Out This Week

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out Of The Shadows

Girdle Power

In this week’s new releases, Madden turns 25 and the Ninja Turtles cope with the ravages of age.

By Drew Toal • August 27, 2013

Out This Week is a look at a few new games that are out this week.

Lost Planet 3
PC, PlayStation 3, Xbox 360—August 27

If Alien taught us anything, it’s that mining operations on inhospitable, far-flung worlds, like the one foolishly embarked upon in Lost Planet 3, never go right. Aliens showed us that big mechanical suits, like the ones you pilot in Lost Planet 3, are pretty useful in a pinch. Alien Resurrection, meanwhile, conveyed the most important lesson of all—that Winona Ryder’s career was well and truly dead.

Madden NFL 25
PlayStation 3, Xbox 360—August 27

Calvin “Megatron” Johnson, the Detroit Lions wide receiver who graced the cover of last year’s Madden, was only four years old when the series’ first game came out. (He was a Minitron, if you will.) Who can say how much more football will change in another 25 years. Robot quarterbacks? Laser-guided balls? Shoulder pad rockets? John Madden himself will be over 100 years old, sustained by a powerful cocktail of EA-licensed cybernetic implants, Frank Caliendo’s harvested organs, and a strict diet of genetically-engineered, life-prolonging turduckens. However much the game changes and humanity perverts the natural world, though, we can at least rest easy in knowing that the Jets will still be terrible.

Killer Is Dead
PlayStation 3, Xbox 360—August 27

So the killer is dead, eh? That’s great news. You know who isn’t dead? Out This Week pinch hitter Sam Barsanti. He has absolutely not been kidnapped and dumped into some hole in the desert where moisture from his quickly decomposing corpse will feed surrounding cacti. Nope. Definitely still alive. And happy. Yep, alive and happy, that’s our Sam.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out Of The Shadows
Xbox 360—August 28

The Ninja Turtles can’t still be teens, can they? If their first appearance was in 1984, and if they were all 13 or so at the time, that would then put them all north of 40. Middle Age Mutant Ninja Turtles just doesn’t have the same ring to it, though. Maybe Out Of The Shadows is an attempt by the beloved “heroes in a half-shell” to show that being an aging teen icon is nothing to be ashamed of. Michelangelo, after all, went on to become a finalist on Top Chef and now sells his own brand of pizza-flavored spaghetti sauce. Donatello ended up marrying April, and now they live with their three wonderful, horribly mutated human-turtle half-breeds in a Brooklyn brownstone. Raph couldn’t cope with no longer being a cultural touchstone and ended up doing six months in Joliet for assault. Now he cohosts a radio show in Seattle with Danny Bonaduce. Leonardo, for his part, swore off violence, sold his blades, and runs a high-end travel service between Earth and Dimension-X with his longtime domestic and business partner, Bebop.

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92 Responses to “Girdle Power”

  1. DrFlimFlam says:

    Hahahaha, Joliet. I like jokes about Joliet. I also like the Out This Week overall… uh, this week. It’s random and appropriate for the quality and relevance of what’s… released. This week.

    Is Donatello supposed to be short? I know he does machines, but come on, that doesn’t make him a half-pint box turtle.

    I’m flabbergasted that TMNT is still a thing, since it seemed to me a product of its time more than stalwarts like GI Joe or Transformers, which have no real era except the ever-present now.

    • SamPlays says:

      This is the only way to make TMNT relevant again…

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KMkCPCWbmZk

    • Aurora Boreanaz says:

      Hooray, time for another “Boreanaz Brush with Celebrities!”

      During my father’s previous marriage, my older step-sisters claimed to have hung out with Eastman and/or Laird, the creators of the Ninja Turtles, as part of their extended social circle.  The cartoon premiered that same year, so my step-brothers and I were pretty excited for it.

      Yeah, that’s pretty much it.  I’ve liked the characters off and on since then, and I swear I accidentally created (via fan art) the female “Venus DeMilo” turtle from the live-action TV series about ten years prior (as well as a couple other male turtles named after artists such as Salvador Dali).

      This has been another “Boreanaz sure has shitty stories about (not) meeting celebrities, doesn’t he?”

