lovecraft

    I didn’t enjoy GTA4 or it’s add-ons, but I feel this new one shows promise as the closest thing to the Heat Simulator of my gaming dreams.

    • TaumpyTearrs

       The bank robbery mission in GTA4 was probably the only time I had fun on a level approaching the previous games in the series, so the fact that they are focusing this entire game around that kind of mission actually has me interested.

      I’ll still probably enjoy Saint’s Row 4 more, though. After playing SR2 and Just Cause 2 I found it impossible to go back to GTA4 and its “realistic” world with all its limitations, like not having a grappling hook or not being able to make my character obese and purple.

  • Spacemonkey Mafia

       It’s not quite the same, but Grand Theft Motor-Cab featured Badminton.
       You could even upgrade your shuttlecock.

  • Drewsef

    I’m 30 years-old, recently married, employed in a demanding full time job, and as of late far more likely to spend my limited free time reading or listening to NPR than playing video games. All the same, it was immediately clear to me that this game will completely dominate my life for weeks and weeks after it’s released. Can’t lie — I’m giddy here.

  • Baramos x

    Teti is like our video games O’Neal? YES

    • nowimnothing

      I like to think Teti and O’Neal switch columns every once in a while just to fuck with us.

  • DrFlimFlam

    Cannot wait for The Saboteur 2. When’s Pandemic going to announce that one? Guys?

    • Kyle O’Reilly

       You just liked it for the boob dlc.

      • DrFlimFlam

        Hey, that came with my brand-new copy I bought for $10 at Toys R Us!

        To this day, it’s the only game I’ve ever gotten all 1000 achievement points out of.

    • djsubversive

      Saboteur was great.

      Pandemic also made the Mercenaries games. The first one was fun, the second was… less so. For me, at least. 

      “Shut up, Fiona, I KNOW this road goes around the lake! YES, I AM AWARE THAT I CAN DO WORK FOR THE FACTIONS.”

  • Kyle O’Reilly

    I’m curious what the features meetings are like at Rockstar HQ.

    “Alright, we’ve got airplanes, atvs, and all that. What next?”
    “Let’s bring back bicycling!”
    “Great idea! Done!”
    “What about Tennis?”
    “I love it!”
    “Let’s make an in-depth hunting game!”
    “Sure, why not?”
    “Scuba-diving!”
    “Done!”
    “An interactive stock market within the game!!!!”
    *crickets*
    “Brilliant!”

    Co-workers lift the stock guy up in his chair like a bar mitzvah and parade him around the room.

    • Spacemonkey Mafia

      “…Maybe this one we can program so you can aim a gun properly…?”

         ”Get the hell out of here.”

      • TaumpyTearrs

         If their usual habit of using other games to test out tech for GTA holds true, the shooting in this one should be from Max Payne 3, which was pretty damn sweet. I just wish I could slow-mo bullet dive, which I doubt (although who knows, maybe they will use the slow-mo targeting from Red Dead Redemption, which I didn’t enjoy as much as MP3).

    • NakedSnake

      *ahem* Hunting would actually be pretty cool. Or just free roaming animals in general. Even deer. It really hurt the immersion that San Andreas didn’t have those moments when you are driving through Northern California and your car gets totaled by a gamboling deer.

  • Swampgas_Man

    O man, some of these missions look HAAAARRRD.  And you know as soon as you F up one part, the game will make you start over from the beginning.  Well, at least it doesn’t look like my characters will be slaves to their cell phones this time.

    • Toparaman

      “And you know as soon as you F up one part, the game will make you start over from the beginning.”

      No, it won’t.  They fixed that in the GTA IV DLC.

    • mizerock

      I loved the idea of having an in-game cell phone, and GPS in the car. This time, maybe my character will have a smart phone, or a Vita. I’ll spend the whole game playing Angry Birds in the insert screen.

      Realism!

      • djsubversive

        It’s a little thing, but I really liked that the cell phone in IV caused interference with your car radio right before it started ringing.

    • Archfriend

       I have a hard enough time micro-managing one character how am I supposed to play as three?

  • Swampgas_Man

    Sapphire bullets!  Bullets of pure love!