      • Spacemonkey Mafia says:

        You’re the Charles Murphy of the Gameological set.

      • Effigy_Power says:

        James Lipton would like you to do him the honor of appearing on his show, @AuroraBoreanaz:disqus.

        • Aurora Boreanaz says:

          Oh boy!  I could tell him about the one time I exchanged emails with Bruce Campbell, or when I met Penn and Teller after their show and couldn’t manage to say anything!  Or when I chatted up a gal on IRC who claimed to be Megan Follows from Anne of Green Gables!  I’m FULL of lousy, useless anecdotes!

      • Effigy_Power says:

        I love hearing those stories, because it makes me feel better about sitting on an airplane next to Bill Odenkirk and not recognizing him until 20 minutes prior to landing, at which point I had sat next to him reading a magazine and listening to music for 3 hours.
        I had the requisite knowledge of Futurama, Simpsons and Mr Show sitting 2 feet away from me and fluked out.
        We all suck equally and we deserve recognition for that.

      • Pgoodso says:

        You want a lame celebrity story?

        I went to DragonCon one year with my friend who is not a geek at all, except maybe for his unabashed love of Jerry Lewis and Charlie Chaplin.

        We went and met Anthony Daniels, Karen Allen, Mary McDonnell, Julie Benz, and Felicia Day in the big “meet stars here!” section.

        I mentioned I loved Star Wars, Indiana Jones, Sneakers and BSG, Dexter, and I mentioned I had a character in WoW, each to the appropriate individual. That’s it.

        I wasn’t shy. Just turns out I don’t have much to say to famous people, and I’m also not in the market for any autographs or memoribilia, which was unfortunate to find out in the line to see a bunch of famous people.

        My FRIEND however…
        Found out my friend actually grew up next to the director Bob Clark and became good friends with him before his death. He bonded with Karen Allen and Mary McDonnell over memories of him. As well, he was about to go to NYU for film school, and since Julie Benz was a grad, he talked to her at length about the program. Then, he talked to Felicia Day about short form comedy because of his background in improv. He also had some background from undergrad in mime, and discussed the differences in how mime is perceived in the US versus Europe with Anthony Daniels, and how Daniels’ training helped him with playing C3P0. I also believe we talked about gravy for some reason.

        Long story short: my friend is more interesting than me, hehe.

    • Carlton_Hungus says:

      Not short, just further back.  This is both helpful and informative.  http://www.theonion.com/articles/study-people-far-away-from-you-not-actually-smalle,33594/

    • signsofrain says:

      I just have to say that the new computer animated turtles show is probably the best TV series thus far. The 90’s Saturday morning cartoon is a gas, but it doesn’t hold up watching it as an adult. The 2003 series is darker and grittier, but still suffers a little from kids-cartoon-itis (man did I ever not enjoy the space rhinoceri) but the 2012 series is great. It’s beautiful to watch (ahhh… HD CG) it doesn’t talk down to the viewer. The fight choreography is amazing, and the story so far is very strong, albeit nothing a hardcore Turtles fan hasn’t seen before. Also it’s full of visual gags and easter eggs, lots of fun to freeze frame. This game looks a bit like it’s based on this new series, so I’m excited.

      Also quite honestly the idea of middle-aged mutant ninja turtles is very appealing to me, if only ’cause I started watching the Turtles when I was around 8 years old and I’m 31 now.

  2. Fluka says:

    Also, someone made this fantastically accurate cat simulator.  You knock expensive shit off shelves.  Story of my life, people.

    • DrFlimFlam says:

      In my household, I’m the one that knocks over expensive, sentimental things. I try to explain that I shouldn’t be around nice things that can’t be explained. The cat gazes reproachfully at me, as if to say, “You are too clumsy and stupid to live. But I will allow you to pet me. And remove my feces from your home.”

    • Merve says:

      That cat simulator seems to have massive hit-detection issues. It’s pretty arbitrary about saying what the cat hit or didn’t hit.

      • SamPlays says:

        What it’s saying is that cats have complete disregard for what they ruin. In other words, cats are pretty arbitrary about what they hit or don’t hit.

    • MintBerry_Crunch says:

      There’s a collection of poetry and prose in something called, literallyThe Cat-Hater’s Handbook

      Because cats are black holes of affection and love.

      • boardgameguy says:

        woah there Hitler Cat

      • Girard says:

        People who hate cats are black holes of affection and love.

        People who hate dogs, however, they just have a low tolerance for bullshit.

        • HobbesMkii says:

          I dunno, dogs are so joyful and kind of unyielding in their loyalty and forgiveness, hating them just seems sort of petty to me.

        • Girard says:

          @HobbesMkii:disqus They are obnoxious, dangerous, and smelly. And have a poor sense of propriety and personal space.
          Basically, they’re that annoying drunk guy on the subway.

        • MintBerry_Crunch says:

          Woe is me! I can no longer bare the reciprocated affection and attentiveness of this four legged feline! 

          –Person who does not exist.

          Also, I never liked those cats in Lady and the Tramp, so there.

        • Aurora Boreanaz says:

          I love/hate my dogs.  Love them when they’re affectionate to me and my daughter, and cute and playful with each other.  Hate them when, after six months of sleeping on old sheets in their crate I feel bad and buy another doggie bed that takes them exactly 24 hours to tear in half.

    • JohnnyLongtorso says:

      Not accurate, there’s no four-hour nap level.

      • Fluka says:

        Well, that and the option to arbitrarily kick litter out of the box onto the floor.

        • Citric says:

          Also, at no point do you attack someone’s feet and then immediately run away like a crazy animal.

        • WarrenPeace says:

          Do you get to sit in the window and stare at birds, feeling useless about being barred from your natural hunting urges by a thin layer of mesh?

        • Effigy_Power says:

          Do you at least have the choice to just not bother burying your poop anymore, thus getting a great reaction from your landlords when they come back from work thanks to the aroma in the house?

  3. Enkidum says:

    “…dumped into some hole in the desert where moisture from his quickly decomposing corpse will feed surrounding cacti.”

    Well, that got dark really quickly.

    • Merve says:

      If Sam doesn’t comment on this article, I’m going to be very scared.

      • SamPlays says:

        The only thing that should scare you is how big your garden tomatoes will grow next year after mixing Sam’s compost with your soil.

        • Enkidum says:

          Hmmmm… does this work for anyone named Sam? Because I can’t help seeing your handle, there, @SamPlays:disqus . And my tomatoes are… hungry.

          Why no, of course I’m not holding a knife behind my back. Or at least it’s so small it’s barely worth calling a knife. You won’t feel a thing, it’ll all be over in seconds.

        • Merve says:

          @Enkidum:disqus: Gameological turned into a haven for serial killers so gradually, I barely even noticed!

          Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some eyeballs roasting on the barbecue. *licks lips*

        • ProfFarnsworth says:

          Don’t Forget to eat their hearts, their delicious hearts!

    • The_Helmaroc_King says:

      Well, the cacti need to get their moisture from somewhere.

      I’m glad to see the robotic double of Barsanti is up and running. I mean, c’mon, Toal, putting up an article about deceptive robots on the same day? Why not just make a press release?

    • Sam_Barsanti says:

      Do not worry, everyone. Sam is…I am fine. Now let us all buy American-made goods and remember to vote Republican!

      • The_Helmaroc_King says:

        You have to tell us if you’re a cop robot, right? Isn’t that one of the laws?

        • Sam_Barsanti says:

          I do not believe so, but I do know that your elected officials have your best interests at heart!

        • Aurora Boreanaz says:

          *chuckles at the idea of a Fourth Law of Robotics*

          “No Robot may pose as a human, or, by inaction, allow a human to believe they are themselves human.”

        • PhilWal0 says:

          @AuroraBoreanaz:disqus Close! If you go by the spin-off books, it’s either “A robot must establish its identity as a robot in all cases.” or “A robot must reproduce, as long as such reproduction does not interfere with the First or Second or Third Law.”

        • Aurora Boreanaz says:

          @PhilWal0:disqus  – Sorry, the Third Law of the Laws of Robotics states: “No Law of Robotics shall be accepted as canon unless it comes from Asimov-written material.”