  • GaryX

    Sorry, legitimately excited for this game and think it looks like they tightened the gameplay up. Big fan of the UI overhaul too.

    • http://gameological.com/author/johnteti/ John Teti

      Why are you sorry?

      • GaryX

        When am I not sorry, John? 

        • http://gameological.com/author/johnteti/ John Teti

          Ha, touché.

        • GaryX

          Teti thinks I’m awesome, guys!!

      • http://www.facebook.com/unspeakable.axe.3 Unspeakable Axe

         Probaby because this article and every comment underneath it seem to be racing each other to the top of Snark Mountain.  It’s hard to tell if anyone here actually likes GTA games whatsoever.

        Personally I really like the looks of this.  I enjoyed GTA4 but this looks like current-gen San Andreas (still the best sandbox game ever made), plus some cool new distractions (hopefully of the more-optional and less-nagging variety), and with gameplay improvements that made Red Dead and Max Payne 3 so enjoyable.

        • http://gameological.com/author/johnteti/ John Teti

          Yeah, it’s awful when people make jokes and have fun.

        • neodocT

          I love playing the GTA games, and really respect them too. Rockstar is surprisingly progressive in their games, and for all their dumb jokes, their games are not dumb at all. And I’m actually looking forward to see how GTAV turns out, too.

          But I’d rather play Rockstar Games Presents Table Tennis than try to replay GTAIV (and, yes, I totally do own Rockstar Games Presents Table Tennis for my Wii, shut up, okay?).

        • Cloks

          The Gameological Society

          It’s awful when people make jokes and have fun

        • http://www.facebook.com/unspeakable.axe.3 Unspeakable Axe

          Deflecting a sincere point with more snark doesn’t really help your case, John.

          For the record, I really enjoy this site when you speak in depth and in earnest about things you like or dislike. I’m not in a hurry to see it turn into AV Club: Games Division (though I realize it kind of is that, in reality). Or Internet Snark Outpost #8,034,122. That stuff is fine, but it doesn’t fire my neurons.

        • DrKumAndGo

          Seriously, people. Let’s all take a minute and make sure that our internet comments treat this prerelease trailer, for a video game about killing hookers and bowling, with the seriousness it deserves.

        • http://gameological.com/author/johnteti/ John Teti

          Look, Unspeakable, it’s gratifying to hear that you enjoy the site. I think maybe you quite understandably misinterpreted the dynamic of a comment exchange, and it got out of hand. Here’s the thing: You don’t get to toss out a zinger in which you characterize me and a bunch of commenters as “racing each other to the top of Snark Mountain” and then cry foul when I make fun of you in return. If you dislike “Snark Mountain” so much, take off the hiking boots.

        • http://i821.photobucket.com/albums/zz132/toemali/stuff/bosun.jpg Colliewest

          Zack Handlen - doesn’t dislike GTA per se but is not ready for a relationship.

          mizerock - liked GTA 3 but not 4.

          SamPlays - liked GTA 4.

          Citric - doesn’t like GTA 4. A number of others are troubled by it’s bad controls and lengthy missions without checkpoints but they do not specifically express dislike.

          Colliewest - liked GTA 1&2, hasn’t played 3 and didn’t like 4 and is now worried that people might think this is hipster posturing. It just happened that way, honest!

        • Spacemonkey Mafia

          @JohnTeti:disqus 
             To quote the sadly departed David Rakoff:

          “Just think, the shoes I wouldn’t be caught dead in might actually turn out to be the shoes I am caught dead in.”

        • http://www.facebook.com/unspeakable.axe.3 Unspeakable Axe

          John – a zinger it may have been, but the intent was exactly what it sounded like.  I feel you guys (meaning Gameological plus the commentariat in concert) sometimes take snark to a level that (probably unintentionally) pre-empts serious discussion.  While I cracked wise a bit, my point is still an earnest one.