      • Enkidum says:

        How does one establish if someone is really them or a robot impostor? I mean, other than cutting them open and looking inside. Because surely there’s a way we can find out without going to those lengths.

        • SamPlays says:

          Well, I got these pair of sunglasses. You see, I take these glasses off, he looks like a regular person, doesn’t he? Put’em back on… formaldehyde-face!

        • Spacemonkey Mafia says:

             I have personally found two sure-fire techniques.

          Join them for a vacation in a futuristic Wild-west theme park.   If they try to kill you they’re a robot.
             Or pour a glass of water on the head of everyone you meet.  If sparks and smoke fly out of their necks, they’re robots.
             Sadly, my tendency to do the latter has caused a lot of instances of the former not by robots. 

        • signsofrain says:

          Obviously you show them something emotional that makes them cry. Their tears short them out and their faces melt off. That’s how you know.

        • PhilWal0 says:

          “Which of the following would you most prefer? A: a puppy, B: a pretty flower from your sweetie, or C: a large properly formatted data file?”

        • WarrenPeace says:

          “The following statement is true.”
          “The preceding statement is false.”
          Wait for their head to explode.

        • MathleticDepartment says:

          I have a way which requires one whole red onion, a set of heavy duty jumper cables, and a willingness not to ask any questions. Meet me behind the old Blockbuster at midnight if you’d like to know more.

        • ProfFarnsworth says:

          If you really wanted to find out…you could take a long time trying a Touring test.  Unfortunately, that is not ‘fool’ proof. I.E. Your friends might not want to hang out with you if you spend HOURS asking dumb questions trying to find out if they are a robot or not.  You could also try asking probing questions about their past.  Also, try magnets.  Somewhere, somehow a powerful enough magnet will destroy a robot, but not a person…unless it is WAY, WAY, too powerful, then it will kill everything.

      • Spacemonkey Mafia says:

        I’m impressed how the simple application of a baseball cap is sufficient to repurpose the Mitt Romney as the Sam Barsanti.
           I love modular technology.

  4. psib says:

    The Jets will ALWAYS be terrible.

    • Mike P says:

      I get so upset seeing them all over sports tv. I can’t even watch anymore. I’ve never seen so much resources wasted on a team that might win 6 games. 

  5. ItsTheShadsy says:

    Are you guys trying to work a Transformers reference into every post today?

  6. mad says:

    Those are some ugly-ass, creepy-looking turtles.

    And are they wearing do-rags?

  7. Boonehams says:

    Sick as this may sound, I will never get tired of seeing footage of that guy stabbing himself.

    • Effigy_Power says:

      I’ve watched it three times already. It’s like watching a Looney Tunes character.
      I wonder if he cleans a gun by looking down the barrel…

  8. Mike P says:

    Drew, I give you the slowest of slow claps, for the write up on Madden.
    That was great

    • ferrarimanf355 says:

      As a Dolphins fan, the last sentence made me smile.

      • Mike P says:

        I hate the Jets, mainly because of the media love they get. It would be different if they were good.

        And I don’t care what is said about those new Phins Unis, I love them.

        • DrFlimFlam says:

          I like how they’re kind of faux-modern, current yet also feeling like they’re pulled from some kind of Miami late-90s, where it’s always sunny and no one has flown planes into American buildings and we think global warming is a thing but it’s not DIRE.

    • SamPlays says:

      *clap*

      *clap*

      *clap*

  9. Destroy Him My Robots says:

    Yeah right, like I’m gonna play a sports game with a trailer that’s not AT LEAST narrated by an Officer of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire.

  10. greenspanDan says:

    “John Madden himself will be over 100 years old, sustained by a powerful cocktail of EA-licensed cybernetic implants, Frank Caliendo’s harvested organs, and a strict diet of genetically-engineered, life-prolonging turduckens.”

    best sentence ever.

  11. Raging Bear says:

    Killer is Dead? But I hardly know ‘er is Dead!!!

    …I refuse to ever get tired of that gag.

  12. HobbesMkii says:

    What is going on in “Killer is Dead”? And how does anyone not know what a solar eclipse is? It’s the most famous type of eclipse! Or is that something that didn’t translate well from Japanese?

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