          If I felt the same was true of the article and comments here, I probably wouldn’t say a word about it.  Snark and sarcasm deployed on worthy subjects is as reasonable a means of deflating as any.  What troubles me is when things just collapse *by default* into a mass of gelatinous tongue-in-cheekery, and you can’t even discern anyone’s actual opinion from the vaguely-negative impression that all snark gives off.  I’d much rather talk about whether this game will be good or not, and this trailer is the first in-depth look at the game from which we might really begin to judge such a thing; instead I’m just skimming over admittedly well-crafted jokes about tennis, and some less-funny stuff about the annoying GTA4 cellphone/bowling shenanigans.  I came hoping for a little excitement, or failing that a little rancor – just anything that would get me thinking about a game I’m probably going to spend $60 on very soon.

          To close, I’ll invoke a Simpsons clip I think most of us know well: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C2QrWzsfghA  That’s been a troubling characteristic of my generation(-ish) since I was in high school.  It persists today all over the internet.  It’s my least favorite thing ABOUT the internet, except for casual racism and some particularly ugly porn.  I’m not saying you should never make jokes again or anything like that; instead, I’m just explaining why, when I see a bunch of people making a bunch of jokes instead of expressing any actual opinions whatsoever, my knee-jerk reaction tends to be a negative one.

          And again, for the record, I generally like this site, and think your video podcasts reviewing new games are superlative.  You actually engage with the games and have a unique perspective, which you argue coherently.  Your suit jackets are not to my taste, but hey – can’t win ‘em all.

        • NakedSnake

          @Colliewest:disqus GTA3 blew my mind when it came out, but even then I was aware they had missed something from GTA 1 & 2. In those games, when you got the cops after you, it meant something. I remember sweating as I tried to to maneuver the car through a city park to get to the respray shop whose location I had memorized before the cops busted me or pulverized my car. In GTA3, it was more of a question of: let me park underneath a bridge until The Heat is gone. I think that’s one thing that modern sandbox games really miss: a sense of panic or urgency, even for a short while, while you are doing all the sandbox-y stuff. It makes you value those moments of freedom that much more.

        • http://gameological.com/author/johnteti/ John Teti

          Unspeakable, again, thank you for the kind comments. I think you and I are just not going to see eye-to-eye re: the level of seriousness required in a conversation about a trailer for a video game.

        • jayydee92

          This is definitely the snarkiest game-related website I’ve seen. I can only handle it in small doses before running back to a more optimistic site.

        • SamPlays

          @Colliewest:disqus For the record, I also liked GTA3 and Vice City. I tried the top-down games retroactively after being enamored with GTA3 and hated them. For me, when it comes to this series, the best one is always the most current one. As for Rockstar, I think their crowning achievement is Red Dead Redemption.

          @JohnTeti:disqus and @facebook-100005275620831:disqus The best thing about Snark Mountain is coasting downhill on your bicycle, which was naturally stolen from a random pedestrian.

      • GaryX

        Whoa. I didn’t intend for that to all fan out like that below. I was just sort of lazily snarking on the snark. I’M SORRY. STOP FIGHTING MOM AND DAD! I DON’T HAVE TO GET THE GAME AFTER ALL! JUST STOP FIGHTING!

  • Swampgas_Man

    What does it say about my maturity that I’m looking forward more to Lego Marvel Superheroes than to this?

    • Dave Dalrymple

       Caring more about how a game plays than how a game looks? I’d say that’s a pretty mature attitude.

    • DrFlimFlam

      Both games look like fun.

  • felonious

    I can’t wait to open up a Roth IRA and diversify my bonds, nigga!

  • Alex Coulombe

    Someone get John Teti a job at The Onion.

    • http://twitter.com/closedmouth Annabelle

      Where do you think you are?

      • Dave Dalrymple

         Oh God, am I at my own funeral again? I hate when that happens.

  • Trevor La Pay

    I’m trying to play through GTA IV now, and it feels like “CAR CRASH SIMULATOR.” I can’t go two blocks without demolishing my car. The cars in this demo look really fast and fun to drive, which makes me happy.

    • DrFlimFlam

      It’s a very, very gray game. Maybe it gets more colorful later? I don’t know, I’m still working on it.

      • Trevor La Pay

         The grey/brown filter was an artistic choice. I don’t know if it was the right one. Interestingly, TLAD was oppressively blue, and the much more lively TBOGT had no filter at all.

  • subclarke

    @Loise, you create $27h…good for you! I compose to $85h engaging from home. My story is that I quit engaging at shoprite to figure on-line and with to a small degree effort I simply herald around $45h to $85h…heres an honest example of what i am doing, http://www.Pro67.com
     

  • hac51

    Can we play Eschaton?  

  • edincoat

    I find myself finishing GTA games and then trying to figure out if it was fun.

  • Krokamo

    I miss Tommy Vercetti. Also, fun storylines.

  • stanthelovebot

    I still haven’t gotten around to playing GTA IV. Not sure if I should get it before this one though. I tend to burn out on open world games really easily. 

  • mccarrot93

    Been reading this site for a while and thought I’d finally start commenting. You may already be aware of this but it seems that an Australian news site has taken this article extremely seriously:

    http://www.news.com.au/technology/gaming/new-grand-theft-auto-v-features-tennis-and-yoga-8216mini-games8217/story-e6frfrt9-1226677009108

    “Apparently fans have been asking for a tennis feature since 2005 when Women’s Wear Daily fuelled rumours that GTA IV featured dream sequence featuring character Nico Nelic winning Wimbledon. But the scene was eventually cut from the game, according to website the Gameological Society.” 

    And yes, Nelic was their typo, not mine. 

    • Professor_Cuntburglar

       Wow, that is some lazy reporting.

      • Dave Dalrymple

         It’s not as bad as IGN linking to an article by p4rgaming (which is ALL satire).

        To be fair to IGN, they noticed their error after 20 minutes. And the article in question isn’t obviously satire.

        • djsubversive

          Didn’t the Escapist do something like that, with the article about how most “modern gamers” can’t beat the first level of Super Mario Bros.? 

          That article was pretty obviously satire, and the sidebars on the page were links to even-more-not-serious-at-all articles, so you’d think somebody would have noticed.

    • Archfriend

      As an Australian I’m proud to declare that taking satire seriously is one of the greatest aspects of our culture.

      Hell yeah! Tennis!

  • Son_of_Law

     John – you wouldn’t believe it! An Australian ‘journalist’ has quoted this brilliant article in what I can only assume is supposed to be a far less tongue in cheek news story. 

    She even ended with the question “What do you think? Will you be buying Grand Theft Auto V for its tennis?” 

    http://www.news.com.au/technology/gaming/new-grand-theft-auto-v-features-tennis-and-yoga-8216mini-games8217/story-e6frfrt9-1226677009108#ixzz2Yc6XkuxZ

    Great site, by the way.  I visit every day for a good laugh, informed game reviews and occasionally put a little time into experiencing the Sawbuck Gamer games.  Keep up the wonderful work. :)

    • mccarrot93

      Beat you to it ;)

      It really is quite spectacular though, isn’t it? My favourite part is that despite doing absolutely no other research they called Rockstar to confirm tennis was in the game. I can only imagine their bemused reply of, “Um … Yeah. Why?”

      • Son_of_Law

         Dammit – beat me by *that* much.. :)

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=650382553 Tom Fallon

    GTA V: The Lost Vikings

  • Dunnstock

    I’m REALLY excited for this game.  Yes GTA IV had some issues, but the two expansions ironed a lot of them out and the controls look much tighter in the new one.  I’m intrigued by a few things, like how when the weapon wheel comes up it appears to not pause the game but just slow it down a lot, so you have to switch quickly but still have a second or two to think.

    Also, I’m wondering how dynamic the damage to the environment is.  In one of the first trailers there was a building on fire with parts of the roof collapsing that didn’t quite look per-rendered, and when the truck knocks over the armored car the cinderblock wall comes apart in pretty spectacular fashion, maybe there will be a lot more opportunity for real-time destruction?  That would be awesome.

    Also, at 2:42, when the plane flies over the railroad bridge, can you eject and let the train smash into the train and have all the train cars fall into the canyon?  Because that would be sweet.

    God I hope this game ends up being as fun as it looks.

    • DrFlimFlam

      The environmental damage definitely piqued my interest. The concept of a world that i could damage that would need time to repair itself sounds both amazing and awful.

    • TaumpyTearrs

       One of my favorite moments dicking around in Saints Row 2 was pull up alongside a moving train, throwing remote explosives out of my car window onto it and then blowing it off the track and driving my car off the bridge after it.

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